Do I have to give it a title?

Anon: Whatever! Talk to the hand, baby. I ain't listening no more!

So, I have a viewing for a council house on Wednesday. I am third in line for it. If it's good and neither of the other two have taken it it might look good. My dad is pissed about it though. Last time we talked about that kind of thing I said I'd tell them (I can't remember what exactly). I forgot to. My mind is in such a muddle. Maybe I ought to be blonde! You know? Sometimes it's that bad. (I am a natural brunette)
But he's got me worrying. Things should not be this way! I should be living with my sons like normal people do and we should be doing great. Instead we are living with my parents. Maybe anyone else would be happy with things as they are, but I'm not. My parents have taken upon themselves maybe 50% of the parenting responsibility of my kids. We have got used to the way things are now and cause it's my parents I don't know how to get it back. They verbally beat me down as a kid. I am a lesser person than them and their opinions should not be taken lightly. I don't want to screw my kids lives up, but sometimes worry that I am doing just that. I was miserable all my teen years due to cohabiting with my parents. I sank into deep depression. I moved on to have an average relationship with my boys father and came back to my parents when things didn't work out with him. I did it cause that is what I needed at that time, but I quickly begun to regret it. I soon remembered how miserable living with them had been for me. I hate it that I have dragged my kids into the same home. I don't know how to deal with any of this stuff!
Four years later we're still here. My dad tried to make me feel bad by talking like we are going to die, rather than move a few streets away! It will be a great shock for my parents and feel like when their dog died, aparently. They might even move into a small house if it's just the two of them. On the one hand I don't care. On the other it has me insecure. What if I can't cope with my sons on our own? When they misbehave they don't listen to me because my parents are more severe with them. Therefore have gained a certain amount of compliance through fear. I don't agree with that. What if I can't cope financially? What if our life turns to hell? Dad thinks my boys will be upset at being seperated from them. We've been here for years now. But it should never have got to this stage in the first place! That we are so dependant on my folks. I am I just being very independant minded or just stubourn and stupid? I am still depressed to a certain degree. Stopped taking my meds a couple of months ago cause I don't like being dependant on drugs and I hate how anti d's make you feel. I can feel the depression kicking in again this week though. Funnily enough only after my dad has spoken with me. I'm insecure. Too insecure and unconfident. I often (back in my teens) used to wish I'd died when I got hit by that car. And somedays I find those thoughts creeping back in. Even though I have kids now. At the time of the accident I survived due to the willpower to live. I wanted to live to have kids one day. Now I sometimes wonder if they would have been better off not being born to me. Am I just screwing them up? My biggest insecurities are about motherhood. I'm sure any parent could relate to that. I don't mean to sound selfish if that's how some of this comes across. My kids are brilliant and I love them dearly. I wish for them to grow up into good, well balanced, secure young men. I don't ever want them to feel messed up and unsure like I do. Especially due to anything I have done, or not done.

I don't know if I've mentioned being hit by a car anywhere on my blog previously. It happened when I was 13 years old and I can't remember a thing about it. I was waiting for the school bus wearing my new black cardigan because I loved it so much. I have put together a picture of what happened from what other people said. (I asked about it, cause I needed to know) The bus came and we all got on. Now the driver was friendly with some kids who always sat up front (I wasn't one of them). That morning one of these kids was not present and she lived just across the road from where the bus picked us up. He asked if someone would go and knock on her door. (She could have just been late) They said no. (The guilt they must have felt afterwards!) It fell to me and being the good natured soul I am I said I'd go. I think I checked behind the bus first cause I'd do that before trying to cross. A car coming from behind the bus ran me down as I crossed and it didn't even stop at the scene. I think it was red (I don't know where that came from but it's what I have in my mind right at this moment, that the car was red) I got glass in my face around my eye from the windscreen and a fucking great lump on my right thigh (where the impact was) I think I was told later that I got thrown completely over the car. It happened on a Friday morning and I was comatose all weekend. I have a vague recollection of a moment in the ambulance where the paramedic asked me to tell him where it hurt. I replied all over (or maybe 'everywhere' I'm not sure) He asked me to be more specific and I said my shoulder hurt. I was distressed cause he had to cut off my clothes. (My new cardigan! I was most upset that it got cut up) I'd just got run over and I was more worried about my clothes! I know. Remember I was only 13. My legs were incredibly weak for a long time after I came home from hospital. I'm fine now though. No lasting damage really. Unless you count the bang on the head. I was not checked for brain damage according to my mum because 'I came back to them as the same person I had been before' It could  have messed up my brain a little and nobody would have a clue. I'd rather have been assessed for damage thanks!

I'm just insecure and unconfidant and wonder what the point of being here is. I ought to go back to the doctor and have a chat really. He doesn't know I've stopped taking the medication. He does know I don't like taking it though. I just wish there was a better way! I'm depressed. Oh here take these pills! It doesn't help! It makes me feel tired and drowsy all the time and well, like I'm drugged. Funny how that works.
Anyway it's Monday night at Flash Forward is about to start. Gotta go!
x