So anyway........

I have not posted on here for a while. Things are okay with me. Still living at my parents, but it is a little more bareable at the moment. My dad seems to be keeping more of a lid on himself. He just practically lives at work at the moment. Perhaps that's his way of dealing with it. I am throwing myself into working on writing one of my stories and playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in my spare time. Perhaps as a distraction, I don't know.

It's close to christmas now and I feel so unprepared! I just need to get off my ass and start serious christmas shopping. I don't have presents for anybody but my boys yet! And time is running out.

I am getting on well with my ex. Still refer to him in that way, even though we are committed to each other at the moment. Perhaps it is just a demonstration of my uncertainty. (I should have done psychology, I am always trying to look for the meaning behind everything!) Been seeing each other every few weeks, well maybe more like every six weeks!

My boys are doing great though.

Don't know what else to say. Life is so complicated, ain't it?
x

Thanks, Mark. Your advice means a lot. It's nice to have some outside input, you know?

My life drives me crazy sometimes. I feel like I'm not always in control of my own destiny. I have unwillingly given over partial control to my parents and I don't know how to get it back! It's ridiculous really. I'm a fully grown woman, a parent and suddenly feeling so reliant on my parents. I hate it! My dad can be so controlling. That is my biggest problem. I am scared to stand up to him and say this is what I want so deal with it! Saying something like that with the right attitude is just not my style. I'm too shy and timid for that. Besides I'm intimidated by him and scared of him. But I want to get out of the house perminantly so badly! And not just for my sake, but my kids too. (I may be repeating myself a little here)

Perhaps the need to escape has something to do with my obsession with America. I feel reluctant to admit it in this way, but I have strong urges to visit New York City. I have felt this way for a long time and feel too restricted by my finances and personal situation to act on it. By a long time I mean years. I feel like the United States is where I truely belong and have felt that way for as long as I can recall. But at the same time I feel crazy for feeling that way. It can't be normal. I know I'm not alone though. Many people around the world still see the US as the great land of opportunity. When in reality it is just another country with it's own set of problems, just like every other place in the world. But I will certainly go there one day. Even if it just for a short holiday. What am I talking about, that's all I can go there for anyway. I have nothing to offer her. I can only be a tourist. That is better than nothing though. I am so heartsick over it. I feel homesick for America, honestly. That's crazy right? Maybe I'm ready for the men in white coats.
Oh look! Here they come now! lol

Catch ya later x

Thanks, Daemon fairy. My boyfriend does not have the same anger issues, but there is a host of issues all of our own. For starters my parents don't even like him! So it is difficult for us to be together. And I have intimacy issues with him. I love sex and everything, but I just never want to do it with him. We do fine together now though apart from the fact I never want to do it with him. I'll be fine. I am really tired today. I can't write more right now, too tired. I'm just drained. I want more than anything to be happy and for my sons to be happy. My parents think that my kids are better off here with them because I am not a fit mother alone. They have not said so much in those words but have managed to imply that. It does wonders for my already low confidence in my parenting skills. I said to my parents a while back that I was seriously considering moving out. I had been bidding on council properties on the housing list. My parents didn't like the idea they don't think I'm ready. It is good having them around because they help care for my sons, but the trade off is putting up with the abuse. I want to seek outside help but I don't think there is anyone I can go to about this. Nobody cares that much.

Mmmm so what's new?

God sometimes I hate my life! Perhaps I'm just being too harsh. It's a beautiful day and I should be happy. I am worried about stuff. So worried. My eldest son is moody and a real problem. He is difficult and he's only six! I'm worried about where his problems stem from. I live with my parents and my two small sons. When I moved out before I had my kids I was SO depressed. I think the deep depression was a side effect of living with my parents. I couldn't wait to get out. I feel like I'm being nasty though because they are my parents after all. And now I'm back here again! Only this time I have my babies in tow! I have been worried for them for months. My dad can be scary. He shouts a lot and is very forceful about stuff. I'm scared of him! But I'm stuck here. This house is not a healthy environment for my children. Too much stress and anger and shouting goes on. If we (the adults) let our anger get the better of ourselves how are we going to teach my sons to take it easy? Perhaps none of this is making sense. My boys lack a good male rolemodel. My dad is not good enough for that. I think he has anger issues personally. He always loses his temper over anything and he has to be right all the time. I don't like the way my boys get manhandled when they don't behave. My mum smacks them and I don't like that at all. Sometimes she smacks them across the head. It really upsets me! My eldest son goes off on one when something doesn't go his way. He shouts and screams and throws things if there is something to hand and occasionally kicks out or scratches. I am starting to have problems getting him into school now! It is a good school and everyone there is really nice and he gets on well. I think he's happy there. Suddenly I can't get him throught the front gate. I don't know what to do. I want to leave my parents house more than anything but I feel trapped. It probably sounds daft cause I'm an adult and everything. It's complicated. I'm just so depressed about all this! When things didn't work out with my ex I came back here but what a big mistake that was! Maybe that's why I went back to him, I see him as some kind of doorway out of here. We are going away in my parents caravan in a few weeks (me, my boys and my parents) What fun that will be! I just need to go to a happy place now.
Please feel free to leave me advice comments or opinions or whatever. I could use some.
Thanks for listening x

The Great Unknown

I feel like there is something missing in my life. I have no idea what. I have just had this strange sense lately that there is some great void in my life. It leaves me feeling empty and sad. I eat chocolate and yet this does not ease the emptiness (strange that!)

I guess it will become clear at some point. Maybe I am just missing somebody. The universe has plans, I am certain. I hope it makes it's self known pretty soon. My waist is expanding by the hour and I don't like it!

I sit in my bedroom of an evening and feel empty and lost. My magazines and books do not fill the void. I am not in the mood for anything, but don't want to just sit feeling empty and sad. Perhaps there is just something amiss in my bedroom. A little feng shui mishap, or something.

Love to you all (whoever may read this!)
xxx

Me and my ex

Not much to report, even after months of no posts!

I have much personal stuff I can discuss though.

I am back with my ex. I love him deeply and can't believe we screwed up our relationship so badly before. The big issue is that my parents can't stand him and his parents don't think much of me either come to think of it. We have a long on/off history which I won't go into right now. But we know we want to be together and not revisit our past mistakes. We even have two children together. I have been living with my parents for at least three years now and my boys are aged four and six years. My parents have taken quite an involved role in bringing up my kids alongside me, so they feel like parents to my sons too. I mentioned to them that I am thinking about looking to move out and they would feel the loss. I don't have time to write as long a post as I'd like to right now, but I'll be back. I just don't know how we are going to move in together again in the future under the current circumstances.

I will expand on the above in a few days or whenever I can.

Failure Is Not An Option

I was right about why I failed the medical. I got a letter from the force doctor confirming what I thought, later that same week. I can wait two years and apply again. Providing that I have no need to receive anti depressants or depression related counciling at any time during the next couple of years. I will certainly do that. I intend to apply again in the future, assuming that my feeling about joining up remain the same. I just hope conditions in the force have improved a little by then. Lol. But I won't hold out any great hopes.

My Interview

Thanks for your support guys. It means a lot. But I have some bad news. I got a phone call from my local police station yesterday afternoon, a few hours before I was due to sit the interview. She told me that they'd been notified that I failed my medical, so they can't proceed with the interview. I was disappointed to say the least. I have a suspicion that I failed due to my history of depression. I am waiting on some kind of confirmation from occupational health about why I failed. I hope I'm not waiting in vain. I was under the impression that I passed all the tests at the medical. The doctor wanted to get a statement from my doctor about my history of depression. The woman I spoke to on the phone yesterday suggested that I wait six months and try again if I want to re apply. I will certainly do that. I am not put off by any means. I'm just sad that I failed due to my past. Assuming I am right about why I failed, of course!
I'm still determined to get into that job though. I'll just give it time and try again.

Today

It's friday again. I have an interview this coming tuesday to get into the force as a special. I can't believe how long this is taking. The first interview I blew cause my nerves got the better of me and I couldn't function. Another one was set up cause I got lucky and have not blown my chances completely. But I got sick and was too ill to attend, so it was rearranged again. I hope I will make it this time. I know I can do it. At least in my minds eye I see myself sitting through the interview and being fine and passing it. IRL is a different matter though. I was just a little intimidated having to sit with two uniformed officers. Not only that but high ranking ones too! Ever since I can remember I have felt a little scared/intimidated by police in uniform. I am not so much so now than I was as a kid. Which is good. I never had good reason for those feelings either. I have never been in trouble with the police or anything. And strangely I have always wanted to be one also. So here I go. I'm trying to become one. My mum thinks I am not cut out for this job though and said she hopes I don't get in. That does wonders for my feelings, as you can imagine. But I'm not going to give up on this for any reason like that. If I make it, I make it. If they say I'm not right for it, that's fine too. I'll move on and look in a different direction. Mum could be right, but there is only one way to find out for sure. I belive I can handle the job and I am perfectly capable of doing it. I just need to make the interview. I'm going to try to keep my nerves in check this time. I will be fine. I will get back to you after the interview.