What's Real?

There is a man that I had a brief relationship with earlier this year. While we had fun generally the intimacy part of it, because we did reach that point, was not enjoyable for me. And the way he has vanished out of my life makes me feel as if he has stopped existing altogether. Was he ever real in the first place?
The way he does not exist online enhances this illusion. He must have a presence but perhaps in a covert way. He works in IT as a contractor for the US Military and used to actually be in the military.
While the whole experience with him was fun generally I would like to undo the intimate part it if I could. He was too rough and violent, the way he has sex (for my liking anyway). Also every time we did it (which was only about three times overall) he made me bleed a little which was weird. Not sure why that happened. The one time I was actually starting to enjoy it he stopped/finished. Typical right?
The whole experience with him has put me off men altogether. I was not having any luck anyway. The handful of dates I had this year in my pursuit of something longer lasting were failures. The chaps were nice for the most part, but there was never a repeated date. There was one who I was getting on well with but I think he just wanted to sleep with me. After we left the pub he tried to kiss me, which I was not ready for. I walked with him for a little while before turning and heading home. He looked older than I initially thought he would. There was a nice chap who I thought the date with went well and we talked about going out again but it never happened. He reckoned he was a chef in a local pub and was always being called in to work or other excuses that meant our second date kept getting postponed. In the end I lost patience and washed my hands of him. He clearly wasn't really interested in me at all. I had a gut suspicion that he secretly already had a girlfriend and that was why our second date never materialised.
The guy I talked about initially couldn't keep his hands to himself on our second date and I was not happy with this. We went to the cinema and he selected seats in the back row. Later it became apparent there was only one reason for this. I was not comfortable with the ways he was trying to touch me because we didn't know each other well enough for that yet. The fact there was a couple about two seats away from us beside me kissing and touching each other the whole time didn't help either. By the end of the movie their antics had me a bit turned on but I still was not okay with my date trying to feel me up and continued to fight him off.

The whole thing just makes me feel old fashioned. I don't know what the attitudes of young women are today regarding dating and sex but it seems like the guys are all out for sex and don't give a toss about anything longer term. Are women the same generally? I feel like a dying breed here. I am not out for sex and only give myself to a man as part of a longer term relationship. Letting that guy I talked about initially have me was a mistake. The number of men I have slept with is very low and I intend on keeping it that way. I expect to have a few dates (I don't know how many exactly) with a person before we consider getting to that stage. It probably makes me seem like a prude. Don't get me wrong, I like sex (or making love if that's what you call it) but not just for the sake of it with some dude I don't even know. I value myself more than that.

I am not actively seeking someone at the moment anymore. I give up. I may be pretty and nice and all that but it seems like I am destined to grow old alone. If that's the way it's going to be that's fine I guess. I'd rather have somebody but it looks like that is not going to happen now.

The first man I was ever with, our relationship may have been messed up from the start but there is no denying that he is the best I've ever had. That is not just because he was my first and that makes him special. It's a shame there were so many other things wrong with our relationship. The first time was nothing special. First time sex is romanticised too much in the movies. It's not really all that. It is no more or less special than any of the other times we had sex. And that's okay. Despite all the fucked up things that happened I wish it had have worked out. My family never liked him, which is also a shame. Maybe we weren't even good for each other. I don't know. I know myself better now and am more mature and worldly than I was when we first met. The woman he is with now is lucky to have him. He is not in a good place emotionally and I wish I could help. I like helping people and solving problems. I think maybe we have suffered from similar issues over the years, depression, low confidence and all the things that come with both of those. He's not a bad looking chap. We should both be confident, happy within ourselves and just brimming with good things. I think him and me must be connected on a soul level. As in we have been together in past lives. Our connection was so strong and long lasting. When the relationship ended it took me ages to get over it because I loved him and it hurt that we were over. I have had negative feelings towards him at times over the years since but I don't want to hold onto those. At the end of the day he is the father of my children and a part of me will always love him. There I said it. Without downplaying it. The bad stuff that happened between us, he would know what I am talking about, I forgive you. Long enough has passed now that the thing that happened, I'm okay with it. It's in the past and does not define me (or you to an extent). Also I hope that you can or have forgiven me for that thing I did which I don't want to mention here. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I hated myself for it for a long time, but again I think enough time has passed that I can live with it now. It makes me feel like I was god for a moment there, taking the power over life and making a choice. No human should wield that kind of control, especially over such delicate life. I still wonder what gender it was and whether it is out there in spirit somewhere growing up on the other side.

Anyway this is way longer than I initially was going to make it and verged into issues I was not going to talk about. I got side tracked. And the man I talk about at the end is not going to read this anyway, so nothing matters I guess.