Thanks, Daemon fairy. My boyfriend does not have the same anger issues, but there is a host of issues all of our own. For starters my parents don't even like him! So it is difficult for us to be together. And I have intimacy issues with him. I love sex and everything, but I just never want to do it with him. We do fine together now though apart from the fact I never want to do it with him. I'll be fine. I am really tired today. I can't write more right now, too tired. I'm just drained. I want more than anything to be happy and for my sons to be happy. My parents think that my kids are better off here with them because I am not a fit mother alone. They have not said so much in those words but have managed to imply that. It does wonders for my already low confidence in my parenting skills. I said to my parents a while back that I was seriously considering moving out. I had been bidding on council properties on the housing list. My parents didn't like the idea they don't think I'm ready. It is good having them around because they help care for my sons, but the trade off is putting up with the abuse. I want to seek outside help but I don't think there is anyone I can go to about this. Nobody cares that much.

Mmmm so what's new?

God sometimes I hate my life! Perhaps I'm just being too harsh. It's a beautiful day and I should be happy. I am worried about stuff. So worried. My eldest son is moody and a real problem. He is difficult and he's only six! I'm worried about where his problems stem from. I live with my parents and my two small sons. When I moved out before I had my kids I was SO depressed. I think the deep depression was a side effect of living with my parents. I couldn't wait to get out. I feel like I'm being nasty though because they are my parents after all. And now I'm back here again! Only this time I have my babies in tow! I have been worried for them for months. My dad can be scary. He shouts a lot and is very forceful about stuff. I'm scared of him! But I'm stuck here. This house is not a healthy environment for my children. Too much stress and anger and shouting goes on. If we (the adults) let our anger get the better of ourselves how are we going to teach my sons to take it easy? Perhaps none of this is making sense. My boys lack a good male rolemodel. My dad is not good enough for that. I think he has anger issues personally. He always loses his temper over anything and he has to be right all the time. I don't like the way my boys get manhandled when they don't behave. My mum smacks them and I don't like that at all. Sometimes she smacks them across the head. It really upsets me! My eldest son goes off on one when something doesn't go his way. He shouts and screams and throws things if there is something to hand and occasionally kicks out or scratches. I am starting to have problems getting him into school now! It is a good school and everyone there is really nice and he gets on well. I think he's happy there. Suddenly I can't get him throught the front gate. I don't know what to do. I want to leave my parents house more than anything but I feel trapped. It probably sounds daft cause I'm an adult and everything. It's complicated. I'm just so depressed about all this! When things didn't work out with my ex I came back here but what a big mistake that was! Maybe that's why I went back to him, I see him as some kind of doorway out of here. We are going away in my parents caravan in a few weeks (me, my boys and my parents) What fun that will be! I just need to go to a happy place now.
Please feel free to leave me advice comments or opinions or whatever. I could use some.
Thanks for listening x