Four Days Before Valentine's

So, I have finished writing this story that I have been working on for months and months now. I am confident that it is good and have sent the first three chapters off to a publishing agent. I am now waiting for their reply and hoping it is the one I want. I have been rejected enough times on another story that I know the chances are slim that the answer will be Yes, send the whole thing!
But I remain hopeful.
I strive for perfection in everything I do, which I guess makes me a bit of a freak. I feel confident that this story is as perfect as it's ever going to be, which is really saying something. It's no five minute read either and runs to near on 400 pages A4. So if the agent DOES ask for the whole thing it will cost me a small fortune in ink and paper to run off a copy. But it's a small price to pay for fullfilling an ambition.
It's called Run after the Snow Patrol song and I in fact feature the lyrics. It's supposed to be a kind of (what's the word?) testament to how good the song is. But if I do get published we may need permission from the music company to include the lyrics. I don't really know about that. Cause it's copyrighted material. You couldn't post a video on youtube of the song without permission, so surely the same applies to written word? I guess I'll find out.
The story starts out with this intense scene from a movie cause the main character is an actor. The idea behind this was to hook the reader in and peak some interest from the outset. But seen as dream sequences are frowned upon because it lulls the reader into a false sense that what is happening is real right up to the point the character wakes up, I hope this movie scene is not seen as the same thing. In one of the earlier versions of this story this scene was real cause the character was a criminal, but then things improved.
You know what the hardest part of writing is? Doing the synopsis. I swear it is. I've spent like years writing this bitch and then I have to sum it up well in a single page and I can't do it! But I have to, so I have. I just don't know if it's good. I hope the difference between a yes or no from the agent is not hinged too much on a good synopsis, cause it might not be a good one.
It's no use me whining about this work of art I have written really when you have no clue about it, but it makes me feel better. Lol.

You know what? I still like this guy from work. It's crazy. I've been a volunteer in this office for over a year now and I still feel the same about him as the day I first met him. It's killing me. I am single now and have been for a while. So is he. Mike is gorgeous and he makes it worth going to work. I have become a fixture in that place because I am so good and effecient at the scanning that I do they could not manage without me now. It's a good thing. It's nice to be helpful.
I would like something to happen between Mike and I but I don't hold out much hope. Doesn't stop me feeling the way I do about him though and dreaming. I hope at the very least that he is attracted to me, even if he's not interested in anything happening. Is it possible to feel both of those things?
Maybe I'm just crazy. I've learned to live with things the way they are though. I can handle it.
It's just nice to talk about it. I can't exactly talk to any of the girls at work about this because I don't want it to get around the office. I don't want to be gossiped about. Unless they have already picked up on something and are whispering things behind my back, but I doubt it. Nothing's happening, it's just me liking him.

July 2011

I'm depressed, but trying not to be. Have been job hunting for months and not had any luck yet, but I know I'm not alone with that. That is not the source of my saddness though. I refuse to go into another God I hate my parents, my dad is such an asshole! rant.

So let's talk about something else. That photo that I put on the end of my last post is stolen (shh!) from a website that sells lingerie, sex toys and porn. I like it and I found I was able to save it right from the webpage :)
On a different matter, I need money. I really need money. Yeah I know, who doesn't? I just wish it didn't slip through my fingers like powder. I have no way of making money. I will just have to do it the old fashioned way. IF I ever find employment that is! If I was better looking I might consider glamour modeling, but getting into that is just as hard as getting into anything.

I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying. Nobody cares about my ravings anyway. This is just a public diary and is meant to make me feel better. It doesn't always work.

Thanks for all the annonymous spam guys. And I really appreciate the messages in Greek that I have no clue what is being said, cause that is totally my first language! If it is not Greek, I have no idea what language it is or even what it says. But it's fascinating. If anyone has the ability feel free to leave me a comment in Japanese. That is such a beautiful language (in writing). Still would have no clue what it says though. All none illegal money making ideas also welcome. lol.

This is Poonam Jhawar. (Yes, I borrowed it from the web.) She's a Bollywood actress, if you don't know her. Isn't she beautiful? I like this cause her breasts look so sexy and you can see her nipples. Mmm...

Okay, I complain too much

So let me show you this nice photo I took in Israel last year.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, I'm now 30! OMG!
I had a nice day, but couldn't really do anything to celebrate properly because I have a broken foot right now. It is in a cast and has been for weeks. I get it off soon though.

I don't think I've mentioned this before but at the office where I volunteer there is a really cute guy!
This matters because I have not responded the way I did to him to a guy in a long time (I mean that I was very aware of his presence the first time he leaned over my desk behind me and continue to be distracted by his presence when he's there). He's pretty good looking, but alas, he has a girlfriend! (As I have a boyfriend) So it's a no brainer anyway.
My guy will be jealous when/if he reads this! lol
But whatever.

I have had my head in one of my stories for the last few weeks. It gives me focus while my foot recovers.
I want to write some more of it now...

But just one more photo before I go.
I'm a bit of a pervert. I like this one. Do you know where I got it from? Hmm...

Waffle, waffle, waffle......

I am feeling troubled by many things in my life.
I have regrets too. Who doesn't?

I'm still living with my parents. It's not as bad as it has been at times in the past, but I still hate being here. In some ways it has been a blessing, but I worry about the affect living with my parents has had on my sons. Especially compared to if we were still living with my boyfriend (the boys father). I left him because I got scared and paniced. What possessed me to come back to my parents? In some ways I don't think I'd have coped without their support, but in others it has been one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I also divorced him after moving here (we'd barely been married a year). I was hurting due to the seperation from him. My efforts to make the seperation permanent were to set in motion divorce proceedings straight away, to blank him at every effort by him to make contact and to sell my wedding ring. I don't know what else I may have done. Suffice to say it didn't work. I still loved him too much. Over time I started responding and we talked about things. I knew he didn't want to break up or divorce, but it was a done deal. We made up and let my parents know. The way they reacted you'd think I'd just told them I had killed police officer. Talk about over reacting! How could I be so stupid? I am such a drama queen! The best place for the boys is here with them. They would fight me for custody if I ever try to take them away. Yadda, yadda, yadda!
So again me and Jon parted, I think. Since then I have resorted to lying to my parents in order to spend time with him. It was the case that I was going to spend the weekend with 'Phil' in Ipswich. Since there had really been a Phil in Ipswich at one of the points me and him were not together, this worked a treat. Then he moved in with a girl. She and him had dated at one of the times me and him were not together. She offered to share her flat with him (it was way better than where he was living). He sleeps on her sofa. Not ideal, but he gets by. He says she does not want me at the flat. So we can no longer spend time together in Ipswich.
I am feeling pretty insecure lately and I have never felt insecure in a relationship before. He is poor, so does not always have credit on his phone. So there are long periods when I don't hear from him. This does not help. I am so scared of loosing him. I know he still feels the same way he always has done, and wants us to be together again. But I'm scared this could change and I'd loose him.
I feel stuck here. I want to be with him more than anything. Nobody (well, maybe a few of his mates) knows we are back together. I have the impression my parents would rather see me six feet under than back with him. I don't know why they have to be like that. He is not a bad person. He is kind and gentle and loving.
He slapped me once, but it didn't hurt or leave a mark. He just says he forgot himself for a second. He could never imagine doing the things to me that I was afraid of when I left him. I wondered if a light slap was how domestic violence begins. Was he going to start hitting me now? I got so scared. But I don't remember ever hearing him raise his voice and we've known each other ten years now. I could not picture him punching me. That was the reason I am where I am today. I miss him so much!
How could I have been so thoughtless? When I got scared logic went out the window. I was not thinking of anything much, least of all the future.  I forgot how bad being with my parents could be.
I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not left him then, but that is little comfort when I want to be back with him so much. I guess part of the craving for being back living together is that it seems so out of reach. He is waiting for me to swing back the other way and start doubting if I want to be with him again.
I don't pretend that it would be perfect, we'd likely still have the same (or similar) financial problems as before.

The guilt over the abortion I had still sits at the back of my mind, just waiting for me to think of it so I can feel the heavy burden weighing my heart down again. She (he) would be four now and in the first year of school. How do women live with themselves after having an abortion? How can it even be legal? It's murder by another name. I can't believe I ever agreed to do it. I decided to have it done because I felt that was my only choice at the time, but I never in my heart truely wanted to do it. When I told mum I was pregnant she started crying and said her life was ruined. I still fail to see her logic behind that thought. I knew I had to do it because it was what mum and dad wanted and expected, but I had to say that I wanted to do it. The decision had to be mine. The baby was only six weeks gone when I had it done, but I couldn't help think of it as a baby already. I remember sitting in the waiting room at the abortion clinic with mum. I was nervous and didn't want to do it. But I didn't say anything to anyone. I did what I thought I had to do.
I start fainting when I get pregnant, so I couldn't just have not told my parents, they'd have guessed.
When I got pregnant with my first born mum tried so hard to get me to have an abortion, but I never backed down. She talked me to tears many times over a drink in a supermarket cafe. She said she's force me to have one if she could because she thought it was for the best. Why did I cave in so easily that second time before it was even mentioned out loud? I feel like such a hypocrite. I am already a mother and then I go and do something like that. It wasn't even a rape conception. I wanted that baby. When I concieved we both knew what we were doing. It is so hard to live with the choice I made. I killed my baby. That's the long and short of it. I love babies and having them. The birth is a nightmare and so painful. When I had my second son I ended up just getting through on gas and air, bled all over the place. Thought it would never end, but he is amazing. It's worth it for the little life we make. The feeling of having a life growing inside you and feeling it moving around in your tummy is like nothing else in the world. Dispite all the discomforts and the drawbacks to pregnancy, it is the best feeling in the world. The only thing I have been sure of my whole life is that I wanted to have children. I have them now, but want more. Enough is never enough, I guess. When I got run down by a car when I was 13 I was comatose for two days. I have a recollection of being in the ambulance because I remember the paramedic talking to me. He asked me where it hurt. His voice was loud. Maybe he was shouting to be heard over the siren they must have been using. I replied that it hurt all over. He asked me if I could be more specific and I said my shoulder and my leg hurt. I was moaning and clutching my shoulder. I was upset that he had to cut my cardigan off because it was brand new. It's a strange thing to be upset about after being hit by a car! That is the only thing I can remember until I woke up in a hospital bed. It was night time and my dad was sitting next to the bed in a chair, asleep. At some point previous to waking up (I think) or perhaps to encourage my recovery I thought of having children. I told myself I have to survive this, so I can have children someday. I got glass in my face and still have scars around my eyes. I wonder if I was ever in danger of dying from that? Being hit by a car is pretty serious. The driver didn't even stop. If I got glass in my face the windscreen must have broken or cracked. Seems a bit hard to drive like that. You've just run down a thirteen year old schoolgirl, what's the next thing you do? Stop to see if you've killed her and panic like hell? You carry on driving, of course! After I came out of hospital I went down to the police station so they could ask me what I remembered? The answer? Let's see, I have suffered head trauma after he most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Do I remember what colour the car was and the number plate or do I have amnesia about that entire day? The police kept repeating the same question. What do you remember? Tell us anything you can remember? I guess they had very little to go on, but I am about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. However, I heard that the driver handed himself in. After a story about it appeared in the local paper maybe. I don't know. I was only 13.  I don't even know his name or anything. I guess he felt guilty afterall. From what I was told I walked out from behind the school bus as he was overtaking (the bus was stationary) I didn't see him coming and he didn't see me.

I have talked about many things and am going to go and try to think cheerful thoughts now.
x

I like this photo. Does that make me a pervert?

Explicit image below! Do not look at it if you are offended by topless women!

No, I am not in it (just in case you were wondering!)

I swiped it off the net someplace.I did a google image search and this was one of the results.

I won't tell you what I was searching for (you can come to your own conclusions!)

I like this photo, it's kinda hot. Thinking the chick on the left may have fake tits, or she is just very perky!

I have no idea what the words covering the photo are or where it came from. Google had it.

Can you please stop leaving spam comments in Greek?

I don't fucking read Greek, it's meaningless gibberish to me!

Oh man, I haven't been on here since forever!

Still at my parents, but I don't want to talk about that anymore.
I saw a relate councellor (don't know how to spell that word properly!) last week and going again tomorrow. It's to discuss everything in the hope that she can offer some useful advice and help me to resolve a few things.

Jon and I don't get to see each other hardly ever, but despite that we are in a pretty good place (relationship wise) right now. Under the circumstances. He is sharing a flat with the woman that he went out with after I left him. She likes him and still wants to get back together. That must have been her motivation for offering to flat share with him. He's not interested. He sleeps on her couch and she has the only bedroom. He says she pesters him to split with me and get back with her. But on the up side, living there is much better than the dump his brother calls home. I trust him, of course. If I didn't I'd loose my mind!
I'd like for us to give things another go properly, but it's not so simple. He lives in Ipswich and I in Norwich, which are miles apart for one thing. Our sons are settled in school here, good schools and their friends are here. I'm hesitant to look at pulling them away from that. But Jon's older son from his previous relationship is in his town, as is his job and all his relatives. It's an awkward situation.
Neither of us have a car. I can drive but he can't.
Not only that but my parents can't stand him (due to the previous turmoil in our relationship) and don't know we are on such good terms.
Me and him have forgiven and forgotten the past, but I don't think my parents are capable of that.

It's coming up to christmas and I'm struggling to buy presents for everyone without running up minor debts.
But I'll get there. I always get by somehow. God, I need a job! But there isn't many out there. I've been applying though, and getting turned down left, right and center. Now my kids are a little older and both in school I feel uselss, just sitting at home doing nothing.

I have sent off the first three chapters of a story of mine to a literary agent to see if they are interested. It's the first time I've ever pursued publishing any of my work. I'm hopeful, but know they could easily be not interested. I'll let you know what response I get.