Philip DeFranco

In case you are not familiar with this man he does internet blogs and stuff on youtube and his own website and he's kinda famous.
Here is a link to is youtube profile page:
http://www.youtube.com/user/sxephil
He has a girlfriend and lives in a whole different country to me, but I don't care. I love this man. He's brilliant. Not only that but I want to fuck him. Is that messed up?
I hope not. Anyway, I don't want to spend ages going on about how cool I think he is cause that would make me wierd.
In other news me and my not ex have broken up again cause we have not been able to see each other for weeks. Maybe that's for the best maybe not. Who knows. He initiated it, even though he's still crazy about me. The main reason I tried to get back with him this time was because he got with a new girlfriend and I heard bad stuff about her, so took a dislike to her. I didn't want to see him with a woman like that. That's not as bitchy as it sounds. I have his kids I think I have a say in who he goes out with. Alright I don't, it's none of my business. They are still buddies and she wants to get back with him, so it might happen anyway. Bummer!
I don't know what else to say really. And nobody even cares what I have to say.

A short story

Chris may be drunk but she sure knows what she wants.
Mark can still feel her kiss fresh on his lips as he pushes her off again.
"I don't think this is a good idea." He tells her.
"But I really fancy you." She insists, flopping down on the bed beside him.
He's not sure if she lay down on purpose or if she fell in a drunken slump. He only came in here to get a breath or fresh air! No good stepping outside, all the smokers are camped out on the doorstep. Yuck!
The music beat thumps through the walls, from the party downstairs.
Chris pulls him down and kisses him again.
He kisses her back. Her soft lips feel nice. Her long blonde hair sprawls beautifully across the pillow.
Mark sits up again.
"Come back!" She protests, with a laugh.
Its not that he doesn't fancy her, it's just that she is drunk! He's not exactly sober himself though. Looking down on her pretty face he smiles.
"You're drunk, baby." He tells her.
"Yeah, I know." Chris grins.
Then she pulls off her tight silver top, ripping it in the process.
"Oops!" She giggles.
She isn't wearing a bra.
He stares at her breasts, not sure if he should feel embarrassed about this. Chris is good mate. They've known each other for years, but it's never been romantic or intimate like this.
She pulls him in for a kiss again and pushes his hand onto her breast.
Mark fondles her, feeling her nipple react to his touch.
"How many drinks have you had?" He asks.
"Don't remember." She says.
That equals a lot, he rekons.
He kisses her, enjoying feeling her soft skin under his hand.
Chris is a fit girl. Her breasts are his favourite part, he's a tit man. He remembers dancing with her earlier. He didn't really have sexual feelings for her at the time, but she looks hot when she dances. She pressed against him too, probably thinking nothing of it.
She slips her tongue in his mouth.
He can feel her nipple is quite hard now and touches the other one.
"Mark." She says, sitting up. "Will you sit up against the headboard for me"
"Sure." He responds, getting into position. "Why?"
She kisses him, smiling and starts to unfasten his flies.
It dawns on him what she is doing, when she puts her head in his crotch.
He is a little bit hard already. When her lips make contact with his cock it feels divine.
Her warm, moist lips slide up and down his growing hard on and her tongue also touches him.
"Mmm!" He moans.
After a couple of minutes of this he feels really turned on and wants to fuck her, badly. They may be mates, but when she starts doing that it's clear she wants more. The booze may also have something to do with it, but he doesn't care right now.
"Chris, honey!" He gasps, putting a finger under her chin and tilting upwards.
She looks up at him, smiling.
"You are beautiful." Mark tells her and kisses her.
She sits up and wraps her arms round him.
Then he kisses her hard nipples, teasing them with his tongue.
This causes her to gasp and moan.
Chris lays back on the bed and spreads her legs.
"I want you, Mark." She tells him.
She has a short, tight skirt on and is not wearing any knickers.
He straddles her and she grabs hold of his hard cock, finding her entrance.
"What about a condom?" Mark says, feeling her moist warmth round the end of his cock.
"What about it?" She replies, bucking towards him.
There he was thinking all girls were into using condoms. She's either too drunk or too aroused to care. The hot warmth of her insides are too much to resist anyway.
Mark enters her and she is pretty wet.
"Mark!" She gasps with pleasure.
She's quite vocal about her enjoyment.
"Oh Chris!" He gasps, on the verge of an orgasm.
The second he feels the orgasm begin to pulsate through him, she passes out cold.
"Oh god!" Marks exclaims, gritting his teeth. "Chris?"
When he's finished he pulls out and lays beside her, trying to get his breath back.
This is not good. He thinks, looking at his unconcious friend.
He feels so tired now. He manages to turn her round so she is lying in bed properly and covers her up. Then he lays beside her on top of the covers and passes out himself.

He wakes up, feeling a terrible thumping in his head and feeling a bit sick.
Mark opens his eyes and tries to remember where he is, cause this is not his own bedroom. In fact he's not at home.
Sitting up he sees he is alone in the bedroom and the door is wide open.
What's he doing here again?
He goes downstairs and sees the reminants of a party. There are a few people passed out sleeping all over the house.
"Morning." Mumbles Lucas, in the process of pouring a cup of coffee.
"Do you mind if I have a cup of coffee, mate?" He asks, remembering this is Lucas' house.
"Sure, go for it." Lucas replies, stepping aside with his own cup.
"I feel like my heads been flattened by a steam roller!" Mark groans.
"Yeah, me too mate!" Lucas groans. "You got on really well with Chrissy last night then!"
"Huh?" Mark questions.
"You went upstairs with her, remember?"
"Not really." Mark frowns, trying to recall anything after drinking and dancing down here. "You seen her this morning?"
"No. She not upstairs?"
"Nah, she's gone mate! Woke up alone."
"That bad was it?" Smiles Lucas.
Mark can remember kissing Chris, but it's all a bit fuzzy.
He takes a sip of the burning hot cup of coffee he's just made himself.
"I hate hangovers!" Mark moans.
After finishing his cuppa, Mark heads home. While he's walking there he gets out his mobile and texts Chrissy. "Great party last night! Got the hangover from hell now. You okay?"
She sends no reply, which is unusual. She normally pings back straight away.

When he gets to his house the police are waiting for him.
He stares at the two uniformed police officers standing at his front door.
"Mark Bradley?" Questions one of the officers.
"Yes. What can I do for you?" He responds, fear biting at his insides.
"You're under arrest for the rape of Christine Michaels." The same officer says, getting out his handcuffs. "You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defense if you do not mention, when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Do you understand?"

I could continue with this, but I said it would be a short story. So I won't.

Do you know this man?

There was once a man
His eyes were brown
His hair was curly and black
His moves were unique
He bought joy to the world
Everyone knows this guy's name
When you hear the beat and see him dance
there is no mistaking who he is
Millions love him, like no other
Many stood by him when his dream turned to a nightmare
He has three beautiful children and was a brilliant father
This man could not have attracted more attention if he was god!
I feel honoured to have shared his lifetime
He will live on in our hearts and minds, through his awesome music
He was the most beautiful person in the world
Do you know this man?









Have you any idea who I am talking about?
I am of course refering to the late, great Michael Jackson
This is my own opinion, from the heart.
(BTW, I made up this verse myself and have not copied these words from anywhere!)

God rest his soul
xxx

Same Old....

I have not written on here for a while but nothing much has altered since I last did so. Only my depression has deepened. I feel trapped here. I can't afford to move out and I have one percent chance of getting a suitable council house. I am saving up but will have to put that towards a holiday for my sons. I am on the housing list but there is always people more desperate than me bidding on the decent properties. So here I am. Stuck in hell with my kids. It's not my kids that are the problem it's my parents. Perhaps I have been over this already in previous posts. I moved in with my parents back when my littlies were a baby and a toddler because I split from their dad and had nowhere else to go. At the time I was actually gripped by an illogical fear of what the future might hold for me and my partner. In actuallity I think I was leaving an open prison and walking into a lions den. Only the lions don't kill you right away. They slowly eat away at your confidence and your nerves, clawing you barely enough to draw blood. Until you can't sleep for worrying and the stress is knawing at your bones and it kills you to feel so trapped and helpless to protect your children. It is not as severe and brutal as things like the poor baby peter case, but it is almost as devestating. It's bad enough that I grew up with the way my so called parents treated me but now they are doing it to my sons and that is inexcusable.

Okay so tonight I was trying to get my boys to have a wash and get changed for bed. They were quite happily reading and playing and pretending it did not need doing right now. I took away a book that my almost seven year old was trying to look at and he said Hey! in a fairly reasonable objecting tone of voice in response. I did not mind. I thought it was a fair reaction. In response my father comes out into the hall and thumps him shouting at him not to speak to me like that. Matt (my son who got hit) starts crying and holds the side of his head saying it hurts. My mother says it didn't hurt. I'm thinking how do you know? How dare she say it doesn't hurt! Does she know what he's feeling? I wanted nothing more than to hold Matt and comfort him. He wants my comfort too. But I cheerfully talk to him as I try to help him change. It breaks my heart not to help him. I was afraid to hug him and give him the comfort he so badly needed because I did not want to give my father any more reason to be angry. He frown on hugging them whenever they are crying. He thinks me and my mum do it too much and that it encourages them to cry when they don't need to and for longer than necessary. He's a cold heartless bully and I hate him. I hate being related to him and I hate having to share a house with him. I hate having to spend any time in the same room as him. And you know the best part? My parents appear to think their behaviour is normal and perfectly okay. They don't even have any idea how I feel. I would break their cold hearts to know the depth of my true feelings for them. Way back when I was a little girl I used to love my dad and look forward to when he came home for lunch, the rare times I was not at school. That affection has long since dissapated. I have not talked about why I hate my mother in this post but I could list a dozen depressing reasons or incidents to illustrate why.

My earliest memory is when I must have been only three or four years old. Very small. Something happened that caused me to run from the living room and flee upstairs to my room gripped by insane fearful panic. I recall hysterically yelling in fear No daddy don't hit me! No daddy! No! As he pursued me up the stairs. This only caused my fear to escalate of course. I ran into my room and shut the door standing behind it trying to hold it shut, whilst crying hysterically. He tried to gain entry which made me more distressed. He told me Have I ever hit you? Have I ever hit you? The answer was no, but it took a long time till I calmed down. I don't actually remember a time in my life since then when I have ever been so scared.

My parents are abusive and the abuse is tearing me apart. I can't say what effect it has on my two sons, but it is going to be negative. Worse case scenario they grow up into monsters. I'd hope they have too much of me and their daddy in them for that though, and that I have taught them to know better. But the abuse is not severe enough that social services can do anything or criminal enough that the police can do anything. Besides I am an adult too. But what can I do? I'm fucking stuck here! So it's just me and them. Left here to rot. Out on a limb all by ourselves. I get afraid sometimes that my mum is going to hurt Matt. I mean more than usual, seriously hurt him. Or maybe even kill him. Is that what were waiting for? My sons have to be dead or bleeding before anyone takes notice? Well I'd rather keep them alive and breathing if it's all the same. I have to stop now before I start crying and falling apart. No chance I'll get a good nights sleep tonight after what my father did.

Ah, where do I begin...............?

Don't know what to say. Have taken two potentially drastic steps. Number one I have written an anonymous letter to the national newspaper that I read basically slating my parents and detailing all the shit that goes on at home. Nothing may come of it anyway. Depends what action the paper decides to take on it. It was a desperate plea for help really and a determination to announce the wrongs that are happening here. Number two I have initiated contact with the police regarding the abuse my parents dish out. I am just totally scared. My dad is going to be so furious if/when he finds out what I've done. But at the same time I have had enough. I don't have the guts to stand up to my dad directly, but so long as it can be done without putting myself or my two children in danger I am ready to stop him. By whatever means necessary. I am sick of witnessing how he scares my young sons and how my mum hurts them when she hits them. I need to save them from more harm. I don't want them to grow up into either timid little men or angry violent ones. I just hope that I am doing the right thing, mainly about involving the police in this. That is a huge step. I have not only the three of us to consider, but also my two younger sister. Both are grown up and one no longer lives at home. They get on way better with mum and dad than I do and the youngest one is at university and still partly financially dependant on our parents. I am worried about upsetting the uneasy balance of life at home, unbalancing the routine we have. Because I don't know how the change (whatever change I have put us in for) will impact on my boys. Also I don't know how my parents will react. When I do things they disapprove of (like getting together with my ex, who is my boys father) I usually get an ear bashing. Long lectures at high volume about what an idiot I am, etc. Dad likes to label me as a drama queen. This thing I am kicking off with the police is the biggest thing I have ever done and it scares me to think how furious my dad will be with me. But it needs to be done. I feel this may be the only way of freeing my children and myself from my parents grasp. My relationship with them is similar to one between an abused partner and his/her abuser. It is my parents house and they have taken the dominating role with raising my sons. I have been desperate to get out of here for a long time, but have so far been unable to. I am on the council housing list and started bidding on properties. I got a couple of viewings. But at that time my youngest was still in pre school which is only part time. Therefore I had to share with my parents where I was going and why when viewing the properties. They began being as unsupportive as possible and did their utmost to talk me out of it. To prevent months of arguments and bad mouthing I pretended I had given up looking. You know how my dad asked me?
Is this moving out thing all done with now?
Bastard! As if I am a fucking teenager or something! I'm 27 years old. In fact when I first had to tell them I was seriously looking at moving out my dad asked me
What about the boys?
I was like, what about them? We will be fine, don't worry. I am ready to move out now. He said
Are you taking them with you?
I was fucking gobsmacked! How dare he! I know for sure what a lousy parent they have me down as now. When I came to them my littlest was a baby and my other son a mere toddler. You know what? They were well behaved, good little boys. Still are. While they have grown in this volatile atmosphere they have changed. And I blame my parents faulty parenting skills completely. My eldest is an angry, temperamental, moody little boy. My other one is prone to regular accidents even though he was toilet trained at least a year ago. He cries and says he doesn't like grandad putting him to bed and I don't fucking blame him. He traumatises and scares my boys. I feel powerless to stop him cause he scares me too. I hate that I have managed to give him so much power and am now unable to take it back. My boys father is a good man and a good daddy. I wish we were still together. I'd go back to him in a second if I thought it were that simple. My parents hate the air he breathes. They'd rather see me dead than with him again, that much I am sure of. I'd rather see my parents six feet under to be honest! But I won't go there. I don't really mean anything by it. I'd never act on it or anything. I am still seeing him again, but in secret from my parents. They think I am dating someone completely different, whom they have never met. I have learnt my lesson there! I love him and we have worked out everything between us. The reasons why I left and such. We have forgiven and forgotten and are prepared to move on. I am damned if I am going to let my parents stop me seeing him. If they don't know they won't hassle me about it. Sorted! Only downside is I can't talk about it with anyone. Most of all our sons can't know because they might talk about it.

On one hand I hope I am doing the right thing by going to the police about my parents abuse. On the other I know it has to be the right thing to do. Going to the police about something is only ever wrong if you have a complete fabrication and are only wasting their time. I am certainly not doing that. It is all 100% true. Then why am I so scared?

So anyway........

I have not posted on here for a while. Things are okay with me. Still living at my parents, but it is a little more bareable at the moment. My dad seems to be keeping more of a lid on himself. He just practically lives at work at the moment. Perhaps that's his way of dealing with it. I am throwing myself into working on writing one of my stories and playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in my spare time. Perhaps as a distraction, I don't know.

It's close to christmas now and I feel so unprepared! I just need to get off my ass and start serious christmas shopping. I don't have presents for anybody but my boys yet! And time is running out.

I am getting on well with my ex. Still refer to him in that way, even though we are committed to each other at the moment. Perhaps it is just a demonstration of my uncertainty. (I should have done psychology, I am always trying to look for the meaning behind everything!) Been seeing each other every few weeks, well maybe more like every six weeks!

My boys are doing great though.

Don't know what else to say. Life is so complicated, ain't it?
x

Thanks, Mark. Your advice means a lot. It's nice to have some outside input, you know?

My life drives me crazy sometimes. I feel like I'm not always in control of my own destiny. I have unwillingly given over partial control to my parents and I don't know how to get it back! It's ridiculous really. I'm a fully grown woman, a parent and suddenly feeling so reliant on my parents. I hate it! My dad can be so controlling. That is my biggest problem. I am scared to stand up to him and say this is what I want so deal with it! Saying something like that with the right attitude is just not my style. I'm too shy and timid for that. Besides I'm intimidated by him and scared of him. But I want to get out of the house perminantly so badly! And not just for my sake, but my kids too. (I may be repeating myself a little here)

Perhaps the need to escape has something to do with my obsession with America. I feel reluctant to admit it in this way, but I have strong urges to visit New York City. I have felt this way for a long time and feel too restricted by my finances and personal situation to act on it. By a long time I mean years. I feel like the United States is where I truely belong and have felt that way for as long as I can recall. But at the same time I feel crazy for feeling that way. It can't be normal. I know I'm not alone though. Many people around the world still see the US as the great land of opportunity. When in reality it is just another country with it's own set of problems, just like every other place in the world. But I will certainly go there one day. Even if it just for a short holiday. What am I talking about, that's all I can go there for anyway. I have nothing to offer her. I can only be a tourist. That is better than nothing though. I am so heartsick over it. I feel homesick for America, honestly. That's crazy right? Maybe I'm ready for the men in white coats.
Oh look! Here they come now! lol

Catch ya later x