I didn't know I could ever feel like this. I have no idea why I feel so depressed. It is so deep I think it needs a whole new word to describe it. All the songs and movie quotes about depression rolled together can't pin down this feeling.
It's not that I am questioning the entire point of my existence, which I am, but it's just everything. It's more than just me. Our entire world has no purpose. We are a plague upon the earth, infesting it, bleeding it dry of all natural resources and slowly killing it after over populating it. That's what is happening. China has population control in place because they need it, but sometimes I think we all could benefit from such controls and so too could the poor planet. Says me, who has two unplanned kids and loves growing them so much I'd gladly have more. It's such a contradiction.
It seems to be in built (in some of us at least) the overwhelming desire to make more of ourselves. Some people don't feel this so powerfully until later in life, if ever, but it is always there.
The world is full of so many problems that will never be overcome. No matter how hard we try. For my entire lifetime (all of 36 years at the time of writing) there have been starving children in Africa and probably long before I was born. Despite the millions in aid that have allegedly been poured into the country those children will still be starving in the same conditions long into the future. Not the same children obviously, but the problem remains. Despite this the struggling people of Africa continue to breed and fight hard to make the best they can of the life they have, probably in the knowledge it will always be like that, but hoping the future will be brighter for their ancestors some day.
Hope. That word has a lot to answer for. It is sometimes all we have to hang onto. Even then it is sometimes not enough. I mean sure why do we give a damn about the struggles of people in Africa? Or the asylum seekers and refugees that plague Europe at the moment, all making a beeline for the UK come to that? Because it is human nature to care about each other and want to help make each others lives better. Apart from those evil who exist among us only out for what they can get and don't give a damn about the rest of us. They shouldn't be breathing our air, but here we are anyway. Looking at it from an outside perspective the solution is very inhumane. Kill. End lives. But there is too much of that going on too.
Every week in the news there is some new story about a mass killing somewhere and it never ends. Just like the eternal gun law debate in America. Nothing there will ever change because the people in power who could fix (or attempt to) the problems either will never agree amongst themselves on new or changed laws and bring said laws into effect or are just too damn scared about what would be said to do anything about what's happening. That's the burden of democracy. In order for anything meaningful to happen enough people must agree on the action to take and they never do. So in lew of any alterations the deaths continue to roll on. Arguably even if laws or rules were altered it might not affect the mass killings, but at least action would have been taken to try and fix things instead of continually arguing about things and not doing a damn thing that matters. There will always be death.
So that brings me back to my life. I feel like there is no purpose in me being here and often wonder why I am still here? Now I have two children who need me, a infant nephew and a sister who is getting married next year. Non of whom I wish to burden with the lifelong scars of my suicide and I am not at that point yet anyway. But I worry that day will come. The day when I reach the edge of the metaphorical cliff and see only darkness behind me, the long drop stretching out ahead, calling to me. Go ahead Claire, jump. It's time.
To cap it all of the benefit I am currently in receipt of, well I am no longer eligible after my last review apparently. Fun times ahead then. Time to start hunting for work again. That pointless task. Hours put into the applications and nothing back in return. There is little point in it. Nobody wants to employ me it seems. I have a good CV and am a hard and dedicated worker. Who knows why I have no luck. Ugh, I hate being so negative. Time for therapy; which consists of chocolate and distracting video games.
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