All things serious (Please read this one!)

Okay so I have something difficult that I have to do and I am having a hard time doing it. So I will start at the beginning. About between three years ten months or four years ago my ex raped me. I have only just reported it to the police. I no longer live in the town where the rape happened. I am happy to go back there to make my statement with the police, but I have the problem of babysitters for my children for the day. It would mean opening up to my parents about it, mostly telling my dad. How can you do something like that? How do I tell my dad that X raped me? The man in question is the father of my children and well known to my parents. They don't particularly like him anyway. My mum knows about it and has said to me that she hopes it doesn't go any further. But he raped me! How can I not be willing to support a prosecution on that? He could very well do it to someone else! My worry is that my dad will have a similar reaction and they will not support my choices in this. I live with my parents and my children at the moment. I have to share this thing with them, but it is so hard to talk about with them. Because of who they are to me. I have no problem telling the police about it now. My biggest regret is that I did not go to them straight away. I was too weak to deal with doing that at that time. But I really wish I had. Now I have to figure out how to tell my dad. I don't think I can do that though. That is like, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If you have any advice for me that might help please leave a comment for me. Thank you

My writing and other things

I am a writer. I love writing fiction stories. In fact, that is what I'd much rather be doing right this second. Then 'why am I here?' you ask. I don't know. I have written a good fifty pages of A4 double sided. It is somewhat violent story. I think the pace might be too fast. And I have too much happening and not enough dialogue, etc. I have begun to rewrite it in what I hope is a more organised fashion. I really want to get somebody to read it for me and give me their opinion on it and some feedback. But I can't ask anyone. I'm too scared that they will tell me that it is an awful story. I want it to be good. I want to be a fantastic writer. I can't take the criticism of failing with this one. Not yet. But if I don't ask, I'll never know! It gives me great pleasure to write it. It is like some kind of illness, a bug. I think about writing it all the time and I can hardly wait till the end of the day when I can get time to myself to work on it. It is always on my mind.

In other news, I got a letter today acknowledging receipt of my application to become a special. They are currently reviewing it and will be in touch.
It is my sons birthday tomorrow. He's five. I'm happy for him. I hope he has a good day.
Not much else to write about. Except how frustrated I am!
I mean that I have not had sex in almost a year and well, I'm dying here!
Give me an attractive young man who's good in bed for a night and I'll be your friend forever! lol. I am aching for some sex and am very sadly alone on that front. I want a man! And I want one now! (scream, tantrum, wail!) Just me and myself tonight then. Oh yay.

Me as a Special....

I want to become a special constable. I sent off my application form off in the post on the Monday just gone. I am pretty excited. I hope I make it through the application process. I'm not really sure what else is involved. I assume I have to do a fitness test. That is the part that worries me the most. From what I've read about the fitness test on the police oracle forum, I have nothing to worry about with that bit. That is somewhat comforting. I think I should be fit enough anyway (I hope!) I'm just waiting to hear from them now.

I'm Free (Heaven Helps The Man)

Woohoo! I posted a video from youtube on my blog! I'm so happy! I'd forgotten how much I like this song. In case you don't know, this song is originally from the 80's film Footloose. It's sung by Kenny Loggins.

Scum of the earth

I have read in today's newspaper, as I'm sure many have, about a young man convicted of child porn. The scariest thing is, he's my age! I thought paedophiles were old or ageing men. He was running a worldwide porn website porn ring thingy. All the things he is alleged to have done are truly disgusting and sick. I'm so glad that he is now going to be locked up. Even if it is for a pathetically short stretch. I just so suprised at his young age and the filth that he did.

The youth of today

OK, I'm not as horrible as I may have made out before. I do not beat my children. I just get exasperated with them. They can be really sweet little boys and are really good boys much of the time.

Anyway, onto other things. They have gone to visit their other grandparents today. I have been to see the new Pirates Of The Caribbean film. It is SO long! But a great film. The end credits are about ten minutes long! Sitting through them is really worth it. I won't tell you why in case you haven't seen it.
I was walking back home from the city. I live about a mile or so out from the city centre. I walked past a couple of young lads, can't have been much older than about fourteen or thereabouts. They both had an open can of fosters in their hand and were walking down the street. One of them asked me for a rizler, but I don't smoke. His voice sounded a bit slurred. I was thinking 'How old are you? Who supplied you with that alcohol? Do you know it is illegal to drink on the streets in the city centre?' I only replied to his question and said nothing more. I think I'm beginning to think like a copper. Before, I would not have thought like that in the same situation.
I walk past the police station everytime I go into the city, as it's on my route. Today I noticed the lack of squad cars parked out front and instead there was many of those small crime scene investigation vans parked out front. And the usual couple of large marked vans. Where are they all this afternoon? There is normally several marked cars parked out front of the station. The station is the area headquarters.
There is a small area in the city that is designated for graffiti. Some of it gets changed every week of so. This week one of the paintings is really good. Someone has spray painted a beautiful portrait of a womans face with long flowing hair. Who ever these grafiti artists are, a few of them are really talented.

Why?!

My oldest son is a couple of weeks away from his fifth birthday and is driving me crazy today. He has behaved like the devil has taken control of him. It started this morning. My parents and my younger sister all got up and dressed and everything like normal. My youngest son was dressed by me. But would Matt get dressed for school? No! He is perfectly able to do it himself and is good at dressing himself, but often refuses to. He spent at least an hour in just his pants. I was getting myself ready and preparing his drink and snack to take to school and getting my own breakfast. It came to the time we leave for school and he was still in his pants! I attempted to talk him into dressing himself and it didn't work. I told him that he could just go like that and went to take his hand to take him downstairs to put his shoes on. He began getting worked up. I guess he's as stubborn as me. I went to dress him and he began crying and screaming and kicking his legs. I tried to put his trousers on him and he kicked his legs so that I couldn't get both legs in. I instead went to put his top on and he put his hands on his head. It ended up turning inside out before I got it on him. I succeeded in dressing him eventually. He had his school jumper on over his top and just wore it inside out all day. I don't think he even noticed. I feel bad about it now though. That was just the beginning of my trials today. He cried and screamed all the way down the road to school. We walk it and he did that all the way. I was certianly tempted to hit him today. He really tried my patience. I had a normal day with my youngest. Except from the fact he spent this afternoon before we had to go back to school throwing their toys all over the dinning room and making a general mess of the place. Maybe there is something in the water today. After school Matt was fine on the way home. When we got here he refused to change OUT of his uniform again. That is routine and he always has a problem with it. The boys both refused to help clear up the mess. Despite the fact they were both falling over and hurting themselves in it. If I never have another day like today I will be eternally grateful! Why? Why do they have to behave like the devils spawn? They are barely school age. How can that be normal? How can I deal with them without resorting to violent abuse and shouting? They really drive me up the wall some days. Especially the older one. I am ready for a good fist fight now. Please direct me to the nearest drunken brawl? I'd like to join in and vent my frustrations! Okay maybe not. I am not the violent type really.

I went on you tube today to play music videos. I don't like the quiet much. I remembered how much I love the new Bond film and the theme tune in the opening sequence. I also love Stereophonics Maybe Tomorrow. That has been playing in my local co-op the last two times I have been in there. That was today and yesterday.
Yesterday I was out in town with my youngest boy and we were passed by two policemen on bicycles. That is not something you see everyday. They must be pretty fit, doing that. I live in a city. I used to live in the countryside all my childhood. I don't know what my point is. Anyway, it brightens my day if I see a fire engine. That probably makes me very strange. I don't know what it is about them. Sometimes I'm just like a big kid. The fire engines are big and red and have flashing lights and a siren. They are a pleasure to see. I fancy firemen too, but that is a completely seperate matter. Maybe I was a firefighter in a previous life or something. I think I have embarrassed myself quite enough for one day.

You Tube Recommendation

I hope I can get this to work properly. This http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBhBwXWlun4 is really cool! Check it out. It should be a link to a youtube video. I think it is really awesome. These guys are copying an artist called Akira Yamaoka. Aren't they great? If you need to hear what they are copying here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHIvGLcCsRs That is the opening sequence to a computer game. The music is called Theme Of Laura. I love it. It is definately recommend worthy. That's all for now.

The morning after

I hope I did not sound disrespectful or insulting with anything I said in my post yesterday, about PC Henry. My thoughts are with his wife today. I am actually as deeply affected by this as I imagine any police officer is. This case should most certainly not be used as a leverage for anything political. But at the same time it needs to ensure that something changes. The fact that I am not in the force or know no-one related to the fallen officer, actually matters not. I am just as affected by it as if I was. I find myself unable to stop thinking about Jonathan Henry and the effect his death is having on his wife. She must be in pieces. It is so tragic for his infant daughter. She will grow up not remembering her daddy and not having really known him. I'm sure she will be proud of him one day, just as I'm sure he will have been of his baby girl. His colleagues must be devastated. I imagine it is impossibly hard to face another day of work after someone you know and work with has been murdered. My condolences go out to all affected by this. Just like yesterday, I don't know what else to rabbit on about. Jon Henry's death is the only thing on my mind right now. I really need to try not to think about this so much. I will be unable to function if my mind is not focused on my own life.

Death strikes again

This morning a police officer died. He was stabbed to death in Luton. He had only been on duty for about fifteen minutes. And he was a young husband and father. I feel deeply saddened by this, on the verge of crying. I can't believe another good officers life has been taken. How can life be so cruel? I hate it when police officers die. It is truly one of the worst things that can happen. Of course it is awful when any person dies or is killed. But to me, that is the most awful death of all. And it keeps happening, with scary regularity. The current knife culture it so dangerous. I don't know what else to talk about today. This is the only thing that has affected me today. The only thing worth talking about. And this is the job I am looking to go into. I hope the day never comes when an officer from my region dies in the line fo duty. I expect officers from all regions think that. It is terrifying when it is close to home and for those who know the victim. It was not long ago when another officer was shot dead, trying to save his collegues. Isn't there anything we can do to prevent things like this happening?
Okay, I don't really have anything productive to say. I'm just venting and feeling really sad.
PC Jon Henry, todays victim. I hope he can be at peace and I'm sure he will be there in spirit to watch over his wife and baby daughter. So, so sad. I can hardly believe it.

Another Day Of Madness

I did not post last night because I could not get on the computer. The wonders of living in a house with others.
I went to a couple of Roman Forts yesterday, of rather what remains of them today. The first one was just the outerwalls, but the scenery of the surrounding countryside was beautiful. I was fascinated by the roman built walls, as they have layers of roman tiles in them. The second fort was some remains that had been excavated in a field in the middle of a housing estate. There was a small section of roman road which I found fascinating. The fort was a good few feet below current ground level.
My sons have been waking up early and then run around playing. They are noisy and the older one often refuses to get dressed. He is just being akward. I often just want to do something very wrong, just to make him dress himself. I don't know how to cope with my difficult infants. They reduce me to frustrated hair pulling and insane ramblings. I think I may be ready for the funny farm and day now. Perhaps the stress is to blame for my curse of endless spots. I always had flawless skin as a teenager and into my early twenties. Now I have spots and they make me feel so ugly. I don't know how to get rid of the little buggers. It is infuriating. Maybe that is the reason I am still single. I don't like being single. It sucks. But what can I do?

I'm new to this

I've just set up a blogging site for me. Yay!
I have just put my little ones to bed a couple of hours ago. Read a story book till they were asleep. My throat still hurts. I have two little boys aged three and five years. My five year old (technically four since his birthday is not till the end of the month) is an antisocial little terror at home. I dread to think what he will be like when he grows up. My three year old is a climber. If we had mount everest in the back garden he'd be up it everyday. And wouldn't be put off by falling and hurting himself. He was climbing round the dinning room chairs this afternoon.

I have an ambition. That is to be a police officer. After reading a lot of the things that I have read about the job I think I must be crazy. But I still have the determination to do it. Only I have to wait till my sons are older. I can't put in the hours yet, assuming I'd make it past the recruitment process. I am worried the most about not being able to pass the fitness test. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. But I AM however applying to become a special constable. I have filled out the application form and just need two mates of mine to agree to be references. I am quite excited about it. I hope I make it. I mean I hope I get recruited as a special. My parents don't have any faith in me, that I can do that job. I am not enough of a people person aparently. They might be right, but I'm not going to let that stop me from trying.

Well that is enough ramblings for today. If anyone reads this it will be nice and if they are interested enough to return that's cool. Maybe I'll see you again tommorrow