Oh man, I haven't been on here since forever!

Still at my parents, but I don't want to talk about that anymore.
I saw a relate councellor (don't know how to spell that word properly!) last week and going again tomorrow. It's to discuss everything in the hope that she can offer some useful advice and help me to resolve a few things.

Jon and I don't get to see each other hardly ever, but despite that we are in a pretty good place (relationship wise) right now. Under the circumstances. He is sharing a flat with the woman that he went out with after I left him. She likes him and still wants to get back together. That must have been her motivation for offering to flat share with him. He's not interested. He sleeps on her couch and she has the only bedroom. He says she pesters him to split with me and get back with her. But on the up side, living there is much better than the dump his brother calls home. I trust him, of course. If I didn't I'd loose my mind!
I'd like for us to give things another go properly, but it's not so simple. He lives in Ipswich and I in Norwich, which are miles apart for one thing. Our sons are settled in school here, good schools and their friends are here. I'm hesitant to look at pulling them away from that. But Jon's older son from his previous relationship is in his town, as is his job and all his relatives. It's an awkward situation.
Neither of us have a car. I can drive but he can't.
Not only that but my parents can't stand him (due to the previous turmoil in our relationship) and don't know we are on such good terms.
Me and him have forgiven and forgotten the past, but I don't think my parents are capable of that.

It's coming up to christmas and I'm struggling to buy presents for everyone without running up minor debts.
But I'll get there. I always get by somehow. God, I need a job! But there isn't many out there. I've been applying though, and getting turned down left, right and center. Now my kids are a little older and both in school I feel uselss, just sitting at home doing nothing.

I have sent off the first three chapters of a story of mine to a literary agent to see if they are interested. It's the first time I've ever pursued publishing any of my work. I'm hopeful, but know they could easily be not interested. I'll let you know what response I get.

It's my birthday today!

March fifteenth and I'm 29 years old. Yay!
It's not fair, my birthday should not be this stressful.
I like being with Three for my phone contract. My latest one expired last week and I don't want to get an upgrade, I just want to start over with a new contract. In january I wrote a letter to Three asking them to terminate my contract when it came to the end of the term. I got a phone call from an agent confirming reciept of my letter. But she did not tell me weather she was going to terminate my contract, she tried to sell me an upgrade. I said I wasn't ready to look at that yet and didn't want to. She didn't care. She insisted that I look at the deals available so that she could ring me back the next day and discuss. I agreed to that just to get rid of her and then refused to answer when she rang me for the next few days.
A week ago on sunday I went online and ordered a new phone/contract through the company's website. Only I never got any email confirmations or letter about any of it and the phone was not delivered on the day the website said it would be. I went into the Three store to try and sort this out and things just got worse.
I found out that I have to give thirty days notice BY PHONE to end my contract. I wish she'd have f'ing told me that before!
A saleman in the store phoned up the company on his phone and we tried to fix things.
The phone I ordered online was pending or something and I got that sorted, kind of.
When I spoke to customer services to try and arrange the contract termination she said she could give me a good upgrade deal and insisted I let her tell me the options. She cleverly worded things so that I'd agree on a new deal, which I stupidly did without fully realising what I was doing. At the end when I remembered about the other phone, the one I wanted and I tried to ask her about it she got confused and rambled on about something else. Then said is there anything else I can help you with?
Yes, you can roll up and die, cause I f'ing hate your stupid ass! But I didn't say that.
So now I have two deals. The phone I want that I ordered online. This is apparently on hold and won't be dispatched. And the upgrade she sold me that I don't really want. Which is being delivered tomorrow.
I phoned up to try and cancel the phone that's coming tomorrow and was told I can't. I have to refuse the delivery and then ring back to try and sort out closing my account for the contract which expired last week, but has now been renewed and upgraded.
If I wasn't looking at paying money I wouldn't ring that bitch up again for a million bucks!
I am left SO angry, frustrated, furious and upset. I'd like to reach down the phone and throttle that stupid saleswoman. She doesn't give a damn about what I want at all! She doesn't care that I don't want whatever good deal she can sell me.
Back in january she said, but I can give you a very good deal that you won't get in store or online.
I though yes, but I'm not ready to think about a new contract yet and don't want to look.
Maybe I don't want a good deal. I'm actually happy with an okay deal that I can get from online.
She can go fuck herself. I really wanted to shout at her and ruin her day, like she's ruined mine.
I don't know how I could be so calm and polite when inside I was just burning with fury.
So now things are even more messed up than they were yesterday. It leads me to ask myself is it really worth all the hastle?
I like the security of a contract. That's why I go for them instead of pay as you go. When my contract comes to the end of it's term I like to get a new one, with a new phone, instead of upgrading.
It just should not be this stressful. It's not fair that I have to deal with this on my fucking birthday!
I chose to go into town today cause I stupidly thought the absent new phone I asked for could be easily sorted out. How could I think a simple thing like chasing down a hung up online order could be far from complicated?
If I have to speak to that woman again I don't know if I can bite my tongue. I almost hope that I do get to speak to her and after she sorts out my issue, I can recall how angry she made me feel and just give her a piece of my mind. I haven't felt this furious in as long as I can remember. I want to ruin her day and make her feel bad cause it would feel good. Revenge is sweet!
I've just been calling her any derrogitory name you can think of this morning and then I tried  not to think about it anymore so I wouldn't be stressed all afternoon.

So it's my birthday and that is the thing that matters/bothers me the most today. Isn't that sad?

Bras and Stuff

I have been having a bra nightmare. The two that I brought six to twelve months ago (I can't remember how long I've had them now) don't fir properly. Since I was ill last October (spent several weeks in bed) I have not worn a bra. Didn't wear one while I was laid up in bed and when I recovered just found them too uncomfortable. The end result is unpleasant droppyness. I bit the bullet and got fitted on saturday (in John Lewis). I don't recommend them. The bra I was fitted with felt tight, but I didn't say anything cause it's ment to be tight, but after a few hours of wear it left red marks under my breasts across the front of my chest. The shop won't refund either cause the bra now looks worn. Spent time crying about it. I hate bras so much. I really wish I didn't have to wear one at all! Got fitted in M&S today and they are much better. Was fitted with a completely different size to the fitting in John Lewis. Felt more comfortable, but they don't have the size I need in the colour I'd prefer. It's such a new bra I can't even order the one I want yet. So again I'm braless! Probably not a pleasant though, sorry.
That's all that's bugging me right now really.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU LOT STOP SPAMMING ME? I DON'T WANT TO ADVERTISE ANY OF YOUR SHIT!
Thank you x

Sex and Relationships

I've discovered the difference between love and sex. Not such a big breakthrough perhaps. There is this guy that I know. To say we're dating would be stretching the truth cause he's not reliable enough to actually go through with a date. He wants me. If I did him (for me) it would just be plain sex, no emotional involvement. I don't love him or anything, but we have brilliant chemistry. That's why I can't do it with him though. As a woman, I need that emotional bond before I can jump into bed with a guy. Doing it with love feels so much better. I don't know how much sense this makes, but it feels good to put pen to paper (so to speak) with it. This guy is someone I have had a relationship with in the past. He still wants me, I guess.

I feel disconnected from people. I don't let anyone into my head very often. It's a defensive tactic to prevent myself getting hurt. I try not to share with my parents if I can help it. Mum's feedback about anything always tends to feel like criticism. Now I can take criticism, but not all the time over everything. I also feel like she treats me like I'm stupid. Outside my family I have little contact with anyone. I find myself avoiding conversation with other mums and dads at school if I can help it because the idea of talking with them scares me.I would have to think of things to say, whilst trying to not appear rude and do the normal things people do when they converse. I don't know what's up with me. Strangely I feel closest to Jon (my ex) He is still my best friend in many ways. I know I love him (and he always claims to love me) but I am doubtful we can have a proper relationship. I can't/don't want to have sex with him anymore and he does with me. It is a very important part of a relationship for him. He could not be with me again if that was not part of the relationship. (I know this cause we have talked about it in the past and he said as much.

What hope is there for me? Stuck with my sons at my parents house and no man to love completely. I'm not one of those women who need a man to make her feel complete. But I crave that social norm. To be settled down in a nice house with a nice man and with children (I already have those but would also like more) and just being happy with everything. I should be happy with what I've got and I am, but it's not enough. I don't want this life. I want to live in the USA and to be an american and to be married to an American guy. THAT is my hope deep down, what I want out of life. But I don't have a chance in hell of that really. I don't know what my obsession with the united states is about, but it's always there. Perhaps I was an american in a past life or something and the memories of that are so joyful or whatever that they have been imprinted on my soul and the love for that country has been carried over into this life. Who knows? Maybe god does.

Christmas is coming...........

Hey there. I have not kept my blog for a while, just been busy with everything else. Still at my parents house. Am in gold band on the housing list but generally come second or third for the properties that I'm interested in and of course the people ahead of me take them. Sometimes I wish life was simpler.
I don't really have any money and it's all my own fault, but I don't want to go into that. It'll be okay.

I'm still wierd when it comes to talking to people. The other day my sister came over with her boyfriend. He's lovely and always great with my sons. But I failed miserably when he said hello to me. I smiled and nothing more. He probably didn't even see me smile. Then I felt embarrassed because he'd think I'm rude or ignoring him. I didn't know how to deal with the situation after that. He's my sister's bloke and a nice guy and I don't want him to think I'm strange or don't like him. I am terrible like that regularly. I fail to even manage a normal greeting or don't get into conversation or anything with him.

I wonder what the point of life is. I think I'm getting depressed. I don't want that to happen! Maybe it's just the time of year. Many people get depressed at christmas. I am estranged from life right now.

I have tried to begin a new story but I feel a bit lost with it. I think that reflects my mindset at the moment, a bit lost. Writing is easy and the thing I love doing most in the world. But it's also hard. Anyone can invent a story, but only some can invent a GOOD story. So far what I've written sounds kind of promising. But it's aimless. My last project had an idea at the heart of it and that idea was the momentum that kept it going. This one is just a vague beginning and so far it lacks the driving idea to push it along. I just started it because I feel the need to create (kind of like vampires feel the need to drink blood)

I still hate my parents. (So what else is new?) I think I hate them because my biggest fear is turning into a bastard like my father. But it's no doubt in the blood. I will be just as he is. Also the influence he has on my sons will one day (maybe) turn them into bastards like him too. I don't want that to happen either. But whatever will be will be. I try not to worry about what I can't change, but it's in my nature.

I dream about my future. Sometimes I wonder if the future is set or if it changes with people minds. If something is decided and then someone changes their mind, that decided thing is wrong. But perhaps the person was always ment to change their mind, so the first future was never going to be true. Make any sense at all? Anyway, I know I dream of my future because periodically I have a vague sense of deja vu. The cause is a dream I had ages ago. It happens every now and then and I've kinda got used to it now. Something really bizarre for you right.

When my parents first moved into their current house I noticed how there is a small cupboard under the stairs. I have what I think is a genuine memory of me and one of my younger sisters playing in a cupboard just like this one at the house where we grew up. I said to mum about this. Do you remember  there was a cupboard like this at our old house and me and my sister used to lovee to play in it, but we weren't allowed? She replied that there was never such a cupboard and she has no such memory. At the time of this my two sons were babies. You know what? My boys are now 5 and 7 years old and they love to play in that cupboard, but my parents say they aren't allowed. I think either my mum's memory is faulty or I had a future memory belonging to my sons. (Or maybe one of them rather than a joint memory)

My love life is non existent also. I have been in touch (or he's been in touch with me) with a guy I used to date. The sexual chemistry is still there, yet I feel nothing else for him. I don't if our relationship can actually go anywhere. I also still love my ex (father of my kids ex) But I can't make love to him anymore. Not since he raped me (years ago) At least that's where I put the blame, seems resonable. I like him and like his company, as long as there is no danger of us getting intimate. And that's no way to have a relationship. I enjoy sex when my heart's in it. I need it too. But I'm just such a (I've forgotten the word that mean what I'm trying to say! Fuck!)

And christmas. Mmm. Not prepared yet. Still need to shop. Don't want to cause it's so freezing cold and cause I'm broke.

Do I have to give it a title?

Anon: Whatever! Talk to the hand, baby. I ain't listening no more!

So, I have a viewing for a council house on Wednesday. I am third in line for it. If it's good and neither of the other two have taken it it might look good. My dad is pissed about it though. Last time we talked about that kind of thing I said I'd tell them (I can't remember what exactly). I forgot to. My mind is in such a muddle. Maybe I ought to be blonde! You know? Sometimes it's that bad. (I am a natural brunette)
But he's got me worrying. Things should not be this way! I should be living with my sons like normal people do and we should be doing great. Instead we are living with my parents. Maybe anyone else would be happy with things as they are, but I'm not. My parents have taken upon themselves maybe 50% of the parenting responsibility of my kids. We have got used to the way things are now and cause it's my parents I don't know how to get it back. They verbally beat me down as a kid. I am a lesser person than them and their opinions should not be taken lightly. I don't want to screw my kids lives up, but sometimes worry that I am doing just that. I was miserable all my teen years due to cohabiting with my parents. I sank into deep depression. I moved on to have an average relationship with my boys father and came back to my parents when things didn't work out with him. I did it cause that is what I needed at that time, but I quickly begun to regret it. I soon remembered how miserable living with them had been for me. I hate it that I have dragged my kids into the same home. I don't know how to deal with any of this stuff!
Four years later we're still here. My dad tried to make me feel bad by talking like we are going to die, rather than move a few streets away! It will be a great shock for my parents and feel like when their dog died, aparently. They might even move into a small house if it's just the two of them. On the one hand I don't care. On the other it has me insecure. What if I can't cope with my sons on our own? When they misbehave they don't listen to me because my parents are more severe with them. Therefore have gained a certain amount of compliance through fear. I don't agree with that. What if I can't cope financially? What if our life turns to hell? Dad thinks my boys will be upset at being seperated from them. We've been here for years now. But it should never have got to this stage in the first place! That we are so dependant on my folks. I am I just being very independant minded or just stubourn and stupid? I am still depressed to a certain degree. Stopped taking my meds a couple of months ago cause I don't like being dependant on drugs and I hate how anti d's make you feel. I can feel the depression kicking in again this week though. Funnily enough only after my dad has spoken with me. I'm insecure. Too insecure and unconfident. I often (back in my teens) used to wish I'd died when I got hit by that car. And somedays I find those thoughts creeping back in. Even though I have kids now. At the time of the accident I survived due to the willpower to live. I wanted to live to have kids one day. Now I sometimes wonder if they would have been better off not being born to me. Am I just screwing them up? My biggest insecurities are about motherhood. I'm sure any parent could relate to that. I don't mean to sound selfish if that's how some of this comes across. My kids are brilliant and I love them dearly. I wish for them to grow up into good, well balanced, secure young men. I don't ever want them to feel messed up and unsure like I do. Especially due to anything I have done, or not done.

I don't know if I've mentioned being hit by a car anywhere on my blog previously. It happened when I was 13 years old and I can't remember a thing about it. I was waiting for the school bus wearing my new black cardigan because I loved it so much. I have put together a picture of what happened from what other people said. (I asked about it, cause I needed to know) The bus came and we all got on. Now the driver was friendly with some kids who always sat up front (I wasn't one of them). That morning one of these kids was not present and she lived just across the road from where the bus picked us up. He asked if someone would go and knock on her door. (She could have just been late) They said no. (The guilt they must have felt afterwards!) It fell to me and being the good natured soul I am I said I'd go. I think I checked behind the bus first cause I'd do that before trying to cross. A car coming from behind the bus ran me down as I crossed and it didn't even stop at the scene. I think it was red (I don't know where that came from but it's what I have in my mind right at this moment, that the car was red) I got glass in my face around my eye from the windscreen and a fucking great lump on my right thigh (where the impact was) I think I was told later that I got thrown completely over the car. It happened on a Friday morning and I was comatose all weekend. I have a vague recollection of a moment in the ambulance where the paramedic asked me to tell him where it hurt. I replied all over (or maybe 'everywhere' I'm not sure) He asked me to be more specific and I said my shoulder hurt. I was distressed cause he had to cut off my clothes. (My new cardigan! I was most upset that it got cut up) I'd just got run over and I was more worried about my clothes! I know. Remember I was only 13. My legs were incredibly weak for a long time after I came home from hospital. I'm fine now though. No lasting damage really. Unless you count the bang on the head. I was not checked for brain damage according to my mum because 'I came back to them as the same person I had been before' It could  have messed up my brain a little and nobody would have a clue. I'd rather have been assessed for damage thanks!

I'm just insecure and unconfidant and wonder what the point of being here is. I ought to go back to the doctor and have a chat really. He doesn't know I've stopped taking the medication. He does know I don't like taking it though. I just wish there was a better way! I'm depressed. Oh here take these pills! It doesn't help! It makes me feel tired and drowsy all the time and well, like I'm drugged. Funny how that works.
Anyway it's Monday night at Flash Forward is about to start. Gotta go!
x

Annonymous

That's a nice way to hide who you really are, isn't it. I have no idea who you are. You could even be Phil himself! Or one of his buddies! For your information right, I didn't say I didn't want things to work out with between Phil and Lindsay. I only expressed a desire for him. He seems like a nice average guy and I wish him the best with everything.
Also I have not cheated on my ex thank you! I have had a profile on Sunsingles for ages, whatever it says on there. That does not equal a desire to cheat. Do you know me? Do you know anything about me? No! So shut the fuck up! I have NEVER cheated on a guy and I would not do that. I had a one night stand when I was single and I have had another relationship, again when I was single. Add that to my relationship with my ex that equals the sum total of my (sexual) relationships. That makes me not a slut, douchebag! You are not really worth the time and energy I have spent justifying myself to you, but I have nothing better to do right at this minute. And you will probably never even read this anyway. Did you say you googled me? I've never googled myself. Perhaps I should, I'm curious now. I have nothing to hide and am not as terrible a woman as you make me out to be/think I am.
I'd love to know who you are cause I'm curious now. If you ever see this post, please let me know annonymous. Peace, k.
x