August 1st

It is the second as I write this but how I feel is a run on from the events of yesterday really.

I donated blood. I had a good meal for lunch before I went because it was the sensible thing to do. I almost couldn't donate because my iron level were borderline. I was actually just over there threshold for donating. I also appear to be more sensitive than normal. The needles hurt way more than usual and I thought I was used to it by now. Worried the donation needle would leave a nasty bruise but it actually looks okay so far.

After that I ate a lot of junk before making it home again. This was in an effort to help my body and enable me to get back here without passing out. It worked but I didn't feel good. I ate dinner too. I wasn't even hungry. Not sure it helped improve my dizzy nausea sick feeling.

Surprisingly despite all that failure I lost a pound today. Maybe it's just the weight of the pint of blood I'm missing. Who knows. My weight is disgusting right now. I can't even admit it publicly, but take it from me, it's bad. Especially for someone my height (5'4").

I feel pretty tired right now and I don't normally. I had a bad night too. I had got roughly six hours sleep when I was woken at about quarter to six in the morning by a buzzing. I thought it was safe to leave my window open at night at least. It had to be a wasp, one of those things that I fear the most. The sound was louder because my blind was down over the window. Despite being really tired and  just wanting to go back to sleep I left the room. I could not return while it was still there.

Both tired, afraid and angry I mentally willed it away, picturing myself yelling at it (as if that would have any effect). I also pictured an angry invisible wall of air slamming against the glass and then sweeping upwards from the window sill to the opening and moving up and over and outside. Maybe it worked because despite
my expectations it was gone when I crept back to see a while later.

I then shut the window and went back to sleep for two or three hours. Longer than I was going to.

Not sure how to deal with food today. I should probably help my body out the day after donating so that I am not weakened severely. I am not even that hungry yet. It has been almost fourteen hours since I last ate and I am fine. I feel strong right now. Even though I am tired, sluggish and slightly shakey. Not sure if that's the after effects of all the sugar I had yesterday or something else. It is normal for me to be able to go without breakfast because I am never hungry first thing.

It is a battle. It's me vs food and so far (in life) the food has been winning. But no more. I shall ultimately win the war. I shall say my body is strong and my will is stronger. I can overcome the urges to put more food than I need into my body, ignore the cries of the sweet food that says eat me, eat me.

When I feel the hunger pangs tugging at my stomach I know I am in control. I can then choose to eat if I think I need to and if so how much of what to let pass my lips. That is the only way to win. Deny the enemy battle. If I don't engage with poison, processed, sugar laden food then I automatically win.

I will no longer mindlessly shovel food into my body, sometimes past the point of being full and occasionally this has lead to indigestion and feeling sick. Luckily my body is strong. It takes something like a tummy bug to actually make me vomit. I've never eaten to that point.

I will now go and carefully consider my hunger levels and think about having some lunch. If I do it will be pretty healthy.

Whoever reads my ramblings thank you. I hope they made sense and you found it interesting. May the rest of your day be filled with pleasure (but not too much of the sugary kind :)