Waffle, waffle, waffle......

I am feeling troubled by many things in my life.
I have regrets too. Who doesn't?

I'm still living with my parents. It's not as bad as it has been at times in the past, but I still hate being here. In some ways it has been a blessing, but I worry about the affect living with my parents has had on my sons. Especially compared to if we were still living with my boyfriend (the boys father). I left him because I got scared and paniced. What possessed me to come back to my parents? In some ways I don't think I'd have coped without their support, but in others it has been one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I also divorced him after moving here (we'd barely been married a year). I was hurting due to the seperation from him. My efforts to make the seperation permanent were to set in motion divorce proceedings straight away, to blank him at every effort by him to make contact and to sell my wedding ring. I don't know what else I may have done. Suffice to say it didn't work. I still loved him too much. Over time I started responding and we talked about things. I knew he didn't want to break up or divorce, but it was a done deal. We made up and let my parents know. The way they reacted you'd think I'd just told them I had killed police officer. Talk about over reacting! How could I be so stupid? I am such a drama queen! The best place for the boys is here with them. They would fight me for custody if I ever try to take them away. Yadda, yadda, yadda!
So again me and Jon parted, I think. Since then I have resorted to lying to my parents in order to spend time with him. It was the case that I was going to spend the weekend with 'Phil' in Ipswich. Since there had really been a Phil in Ipswich at one of the points me and him were not together, this worked a treat. Then he moved in with a girl. She and him had dated at one of the times me and him were not together. She offered to share her flat with him (it was way better than where he was living). He sleeps on her sofa. Not ideal, but he gets by. He says she does not want me at the flat. So we can no longer spend time together in Ipswich.
I am feeling pretty insecure lately and I have never felt insecure in a relationship before. He is poor, so does not always have credit on his phone. So there are long periods when I don't hear from him. This does not help. I am so scared of loosing him. I know he still feels the same way he always has done, and wants us to be together again. But I'm scared this could change and I'd loose him.
I feel stuck here. I want to be with him more than anything. Nobody (well, maybe a few of his mates) knows we are back together. I have the impression my parents would rather see me six feet under than back with him. I don't know why they have to be like that. He is not a bad person. He is kind and gentle and loving.
He slapped me once, but it didn't hurt or leave a mark. He just says he forgot himself for a second. He could never imagine doing the things to me that I was afraid of when I left him. I wondered if a light slap was how domestic violence begins. Was he going to start hitting me now? I got so scared. But I don't remember ever hearing him raise his voice and we've known each other ten years now. I could not picture him punching me. That was the reason I am where I am today. I miss him so much!
How could I have been so thoughtless? When I got scared logic went out the window. I was not thinking of anything much, least of all the future.  I forgot how bad being with my parents could be.
I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not left him then, but that is little comfort when I want to be back with him so much. I guess part of the craving for being back living together is that it seems so out of reach. He is waiting for me to swing back the other way and start doubting if I want to be with him again.
I don't pretend that it would be perfect, we'd likely still have the same (or similar) financial problems as before.

The guilt over the abortion I had still sits at the back of my mind, just waiting for me to think of it so I can feel the heavy burden weighing my heart down again. She (he) would be four now and in the first year of school. How do women live with themselves after having an abortion? How can it even be legal? It's murder by another name. I can't believe I ever agreed to do it. I decided to have it done because I felt that was my only choice at the time, but I never in my heart truely wanted to do it. When I told mum I was pregnant she started crying and said her life was ruined. I still fail to see her logic behind that thought. I knew I had to do it because it was what mum and dad wanted and expected, but I had to say that I wanted to do it. The decision had to be mine. The baby was only six weeks gone when I had it done, but I couldn't help think of it as a baby already. I remember sitting in the waiting room at the abortion clinic with mum. I was nervous and didn't want to do it. But I didn't say anything to anyone. I did what I thought I had to do.
I start fainting when I get pregnant, so I couldn't just have not told my parents, they'd have guessed.
When I got pregnant with my first born mum tried so hard to get me to have an abortion, but I never backed down. She talked me to tears many times over a drink in a supermarket cafe. She said she's force me to have one if she could because she thought it was for the best. Why did I cave in so easily that second time before it was even mentioned out loud? I feel like such a hypocrite. I am already a mother and then I go and do something like that. It wasn't even a rape conception. I wanted that baby. When I concieved we both knew what we were doing. It is so hard to live with the choice I made. I killed my baby. That's the long and short of it. I love babies and having them. The birth is a nightmare and so painful. When I had my second son I ended up just getting through on gas and air, bled all over the place. Thought it would never end, but he is amazing. It's worth it for the little life we make. The feeling of having a life growing inside you and feeling it moving around in your tummy is like nothing else in the world. Dispite all the discomforts and the drawbacks to pregnancy, it is the best feeling in the world. The only thing I have been sure of my whole life is that I wanted to have children. I have them now, but want more. Enough is never enough, I guess. When I got run down by a car when I was 13 I was comatose for two days. I have a recollection of being in the ambulance because I remember the paramedic talking to me. He asked me where it hurt. His voice was loud. Maybe he was shouting to be heard over the siren they must have been using. I replied that it hurt all over. He asked me if I could be more specific and I said my shoulder and my leg hurt. I was moaning and clutching my shoulder. I was upset that he had to cut my cardigan off because it was brand new. It's a strange thing to be upset about after being hit by a car! That is the only thing I can remember until I woke up in a hospital bed. It was night time and my dad was sitting next to the bed in a chair, asleep. At some point previous to waking up (I think) or perhaps to encourage my recovery I thought of having children. I told myself I have to survive this, so I can have children someday. I got glass in my face and still have scars around my eyes. I wonder if I was ever in danger of dying from that? Being hit by a car is pretty serious. The driver didn't even stop. If I got glass in my face the windscreen must have broken or cracked. Seems a bit hard to drive like that. You've just run down a thirteen year old schoolgirl, what's the next thing you do? Stop to see if you've killed her and panic like hell? You carry on driving, of course! After I came out of hospital I went down to the police station so they could ask me what I remembered? The answer? Let's see, I have suffered head trauma after he most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Do I remember what colour the car was and the number plate or do I have amnesia about that entire day? The police kept repeating the same question. What do you remember? Tell us anything you can remember? I guess they had very little to go on, but I am about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. However, I heard that the driver handed himself in. After a story about it appeared in the local paper maybe. I don't know. I was only 13.  I don't even know his name or anything. I guess he felt guilty afterall. From what I was told I walked out from behind the school bus as he was overtaking (the bus was stationary) I didn't see him coming and he didn't see me.

I have talked about many things and am going to go and try to think cheerful thoughts now.
x

I like this photo. Does that make me a pervert?

Explicit image below! Do not look at it if you are offended by topless women!

No, I am not in it (just in case you were wondering!)

I swiped it off the net someplace.I did a google image search and this was one of the results.

I won't tell you what I was searching for (you can come to your own conclusions!)

I like this photo, it's kinda hot. Thinking the chick on the left may have fake tits, or she is just very perky!

I have no idea what the words covering the photo are or where it came from. Google had it.

Can you please stop leaving spam comments in Greek?

I don't fucking read Greek, it's meaningless gibberish to me!

Oh man, I haven't been on here since forever!

Still at my parents, but I don't want to talk about that anymore.
I saw a relate councellor (don't know how to spell that word properly!) last week and going again tomorrow. It's to discuss everything in the hope that she can offer some useful advice and help me to resolve a few things.

Jon and I don't get to see each other hardly ever, but despite that we are in a pretty good place (relationship wise) right now. Under the circumstances. He is sharing a flat with the woman that he went out with after I left him. She likes him and still wants to get back together. That must have been her motivation for offering to flat share with him. He's not interested. He sleeps on her couch and she has the only bedroom. He says she pesters him to split with me and get back with her. But on the up side, living there is much better than the dump his brother calls home. I trust him, of course. If I didn't I'd loose my mind!
I'd like for us to give things another go properly, but it's not so simple. He lives in Ipswich and I in Norwich, which are miles apart for one thing. Our sons are settled in school here, good schools and their friends are here. I'm hesitant to look at pulling them away from that. But Jon's older son from his previous relationship is in his town, as is his job and all his relatives. It's an awkward situation.
Neither of us have a car. I can drive but he can't.
Not only that but my parents can't stand him (due to the previous turmoil in our relationship) and don't know we are on such good terms.
Me and him have forgiven and forgotten the past, but I don't think my parents are capable of that.

It's coming up to christmas and I'm struggling to buy presents for everyone without running up minor debts.
But I'll get there. I always get by somehow. God, I need a job! But there isn't many out there. I've been applying though, and getting turned down left, right and center. Now my kids are a little older and both in school I feel uselss, just sitting at home doing nothing.

I have sent off the first three chapters of a story of mine to a literary agent to see if they are interested. It's the first time I've ever pursued publishing any of my work. I'm hopeful, but know they could easily be not interested. I'll let you know what response I get.

It's my birthday today!

March fifteenth and I'm 29 years old. Yay!
It's not fair, my birthday should not be this stressful.
I like being with Three for my phone contract. My latest one expired last week and I don't want to get an upgrade, I just want to start over with a new contract. In january I wrote a letter to Three asking them to terminate my contract when it came to the end of the term. I got a phone call from an agent confirming reciept of my letter. But she did not tell me weather she was going to terminate my contract, she tried to sell me an upgrade. I said I wasn't ready to look at that yet and didn't want to. She didn't care. She insisted that I look at the deals available so that she could ring me back the next day and discuss. I agreed to that just to get rid of her and then refused to answer when she rang me for the next few days.
A week ago on sunday I went online and ordered a new phone/contract through the company's website. Only I never got any email confirmations or letter about any of it and the phone was not delivered on the day the website said it would be. I went into the Three store to try and sort this out and things just got worse.
I found out that I have to give thirty days notice BY PHONE to end my contract. I wish she'd have f'ing told me that before!
A saleman in the store phoned up the company on his phone and we tried to fix things.
The phone I ordered online was pending or something and I got that sorted, kind of.
When I spoke to customer services to try and arrange the contract termination she said she could give me a good upgrade deal and insisted I let her tell me the options. She cleverly worded things so that I'd agree on a new deal, which I stupidly did without fully realising what I was doing. At the end when I remembered about the other phone, the one I wanted and I tried to ask her about it she got confused and rambled on about something else. Then said is there anything else I can help you with?
Yes, you can roll up and die, cause I f'ing hate your stupid ass! But I didn't say that.
So now I have two deals. The phone I want that I ordered online. This is apparently on hold and won't be dispatched. And the upgrade she sold me that I don't really want. Which is being delivered tomorrow.
I phoned up to try and cancel the phone that's coming tomorrow and was told I can't. I have to refuse the delivery and then ring back to try and sort out closing my account for the contract which expired last week, but has now been renewed and upgraded.
If I wasn't looking at paying money I wouldn't ring that bitch up again for a million bucks!
I am left SO angry, frustrated, furious and upset. I'd like to reach down the phone and throttle that stupid saleswoman. She doesn't give a damn about what I want at all! She doesn't care that I don't want whatever good deal she can sell me.
Back in january she said, but I can give you a very good deal that you won't get in store or online.
I though yes, but I'm not ready to think about a new contract yet and don't want to look.
Maybe I don't want a good deal. I'm actually happy with an okay deal that I can get from online.
She can go fuck herself. I really wanted to shout at her and ruin her day, like she's ruined mine.
I don't know how I could be so calm and polite when inside I was just burning with fury.
So now things are even more messed up than they were yesterday. It leads me to ask myself is it really worth all the hastle?
I like the security of a contract. That's why I go for them instead of pay as you go. When my contract comes to the end of it's term I like to get a new one, with a new phone, instead of upgrading.
It just should not be this stressful. It's not fair that I have to deal with this on my fucking birthday!
I chose to go into town today cause I stupidly thought the absent new phone I asked for could be easily sorted out. How could I think a simple thing like chasing down a hung up online order could be far from complicated?
If I have to speak to that woman again I don't know if I can bite my tongue. I almost hope that I do get to speak to her and after she sorts out my issue, I can recall how angry she made me feel and just give her a piece of my mind. I haven't felt this furious in as long as I can remember. I want to ruin her day and make her feel bad cause it would feel good. Revenge is sweet!
I've just been calling her any derrogitory name you can think of this morning and then I tried  not to think about it anymore so I wouldn't be stressed all afternoon.

So it's my birthday and that is the thing that matters/bothers me the most today. Isn't that sad?

Bras and Stuff

I have been having a bra nightmare. The two that I brought six to twelve months ago (I can't remember how long I've had them now) don't fir properly. Since I was ill last October (spent several weeks in bed) I have not worn a bra. Didn't wear one while I was laid up in bed and when I recovered just found them too uncomfortable. The end result is unpleasant droppyness. I bit the bullet and got fitted on saturday (in John Lewis). I don't recommend them. The bra I was fitted with felt tight, but I didn't say anything cause it's ment to be tight, but after a few hours of wear it left red marks under my breasts across the front of my chest. The shop won't refund either cause the bra now looks worn. Spent time crying about it. I hate bras so much. I really wish I didn't have to wear one at all! Got fitted in M&S today and they are much better. Was fitted with a completely different size to the fitting in John Lewis. Felt more comfortable, but they don't have the size I need in the colour I'd prefer. It's such a new bra I can't even order the one I want yet. So again I'm braless! Probably not a pleasant though, sorry.
That's all that's bugging me right now really.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU LOT STOP SPAMMING ME? I DON'T WANT TO ADVERTISE ANY OF YOUR SHIT!
Thank you x

Sex and Relationships

I've discovered the difference between love and sex. Not such a big breakthrough perhaps. There is this guy that I know. To say we're dating would be stretching the truth cause he's not reliable enough to actually go through with a date. He wants me. If I did him (for me) it would just be plain sex, no emotional involvement. I don't love him or anything, but we have brilliant chemistry. That's why I can't do it with him though. As a woman, I need that emotional bond before I can jump into bed with a guy. Doing it with love feels so much better. I don't know how much sense this makes, but it feels good to put pen to paper (so to speak) with it. This guy is someone I have had a relationship with in the past. He still wants me, I guess.

I feel disconnected from people. I don't let anyone into my head very often. It's a defensive tactic to prevent myself getting hurt. I try not to share with my parents if I can help it. Mum's feedback about anything always tends to feel like criticism. Now I can take criticism, but not all the time over everything. I also feel like she treats me like I'm stupid. Outside my family I have little contact with anyone. I find myself avoiding conversation with other mums and dads at school if I can help it because the idea of talking with them scares me.I would have to think of things to say, whilst trying to not appear rude and do the normal things people do when they converse. I don't know what's up with me. Strangely I feel closest to Jon (my ex) He is still my best friend in many ways. I know I love him (and he always claims to love me) but I am doubtful we can have a proper relationship. I can't/don't want to have sex with him anymore and he does with me. It is a very important part of a relationship for him. He could not be with me again if that was not part of the relationship. (I know this cause we have talked about it in the past and he said as much.

What hope is there for me? Stuck with my sons at my parents house and no man to love completely. I'm not one of those women who need a man to make her feel complete. But I crave that social norm. To be settled down in a nice house with a nice man and with children (I already have those but would also like more) and just being happy with everything. I should be happy with what I've got and I am, but it's not enough. I don't want this life. I want to live in the USA and to be an american and to be married to an American guy. THAT is my hope deep down, what I want out of life. But I don't have a chance in hell of that really. I don't know what my obsession with the united states is about, but it's always there. Perhaps I was an american in a past life or something and the memories of that are so joyful or whatever that they have been imprinted on my soul and the love for that country has been carried over into this life. Who knows? Maybe god does.