Failure Is Not An Option

I was right about why I failed the medical. I got a letter from the force doctor confirming what I thought, later that same week. I can wait two years and apply again. Providing that I have no need to receive anti depressants or depression related counciling at any time during the next couple of years. I will certainly do that. I intend to apply again in the future, assuming that my feeling about joining up remain the same. I just hope conditions in the force have improved a little by then. Lol. But I won't hold out any great hopes.

My Interview

Thanks for your support guys. It means a lot. But I have some bad news. I got a phone call from my local police station yesterday afternoon, a few hours before I was due to sit the interview. She told me that they'd been notified that I failed my medical, so they can't proceed with the interview. I was disappointed to say the least. I have a suspicion that I failed due to my history of depression. I am waiting on some kind of confirmation from occupational health about why I failed. I hope I'm not waiting in vain. I was under the impression that I passed all the tests at the medical. The doctor wanted to get a statement from my doctor about my history of depression. The woman I spoke to on the phone yesterday suggested that I wait six months and try again if I want to re apply. I will certainly do that. I am not put off by any means. I'm just sad that I failed due to my past. Assuming I am right about why I failed, of course!
I'm still determined to get into that job though. I'll just give it time and try again.

Today

It's friday again. I have an interview this coming tuesday to get into the force as a special. I can't believe how long this is taking. The first interview I blew cause my nerves got the better of me and I couldn't function. Another one was set up cause I got lucky and have not blown my chances completely. But I got sick and was too ill to attend, so it was rearranged again. I hope I will make it this time. I know I can do it. At least in my minds eye I see myself sitting through the interview and being fine and passing it. IRL is a different matter though. I was just a little intimidated having to sit with two uniformed officers. Not only that but high ranking ones too! Ever since I can remember I have felt a little scared/intimidated by police in uniform. I am not so much so now than I was as a kid. Which is good. I never had good reason for those feelings either. I have never been in trouble with the police or anything. And strangely I have always wanted to be one also. So here I go. I'm trying to become one. My mum thinks I am not cut out for this job though and said she hopes I don't get in. That does wonders for my feelings, as you can imagine. But I'm not going to give up on this for any reason like that. If I make it, I make it. If they say I'm not right for it, that's fine too. I'll move on and look in a different direction. Mum could be right, but there is only one way to find out for sure. I belive I can handle the job and I am perfectly capable of doing it. I just need to make the interview. I'm going to try to keep my nerves in check this time. I will be fine. I will get back to you after the interview.

It's official, I have anger problems!

Okay, something happened this morning and it has left me boiling with fury, like a frothing kettle. There is this woman whose head I would LOVE to cave in! Seriously!
Let me start at the beginning...........
I went into my local shop with my three year old son after collecting him from preschool. I was getting stamps and something tasty for him. I went to the counter to ask for some stamps and told him to go and pick something. He brought a little chocolate bar up and placed it on the counter. The cashier told him to put it back, thinking he wasn't allowed anything and he did. I didn't say anything for a moment as I was stunned by this. When he was over by the sweeties after returning the bar I told him it was okay and to get something. So he brought a different thing up to the till and began to cry. I hugged him and began to feel angry at the woman. I went back to the sweetie display to get the thing he had chosen first and he followed me to say that he wanted his second choice, still crying. So I bought the box of candy stick he picked second and my stamps and left. All the way home I was boiling with fury. I wanted to go back in that shop and shout at her, call her insulting names and kick up a fuss. Maybe even punch her. I had the urge to vandalise parked cars that my sons and I walked past on the way home, just to vent my fury. But I held it in. I definately have anger issues! Some of you might say I don't cause I have the strength to hold it in and not act on my anger. But what happens when the day comes and something happens where I can no longer contain it and lash out? Where will I be then?
Don't answer that. I can imagine where I'd be. It concerns me that something so trivial can get me so worked up. I guess everyone has theri triggers. In fact, I am still a little bit pissed off right now. But I will cool down soon enought I guess. Just so long as I don't go back in that shop later, when I collect my older son from school.......

I'm still here!

I have no idea if anyone has even been reading my posts. I have been pretty busy the last couple of months and don't have much to report really. I passed the interview stage of my specials application. I have a medical in a couple of weeks and should hear about the training course, due to begin sometime in february.

I have spent my spare time plugging away at my story. And I'm not sure that I have written anything of much worth. I want my stories to be really good. And I want people to read them and think 'wow, yeah that's excellant!' But until I can read them without noticing the faults and inconsistencies I am too nervous to show them to anybody else. Should anyone even care enough to read them and give me their opinions! I am scared of failure. My stories are very personal to me and mean a lot. (As you can probably tell!) I'd love to get something published one day, but am such a perfectionist when it comes to my writing! And I probably need to be, especially if I am attempting to become some kind of proffesional writer. Writing good stories is actually very challenging and difficult. I guess that's part of the appeal for me. And besides, if it were that easy everybody would be doing it!

I didn't mean to spend so long rambling on about my writing. And I realise that I sound very appologetic in my discussion back there.

I'll see you again soon. (I hope!)

What is the world coming to?

I haven't posted on here for weeks. I've been pretty busy with things.

I have had an interview for becoming a special. And I dutifully fecked it up. I was way more nervous than anticipated and my brain refused to be quick off the mark when responding to the questions. The good news is that I made a good enough impression with my confidence and stuff that the chief inspectors will see me again. I get a second shot at the interview, yay! I just hope I do better this time. I know I can do it. If I fuck it up for myself I will kick my own ass. My interview is in a couple of weeks.

There is a lot of crap going on in the country at the moment. Makes me think I must be crazy to want to get into the police, in light of such an agressive society. I don't really want to comment on the state of things. Prison officers going on strike over their pay, gun crime worse than it ever was in New York City, dad's taken out for defending their families and homes, etc, etc.
I think we are heading for a new civil war or something! Can you tell me we're not?
Nobody trusts the govenment (if we ever did), nobody gets fair pay except the MP's themselves. We are killing ourselves here and there is not a damn thing anybody is doing about it!

I think the world its self is on some sort of self destruct cycle now. We've kicked the planets butt so much it is waving the white flag in surrender. Hence the fucked up weather and confussed wildlife (sharks in british waters, etc). Global warming is taking control of things. The sea levels will dutifully rise away and the polar ice caps are beginning to melt into oblivian already. Before you know it we will have killed ourselves or have vanished under a scortching water planet.

Did I say I didn't want to talk about the state of the world today? I guess I do.

x

World Trade Center Rebuild

If any of you are interested enough or care enough to contribute your opinions to this, please check out this link.

http://www.petitiononline.com/wtc911/petition.html

The above is a petition to rebuild twin towers, similar to how they were before. And not to build the Freedom tower as new york is planning to. Do a google search for WTC rebuild or similar words to that and you will be able to read up sites telling you what is going on with that. I care about this and have voted on this petition. I think that New York needs another pair of beautiful skyscraping towers. And not what they are planning. The plans are beautiful, but not good enough quite frankly. Anyway, that's all. Thanks for looking folks.