Do you know this man?

There was once a man
His eyes were brown
His hair was curly and black
His moves were unique
He bought joy to the world
Everyone knows this guy's name
When you hear the beat and see him dance
there is no mistaking who he is
Millions love him, like no other
Many stood by him when his dream turned to a nightmare
He has three beautiful children and was a brilliant father
This man could not have attracted more attention if he was god!
I feel honoured to have shared his lifetime
He will live on in our hearts and minds, through his awesome music
He was the most beautiful person in the world
Do you know this man?









Have you any idea who I am talking about?
I am of course refering to the late, great Michael Jackson
This is my own opinion, from the heart.
(BTW, I made up this verse myself and have not copied these words from anywhere!)

God rest his soul
xxx

Same Old....

I have not written on here for a while but nothing much has altered since I last did so. Only my depression has deepened. I feel trapped here. I can't afford to move out and I have one percent chance of getting a suitable council house. I am saving up but will have to put that towards a holiday for my sons. I am on the housing list but there is always people more desperate than me bidding on the decent properties. So here I am. Stuck in hell with my kids. It's not my kids that are the problem it's my parents. Perhaps I have been over this already in previous posts. I moved in with my parents back when my littlies were a baby and a toddler because I split from their dad and had nowhere else to go. At the time I was actually gripped by an illogical fear of what the future might hold for me and my partner. In actuallity I think I was leaving an open prison and walking into a lions den. Only the lions don't kill you right away. They slowly eat away at your confidence and your nerves, clawing you barely enough to draw blood. Until you can't sleep for worrying and the stress is knawing at your bones and it kills you to feel so trapped and helpless to protect your children. It is not as severe and brutal as things like the poor baby peter case, but it is almost as devestating. It's bad enough that I grew up with the way my so called parents treated me but now they are doing it to my sons and that is inexcusable.

Okay so tonight I was trying to get my boys to have a wash and get changed for bed. They were quite happily reading and playing and pretending it did not need doing right now. I took away a book that my almost seven year old was trying to look at and he said Hey! in a fairly reasonable objecting tone of voice in response. I did not mind. I thought it was a fair reaction. In response my father comes out into the hall and thumps him shouting at him not to speak to me like that. Matt (my son who got hit) starts crying and holds the side of his head saying it hurts. My mother says it didn't hurt. I'm thinking how do you know? How dare she say it doesn't hurt! Does she know what he's feeling? I wanted nothing more than to hold Matt and comfort him. He wants my comfort too. But I cheerfully talk to him as I try to help him change. It breaks my heart not to help him. I was afraid to hug him and give him the comfort he so badly needed because I did not want to give my father any more reason to be angry. He frown on hugging them whenever they are crying. He thinks me and my mum do it too much and that it encourages them to cry when they don't need to and for longer than necessary. He's a cold heartless bully and I hate him. I hate being related to him and I hate having to share a house with him. I hate having to spend any time in the same room as him. And you know the best part? My parents appear to think their behaviour is normal and perfectly okay. They don't even have any idea how I feel. I would break their cold hearts to know the depth of my true feelings for them. Way back when I was a little girl I used to love my dad and look forward to when he came home for lunch, the rare times I was not at school. That affection has long since dissapated. I have not talked about why I hate my mother in this post but I could list a dozen depressing reasons or incidents to illustrate why.

My earliest memory is when I must have been only three or four years old. Very small. Something happened that caused me to run from the living room and flee upstairs to my room gripped by insane fearful panic. I recall hysterically yelling in fear No daddy don't hit me! No daddy! No! As he pursued me up the stairs. This only caused my fear to escalate of course. I ran into my room and shut the door standing behind it trying to hold it shut, whilst crying hysterically. He tried to gain entry which made me more distressed. He told me Have I ever hit you? Have I ever hit you? The answer was no, but it took a long time till I calmed down. I don't actually remember a time in my life since then when I have ever been so scared.

My parents are abusive and the abuse is tearing me apart. I can't say what effect it has on my two sons, but it is going to be negative. Worse case scenario they grow up into monsters. I'd hope they have too much of me and their daddy in them for that though, and that I have taught them to know better. But the abuse is not severe enough that social services can do anything or criminal enough that the police can do anything. Besides I am an adult too. But what can I do? I'm fucking stuck here! So it's just me and them. Left here to rot. Out on a limb all by ourselves. I get afraid sometimes that my mum is going to hurt Matt. I mean more than usual, seriously hurt him. Or maybe even kill him. Is that what were waiting for? My sons have to be dead or bleeding before anyone takes notice? Well I'd rather keep them alive and breathing if it's all the same. I have to stop now before I start crying and falling apart. No chance I'll get a good nights sleep tonight after what my father did.

Ah, where do I begin...............?

Don't know what to say. Have taken two potentially drastic steps. Number one I have written an anonymous letter to the national newspaper that I read basically slating my parents and detailing all the shit that goes on at home. Nothing may come of it anyway. Depends what action the paper decides to take on it. It was a desperate plea for help really and a determination to announce the wrongs that are happening here. Number two I have initiated contact with the police regarding the abuse my parents dish out. I am just totally scared. My dad is going to be so furious if/when he finds out what I've done. But at the same time I have had enough. I don't have the guts to stand up to my dad directly, but so long as it can be done without putting myself or my two children in danger I am ready to stop him. By whatever means necessary. I am sick of witnessing how he scares my young sons and how my mum hurts them when she hits them. I need to save them from more harm. I don't want them to grow up into either timid little men or angry violent ones. I just hope that I am doing the right thing, mainly about involving the police in this. That is a huge step. I have not only the three of us to consider, but also my two younger sister. Both are grown up and one no longer lives at home. They get on way better with mum and dad than I do and the youngest one is at university and still partly financially dependant on our parents. I am worried about upsetting the uneasy balance of life at home, unbalancing the routine we have. Because I don't know how the change (whatever change I have put us in for) will impact on my boys. Also I don't know how my parents will react. When I do things they disapprove of (like getting together with my ex, who is my boys father) I usually get an ear bashing. Long lectures at high volume about what an idiot I am, etc. Dad likes to label me as a drama queen. This thing I am kicking off with the police is the biggest thing I have ever done and it scares me to think how furious my dad will be with me. But it needs to be done. I feel this may be the only way of freeing my children and myself from my parents grasp. My relationship with them is similar to one between an abused partner and his/her abuser. It is my parents house and they have taken the dominating role with raising my sons. I have been desperate to get out of here for a long time, but have so far been unable to. I am on the council housing list and started bidding on properties. I got a couple of viewings. But at that time my youngest was still in pre school which is only part time. Therefore I had to share with my parents where I was going and why when viewing the properties. They began being as unsupportive as possible and did their utmost to talk me out of it. To prevent months of arguments and bad mouthing I pretended I had given up looking. You know how my dad asked me?
Is this moving out thing all done with now?
Bastard! As if I am a fucking teenager or something! I'm 27 years old. In fact when I first had to tell them I was seriously looking at moving out my dad asked me
What about the boys?
I was like, what about them? We will be fine, don't worry. I am ready to move out now. He said
Are you taking them with you?
I was fucking gobsmacked! How dare he! I know for sure what a lousy parent they have me down as now. When I came to them my littlest was a baby and my other son a mere toddler. You know what? They were well behaved, good little boys. Still are. While they have grown in this volatile atmosphere they have changed. And I blame my parents faulty parenting skills completely. My eldest is an angry, temperamental, moody little boy. My other one is prone to regular accidents even though he was toilet trained at least a year ago. He cries and says he doesn't like grandad putting him to bed and I don't fucking blame him. He traumatises and scares my boys. I feel powerless to stop him cause he scares me too. I hate that I have managed to give him so much power and am now unable to take it back. My boys father is a good man and a good daddy. I wish we were still together. I'd go back to him in a second if I thought it were that simple. My parents hate the air he breathes. They'd rather see me dead than with him again, that much I am sure of. I'd rather see my parents six feet under to be honest! But I won't go there. I don't really mean anything by it. I'd never act on it or anything. I am still seeing him again, but in secret from my parents. They think I am dating someone completely different, whom they have never met. I have learnt my lesson there! I love him and we have worked out everything between us. The reasons why I left and such. We have forgiven and forgotten and are prepared to move on. I am damned if I am going to let my parents stop me seeing him. If they don't know they won't hassle me about it. Sorted! Only downside is I can't talk about it with anyone. Most of all our sons can't know because they might talk about it.

On one hand I hope I am doing the right thing by going to the police about my parents abuse. On the other I know it has to be the right thing to do. Going to the police about something is only ever wrong if you have a complete fabrication and are only wasting their time. I am certainly not doing that. It is all 100% true. Then why am I so scared?

So anyway........

I have not posted on here for a while. Things are okay with me. Still living at my parents, but it is a little more bareable at the moment. My dad seems to be keeping more of a lid on himself. He just practically lives at work at the moment. Perhaps that's his way of dealing with it. I am throwing myself into working on writing one of my stories and playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in my spare time. Perhaps as a distraction, I don't know.

It's close to christmas now and I feel so unprepared! I just need to get off my ass and start serious christmas shopping. I don't have presents for anybody but my boys yet! And time is running out.

I am getting on well with my ex. Still refer to him in that way, even though we are committed to each other at the moment. Perhaps it is just a demonstration of my uncertainty. (I should have done psychology, I am always trying to look for the meaning behind everything!) Been seeing each other every few weeks, well maybe more like every six weeks!

My boys are doing great though.

Don't know what else to say. Life is so complicated, ain't it?
x

Thanks, Mark. Your advice means a lot. It's nice to have some outside input, you know?

My life drives me crazy sometimes. I feel like I'm not always in control of my own destiny. I have unwillingly given over partial control to my parents and I don't know how to get it back! It's ridiculous really. I'm a fully grown woman, a parent and suddenly feeling so reliant on my parents. I hate it! My dad can be so controlling. That is my biggest problem. I am scared to stand up to him and say this is what I want so deal with it! Saying something like that with the right attitude is just not my style. I'm too shy and timid for that. Besides I'm intimidated by him and scared of him. But I want to get out of the house perminantly so badly! And not just for my sake, but my kids too. (I may be repeating myself a little here)

Perhaps the need to escape has something to do with my obsession with America. I feel reluctant to admit it in this way, but I have strong urges to visit New York City. I have felt this way for a long time and feel too restricted by my finances and personal situation to act on it. By a long time I mean years. I feel like the United States is where I truely belong and have felt that way for as long as I can recall. But at the same time I feel crazy for feeling that way. It can't be normal. I know I'm not alone though. Many people around the world still see the US as the great land of opportunity. When in reality it is just another country with it's own set of problems, just like every other place in the world. But I will certainly go there one day. Even if it just for a short holiday. What am I talking about, that's all I can go there for anyway. I have nothing to offer her. I can only be a tourist. That is better than nothing though. I am so heartsick over it. I feel homesick for America, honestly. That's crazy right? Maybe I'm ready for the men in white coats.
Oh look! Here they come now! lol

Catch ya later x

Thanks, Daemon fairy. My boyfriend does not have the same anger issues, but there is a host of issues all of our own. For starters my parents don't even like him! So it is difficult for us to be together. And I have intimacy issues with him. I love sex and everything, but I just never want to do it with him. We do fine together now though apart from the fact I never want to do it with him. I'll be fine. I am really tired today. I can't write more right now, too tired. I'm just drained. I want more than anything to be happy and for my sons to be happy. My parents think that my kids are better off here with them because I am not a fit mother alone. They have not said so much in those words but have managed to imply that. It does wonders for my already low confidence in my parenting skills. I said to my parents a while back that I was seriously considering moving out. I had been bidding on council properties on the housing list. My parents didn't like the idea they don't think I'm ready. It is good having them around because they help care for my sons, but the trade off is putting up with the abuse. I want to seek outside help but I don't think there is anyone I can go to about this. Nobody cares that much.

Mmmm so what's new?

God sometimes I hate my life! Perhaps I'm just being too harsh. It's a beautiful day and I should be happy. I am worried about stuff. So worried. My eldest son is moody and a real problem. He is difficult and he's only six! I'm worried about where his problems stem from. I live with my parents and my two small sons. When I moved out before I had my kids I was SO depressed. I think the deep depression was a side effect of living with my parents. I couldn't wait to get out. I feel like I'm being nasty though because they are my parents after all. And now I'm back here again! Only this time I have my babies in tow! I have been worried for them for months. My dad can be scary. He shouts a lot and is very forceful about stuff. I'm scared of him! But I'm stuck here. This house is not a healthy environment for my children. Too much stress and anger and shouting goes on. If we (the adults) let our anger get the better of ourselves how are we going to teach my sons to take it easy? Perhaps none of this is making sense. My boys lack a good male rolemodel. My dad is not good enough for that. I think he has anger issues personally. He always loses his temper over anything and he has to be right all the time. I don't like the way my boys get manhandled when they don't behave. My mum smacks them and I don't like that at all. Sometimes she smacks them across the head. It really upsets me! My eldest son goes off on one when something doesn't go his way. He shouts and screams and throws things if there is something to hand and occasionally kicks out or scratches. I am starting to have problems getting him into school now! It is a good school and everyone there is really nice and he gets on well. I think he's happy there. Suddenly I can't get him throught the front gate. I don't know what to do. I want to leave my parents house more than anything but I feel trapped. It probably sounds daft cause I'm an adult and everything. It's complicated. I'm just so depressed about all this! When things didn't work out with my ex I came back here but what a big mistake that was! Maybe that's why I went back to him, I see him as some kind of doorway out of here. We are going away in my parents caravan in a few weeks (me, my boys and my parents) What fun that will be! I just need to go to a happy place now.
Please feel free to leave me advice comments or opinions or whatever. I could use some.
Thanks for listening x