It's official, I have anger problems!

Okay, something happened this morning and it has left me boiling with fury, like a frothing kettle. There is this woman whose head I would LOVE to cave in! Seriously!
Let me start at the beginning...........
I went into my local shop with my three year old son after collecting him from preschool. I was getting stamps and something tasty for him. I went to the counter to ask for some stamps and told him to go and pick something. He brought a little chocolate bar up and placed it on the counter. The cashier told him to put it back, thinking he wasn't allowed anything and he did. I didn't say anything for a moment as I was stunned by this. When he was over by the sweeties after returning the bar I told him it was okay and to get something. So he brought a different thing up to the till and began to cry. I hugged him and began to feel angry at the woman. I went back to the sweetie display to get the thing he had chosen first and he followed me to say that he wanted his second choice, still crying. So I bought the box of candy stick he picked second and my stamps and left. All the way home I was boiling with fury. I wanted to go back in that shop and shout at her, call her insulting names and kick up a fuss. Maybe even punch her. I had the urge to vandalise parked cars that my sons and I walked past on the way home, just to vent my fury. But I held it in. I definately have anger issues! Some of you might say I don't cause I have the strength to hold it in and not act on my anger. But what happens when the day comes and something happens where I can no longer contain it and lash out? Where will I be then?
Don't answer that. I can imagine where I'd be. It concerns me that something so trivial can get me so worked up. I guess everyone has theri triggers. In fact, I am still a little bit pissed off right now. But I will cool down soon enought I guess. Just so long as I don't go back in that shop later, when I collect my older son from school.......

I'm still here!

I have no idea if anyone has even been reading my posts. I have been pretty busy the last couple of months and don't have much to report really. I passed the interview stage of my specials application. I have a medical in a couple of weeks and should hear about the training course, due to begin sometime in february.

I have spent my spare time plugging away at my story. And I'm not sure that I have written anything of much worth. I want my stories to be really good. And I want people to read them and think 'wow, yeah that's excellant!' But until I can read them without noticing the faults and inconsistencies I am too nervous to show them to anybody else. Should anyone even care enough to read them and give me their opinions! I am scared of failure. My stories are very personal to me and mean a lot. (As you can probably tell!) I'd love to get something published one day, but am such a perfectionist when it comes to my writing! And I probably need to be, especially if I am attempting to become some kind of proffesional writer. Writing good stories is actually very challenging and difficult. I guess that's part of the appeal for me. And besides, if it were that easy everybody would be doing it!

I didn't mean to spend so long rambling on about my writing. And I realise that I sound very appologetic in my discussion back there.

I'll see you again soon. (I hope!)

What is the world coming to?

I haven't posted on here for weeks. I've been pretty busy with things.

I have had an interview for becoming a special. And I dutifully fecked it up. I was way more nervous than anticipated and my brain refused to be quick off the mark when responding to the questions. The good news is that I made a good enough impression with my confidence and stuff that the chief inspectors will see me again. I get a second shot at the interview, yay! I just hope I do better this time. I know I can do it. If I fuck it up for myself I will kick my own ass. My interview is in a couple of weeks.

There is a lot of crap going on in the country at the moment. Makes me think I must be crazy to want to get into the police, in light of such an agressive society. I don't really want to comment on the state of things. Prison officers going on strike over their pay, gun crime worse than it ever was in New York City, dad's taken out for defending their families and homes, etc, etc.
I think we are heading for a new civil war or something! Can you tell me we're not?
Nobody trusts the govenment (if we ever did), nobody gets fair pay except the MP's themselves. We are killing ourselves here and there is not a damn thing anybody is doing about it!

I think the world its self is on some sort of self destruct cycle now. We've kicked the planets butt so much it is waving the white flag in surrender. Hence the fucked up weather and confussed wildlife (sharks in british waters, etc). Global warming is taking control of things. The sea levels will dutifully rise away and the polar ice caps are beginning to melt into oblivian already. Before you know it we will have killed ourselves or have vanished under a scortching water planet.

Did I say I didn't want to talk about the state of the world today? I guess I do.

x

World Trade Center Rebuild

If any of you are interested enough or care enough to contribute your opinions to this, please check out this link.

http://www.petitiononline.com/wtc911/petition.html

The above is a petition to rebuild twin towers, similar to how they were before. And not to build the Freedom tower as new york is planning to. Do a google search for WTC rebuild or similar words to that and you will be able to read up sites telling you what is going on with that. I care about this and have voted on this petition. I think that New York needs another pair of beautiful skyscraping towers. And not what they are planning. The plans are beautiful, but not good enough quite frankly. Anyway, that's all. Thanks for looking folks.

Luke

• No, I have not heard yet. Well, I have had a confirmation letter that I passed my initial recruitment test. The letter also said that I will be contacted by my local area with regards to the interview. Assuming I pass that I then need to phone up and arrange a medical. So, just waiting on a response from area. I am going away on holiday in just over a week, for two weeks. I hope I get a response before I go.
• Are you alright?

P.I.R.T.

My test went really well. I was in a group of ten people taking it, eight men and one other woman. We all did really good on the test. The first answer sheet was marked while we were completing the final section of the test. From that we must all have passed. So, that is excellent. The next stage is an interview. More nail biting going on there then. I can just imagine myself as a worst case scenario interviewee. Pretty non verbal, can't think of any good responses and come across as just all wrong and uninterested! I'm sure that won't happen for me, but I can see the possibility.

None

My police initial recruitment test

Apologies for yesterday's post. Clearly I have issues! Don't worry, I'm working them out. I think.....
On better news, today I received an appointment letter for my P.I.R. test. I realised after writing the appointment in my diary that I have seen the shorthand for the police initial recruitment test before. Probably on the forums and I hadn't a clue what a P.I.R. test was! Or was it written as a P.I.R.T. ? Anyway the world makes sense again now, with regards to that. There was a practice test enclosed. I did it and I aced it! I'm SO excited! I can hardly wait to begin. Out of the four practice sections I only got two questions wrong out of a total of twenty five. That has to be a good sign.
Not much else to report today. The PIRT thing has made my day though. I am so happy now.

Can't think of a clever blog title today

Don't really know what to talk about today. I am a little worried about wee man who blogs police camera paperwork. He has not been on his blog for a couple of weeks and that is most unlike him. I can understand the various reasons why, but can't wait for him to post again all the same. I have had a letter today in regards to joining the police (as a special). The security checks have been completed and I will be contacted in the next four weeks sometime with regard to the initial police recruitment test. Woo hoo! It's exciting. I can't wait.
It is great that there has been no further terrorist attacks happening. Not yet anyway. And many have been arrested. Which is also excellent. But if they are determined enough it might not be enough to stop them.
I have been thinking about myself and my state of mind a little bit. Don't worry, I have not decided anything too radical. I guess I view slim and attractive women as sex objects (in a way). I am going somewhere with this. And since I'm female, men must by assumption also share this viewpoint. I see myself as not overy attractive (whatever I mean by that!) Pretty, but not thin. I have an overly fat stomach. I am not obese however. I therefore do not come under the catagorey of a sexually attractive woman. (in the way above mentioned) I have been working on getting back to the physical shape I'd like to be again. I am not having the success with this I could be having. Can you see what I'm getting at with this? I think my state of mind prevents me from achieving the goal of being a slim size 12 again. Because if I was I would be seen by all as an attractive young woman. This would be a good thing. It would also leave me more open to being accosted/ groped/ chatted up/ raped by random men I don't know. This is of course a load of bollocks! I know. If you can make any sense of all my ramblings, I hope you get my point. If a man is going to rape someone it doesn't matter if she weighs 12 stone or is a stick insect. If he is drunk/desperate/ evil enough to decide to rape a woman all that matters is that he can get his dick into her. (Bitter? Me? Never!) Maybe I just need counselling. Victim support have been in touch with me, but I have not had any counselling. I am at a kind of cross purposes in my mind. On one side I am messed up in my view of men and on the other side I want one to satisfy my urges with. I'm crazy! I am not very trusting. I think that all men are only after one thing, no matter what they may say. (Perhaps I am just judging them by my own standards!) At the same time, there are plenty of nice, decent men out there who don't have one thing on their agenda all the time. I am so contradictory!
Anyway I must go now. I have to do things other than talk bollocks at you on here. (I am not just making this stuff up for fun, by the way)
And thank you for your nice comment Unlikely Cop, if you're reading this.

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Al Queda are back and other things

I have realised that I may be contradicting myself in some way and creating doubt about my genuineness to those of you who might be reading this. I am not lying about anything on here. This blog is like a virtual diary to me. All the events and emotions and so on that I portray on here are completely true and I am being totally honest with you. Yes, I was really raped. No one has said anything to me, but I feel like a fraud anyway because there are so many women out there who do lie about that kind of thing. I just hope my word on it's own is good enough for you. And I do know the day before I was saying how much I am gagging for some sex. That is also true. The rape did not rob me of my natural desires and emotions. I'm sure I have scars of some kind from what happened, but I still like sex. Just not with my ex. I never wanted to have sex with him again after what he did. I have however had two relationships since we split and they did get sexual.

We are now under attack from terrorists again. It is horrifying. On friday some men tried to bomb nightclubbers in London and on Saturday they tried to blow up Glasgow airport. I just thank god that nobody has been killed yet. In the run up to the fourth of July as well. Considering our relationship with America, is that intentional on the part of the terrorists? Or am I just making a link that isn't there? Are they going to target the United States this week also? They must be well pissed that they have not caused the devastation and horrific deaths that they intended to. I hope that they don't ever achieve their aim. The newspapers are surely right when they say the terrorists will try again. It is inevitable. At least we are prepared for whatever comes next and can head it off before people die. Whatever may be coming next.

All things serious (Please read this one!)

Okay so I have something difficult that I have to do and I am having a hard time doing it. So I will start at the beginning. About between three years ten months or four years ago my ex raped me. I have only just reported it to the police. I no longer live in the town where the rape happened. I am happy to go back there to make my statement with the police, but I have the problem of babysitters for my children for the day. It would mean opening up to my parents about it, mostly telling my dad. How can you do something like that? How do I tell my dad that X raped me? The man in question is the father of my children and well known to my parents. They don't particularly like him anyway. My mum knows about it and has said to me that she hopes it doesn't go any further. But he raped me! How can I not be willing to support a prosecution on that? He could very well do it to someone else! My worry is that my dad will have a similar reaction and they will not support my choices in this. I live with my parents and my children at the moment. I have to share this thing with them, but it is so hard to talk about with them. Because of who they are to me. I have no problem telling the police about it now. My biggest regret is that I did not go to them straight away. I was too weak to deal with doing that at that time. But I really wish I had. Now I have to figure out how to tell my dad. I don't think I can do that though. That is like, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If you have any advice for me that might help please leave a comment for me. Thank you

My writing and other things

I am a writer. I love writing fiction stories. In fact, that is what I'd much rather be doing right this second. Then 'why am I here?' you ask. I don't know. I have written a good fifty pages of A4 double sided. It is somewhat violent story. I think the pace might be too fast. And I have too much happening and not enough dialogue, etc. I have begun to rewrite it in what I hope is a more organised fashion. I really want to get somebody to read it for me and give me their opinion on it and some feedback. But I can't ask anyone. I'm too scared that they will tell me that it is an awful story. I want it to be good. I want to be a fantastic writer. I can't take the criticism of failing with this one. Not yet. But if I don't ask, I'll never know! It gives me great pleasure to write it. It is like some kind of illness, a bug. I think about writing it all the time and I can hardly wait till the end of the day when I can get time to myself to work on it. It is always on my mind.

In other news, I got a letter today acknowledging receipt of my application to become a special. They are currently reviewing it and will be in touch.
It is my sons birthday tomorrow. He's five. I'm happy for him. I hope he has a good day.
Not much else to write about. Except how frustrated I am!
I mean that I have not had sex in almost a year and well, I'm dying here!
Give me an attractive young man who's good in bed for a night and I'll be your friend forever! lol. I am aching for some sex and am very sadly alone on that front. I want a man! And I want one now! (scream, tantrum, wail!) Just me and myself tonight then. Oh yay.

Me as a Special....

I want to become a special constable. I sent off my application form off in the post on the Monday just gone. I am pretty excited. I hope I make it through the application process. I'm not really sure what else is involved. I assume I have to do a fitness test. That is the part that worries me the most. From what I've read about the fitness test on the police oracle forum, I have nothing to worry about with that bit. That is somewhat comforting. I think I should be fit enough anyway (I hope!) I'm just waiting to hear from them now.

I'm Free (Heaven Helps The Man)

Woohoo! I posted a video from youtube on my blog! I'm so happy! I'd forgotten how much I like this song. In case you don't know, this song is originally from the 80's film Footloose. It's sung by Kenny Loggins.

Scum of the earth

I have read in today's newspaper, as I'm sure many have, about a young man convicted of child porn. The scariest thing is, he's my age! I thought paedophiles were old or ageing men. He was running a worldwide porn website porn ring thingy. All the things he is alleged to have done are truly disgusting and sick. I'm so glad that he is now going to be locked up. Even if it is for a pathetically short stretch. I just so suprised at his young age and the filth that he did.

The youth of today

OK, I'm not as horrible as I may have made out before. I do not beat my children. I just get exasperated with them. They can be really sweet little boys and are really good boys much of the time.

Anyway, onto other things. They have gone to visit their other grandparents today. I have been to see the new Pirates Of The Caribbean film. It is SO long! But a great film. The end credits are about ten minutes long! Sitting through them is really worth it. I won't tell you why in case you haven't seen it.
I was walking back home from the city. I live about a mile or so out from the city centre. I walked past a couple of young lads, can't have been much older than about fourteen or thereabouts. They both had an open can of fosters in their hand and were walking down the street. One of them asked me for a rizler, but I don't smoke. His voice sounded a bit slurred. I was thinking 'How old are you? Who supplied you with that alcohol? Do you know it is illegal to drink on the streets in the city centre?' I only replied to his question and said nothing more. I think I'm beginning to think like a copper. Before, I would not have thought like that in the same situation.
I walk past the police station everytime I go into the city, as it's on my route. Today I noticed the lack of squad cars parked out front and instead there was many of those small crime scene investigation vans parked out front. And the usual couple of large marked vans. Where are they all this afternoon? There is normally several marked cars parked out front of the station. The station is the area headquarters.
There is a small area in the city that is designated for graffiti. Some of it gets changed every week of so. This week one of the paintings is really good. Someone has spray painted a beautiful portrait of a womans face with long flowing hair. Who ever these grafiti artists are, a few of them are really talented.

Why?!

My oldest son is a couple of weeks away from his fifth birthday and is driving me crazy today. He has behaved like the devil has taken control of him. It started this morning. My parents and my younger sister all got up and dressed and everything like normal. My youngest son was dressed by me. But would Matt get dressed for school? No! He is perfectly able to do it himself and is good at dressing himself, but often refuses to. He spent at least an hour in just his pants. I was getting myself ready and preparing his drink and snack to take to school and getting my own breakfast. It came to the time we leave for school and he was still in his pants! I attempted to talk him into dressing himself and it didn't work. I told him that he could just go like that and went to take his hand to take him downstairs to put his shoes on. He began getting worked up. I guess he's as stubborn as me. I went to dress him and he began crying and screaming and kicking his legs. I tried to put his trousers on him and he kicked his legs so that I couldn't get both legs in. I instead went to put his top on and he put his hands on his head. It ended up turning inside out before I got it on him. I succeeded in dressing him eventually. He had his school jumper on over his top and just wore it inside out all day. I don't think he even noticed. I feel bad about it now though. That was just the beginning of my trials today. He cried and screamed all the way down the road to school. We walk it and he did that all the way. I was certianly tempted to hit him today. He really tried my patience. I had a normal day with my youngest. Except from the fact he spent this afternoon before we had to go back to school throwing their toys all over the dinning room and making a general mess of the place. Maybe there is something in the water today. After school Matt was fine on the way home. When we got here he refused to change OUT of his uniform again. That is routine and he always has a problem with it. The boys both refused to help clear up the mess. Despite the fact they were both falling over and hurting themselves in it. If I never have another day like today I will be eternally grateful! Why? Why do they have to behave like the devils spawn? They are barely school age. How can that be normal? How can I deal with them without resorting to violent abuse and shouting? They really drive me up the wall some days. Especially the older one. I am ready for a good fist fight now. Please direct me to the nearest drunken brawl? I'd like to join in and vent my frustrations! Okay maybe not. I am not the violent type really.

I went on you tube today to play music videos. I don't like the quiet much. I remembered how much I love the new Bond film and the theme tune in the opening sequence. I also love Stereophonics Maybe Tomorrow. That has been playing in my local co-op the last two times I have been in there. That was today and yesterday.
Yesterday I was out in town with my youngest boy and we were passed by two policemen on bicycles. That is not something you see everyday. They must be pretty fit, doing that. I live in a city. I used to live in the countryside all my childhood. I don't know what my point is. Anyway, it brightens my day if I see a fire engine. That probably makes me very strange. I don't know what it is about them. Sometimes I'm just like a big kid. The fire engines are big and red and have flashing lights and a siren. They are a pleasure to see. I fancy firemen too, but that is a completely seperate matter. Maybe I was a firefighter in a previous life or something. I think I have embarrassed myself quite enough for one day.

You Tube Recommendation

I hope I can get this to work properly. This http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBhBwXWlun4 is really cool! Check it out. It should be a link to a youtube video. I think it is really awesome. These guys are copying an artist called Akira Yamaoka. Aren't they great? If you need to hear what they are copying here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHIvGLcCsRs That is the opening sequence to a computer game. The music is called Theme Of Laura. I love it. It is definately recommend worthy. That's all for now.

The morning after

I hope I did not sound disrespectful or insulting with anything I said in my post yesterday, about PC Henry. My thoughts are with his wife today. I am actually as deeply affected by this as I imagine any police officer is. This case should most certainly not be used as a leverage for anything political. But at the same time it needs to ensure that something changes. The fact that I am not in the force or know no-one related to the fallen officer, actually matters not. I am just as affected by it as if I was. I find myself unable to stop thinking about Jonathan Henry and the effect his death is having on his wife. She must be in pieces. It is so tragic for his infant daughter. She will grow up not remembering her daddy and not having really known him. I'm sure she will be proud of him one day, just as I'm sure he will have been of his baby girl. His colleagues must be devastated. I imagine it is impossibly hard to face another day of work after someone you know and work with has been murdered. My condolences go out to all affected by this. Just like yesterday, I don't know what else to rabbit on about. Jon Henry's death is the only thing on my mind right now. I really need to try not to think about this so much. I will be unable to function if my mind is not focused on my own life.

Death strikes again

This morning a police officer died. He was stabbed to death in Luton. He had only been on duty for about fifteen minutes. And he was a young husband and father. I feel deeply saddened by this, on the verge of crying. I can't believe another good officers life has been taken. How can life be so cruel? I hate it when police officers die. It is truly one of the worst things that can happen. Of course it is awful when any person dies or is killed. But to me, that is the most awful death of all. And it keeps happening, with scary regularity. The current knife culture it so dangerous. I don't know what else to talk about today. This is the only thing that has affected me today. The only thing worth talking about. And this is the job I am looking to go into. I hope the day never comes when an officer from my region dies in the line fo duty. I expect officers from all regions think that. It is terrifying when it is close to home and for those who know the victim. It was not long ago when another officer was shot dead, trying to save his collegues. Isn't there anything we can do to prevent things like this happening?
Okay, I don't really have anything productive to say. I'm just venting and feeling really sad.
PC Jon Henry, todays victim. I hope he can be at peace and I'm sure he will be there in spirit to watch over his wife and baby daughter. So, so sad. I can hardly believe it.

Another Day Of Madness

I did not post last night because I could not get on the computer. The wonders of living in a house with others.
I went to a couple of Roman Forts yesterday, of rather what remains of them today. The first one was just the outerwalls, but the scenery of the surrounding countryside was beautiful. I was fascinated by the roman built walls, as they have layers of roman tiles in them. The second fort was some remains that had been excavated in a field in the middle of a housing estate. There was a small section of roman road which I found fascinating. The fort was a good few feet below current ground level.
My sons have been waking up early and then run around playing. They are noisy and the older one often refuses to get dressed. He is just being akward. I often just want to do something very wrong, just to make him dress himself. I don't know how to cope with my difficult infants. They reduce me to frustrated hair pulling and insane ramblings. I think I may be ready for the funny farm and day now. Perhaps the stress is to blame for my curse of endless spots. I always had flawless skin as a teenager and into my early twenties. Now I have spots and they make me feel so ugly. I don't know how to get rid of the little buggers. It is infuriating. Maybe that is the reason I am still single. I don't like being single. It sucks. But what can I do?

I'm new to this

I've just set up a blogging site for me. Yay!
I have just put my little ones to bed a couple of hours ago. Read a story book till they were asleep. My throat still hurts. I have two little boys aged three and five years. My five year old (technically four since his birthday is not till the end of the month) is an antisocial little terror at home. I dread to think what he will be like when he grows up. My three year old is a climber. If we had mount everest in the back garden he'd be up it everyday. And wouldn't be put off by falling and hurting himself. He was climbing round the dinning room chairs this afternoon.

I have an ambition. That is to be a police officer. After reading a lot of the things that I have read about the job I think I must be crazy. But I still have the determination to do it. Only I have to wait till my sons are older. I can't put in the hours yet, assuming I'd make it past the recruitment process. I am worried the most about not being able to pass the fitness test. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. But I AM however applying to become a special constable. I have filled out the application form and just need two mates of mine to agree to be references. I am quite excited about it. I hope I make it. I mean I hope I get recruited as a special. My parents don't have any faith in me, that I can do that job. I am not enough of a people person aparently. They might be right, but I'm not going to let that stop me from trying.

Well that is enough ramblings for today. If anyone reads this it will be nice and if they are interested enough to return that's cool. Maybe I'll see you again tommorrow