Motivation

Hi folks

I'm feeling seriously demotivated today. I don't know exactly where it began. I got the news this week that I have to attend Job Club. Despite what my jobcentre advisor said it feels like a punishment. I've only just come out of a temp job. I have no idea why I was picked to do this. They can't expect me to secure a new job this quickly. It hasn't been that easy since I left college at 19 and walked into my first permanent job within a couple of months. The most annoying thing about that job is I walked away voluntarily. I didn't realise what a stupid move that was at the time. I remember it as me leaving so I could be closer to my boyfriend at the time who lived in the next town. I had recently become pregnant with my first child and this was my underlying motivation for wanting to be geographically closer to him. But after reading an old diary of mine I have questioned this memory. Whatever the truth it was stupid to resign. I have regretted it in the years since. Fast forward a few years, two children and a failed relationship and suddenly there are 500 people applying for the same jobs as me when before there was 5. Securing a job is now near impossible, How much did our population expand in those years?! All I've been able to get is temp jobs.

It's so sudden but I feel so depressed today. What did I do? Where did I go wrong these last few days? I can't pin down why these feelings have engulfed me. I'm usually very positive and pretty happy, able to see the best in everything. Not today though.
I went to the football on Tuesday. Not sure if that's related. I support Norwich City and attended the home game against Tottenham this Tuesday just gone. I was so pumped before hand because I have not attended a match for far too long and really miss the atmosphere and stuff. I went with my two sons. We had a good time but Norwich got their butt's kicked. The first thing that felt wrong was walking down to Carrow Road in the crowd of supporters. They weren't glowing with yellow and green like I remember from previous matches. It doesn't feel right unless the crowd is awash with the team colours. Then during the match the crowd was pretty subdued in my opinion. The Spurs supporters on the other hand hardly kept quiet the whole game and made more than enough noise to compensate for their comparatively small numbers. The home crowd booed a lot because the referee wasn't doing a great job. According to the NCFC Twitter feed there were two disallowed goals during this match because the scorer was apparently offside. I did notice one of these. The crowd between me and the goal stood up (as did I) but I still couldn't see exactly what was going on. It seemed like someone had scored but it was wrong somehow. I didn't understand at the time. I was later informed by someone on Twitter that I had appeared on Match Of The Day. At the disallowed goal the camera panned to the linesman and there I was in the crowd behind him. He must have amazing eyesight because my appearance was so quick. It was nice to be famous for half a second. After losing 3-0 we went home disappointed. It seemed to me the team were scared to try and score. I watched Tottenham run rings around Norwich. They got possession of the ball and played with it passing it back and forth and the Norwich players couldn't intercept it. Then when they did get possession and ran up the pitch with the ball they darted into the corner and not towards the goal. Even then instead of trying to score they passed the ball across the pitch. The players then passed the ball back towards their own goal. The amount of times it was passed to our keeper for a goal kick I was concerned it would eventually end up in the back of the net. Thank fully this didn't happen. When someone, maybe out of boredom, eventually beat Lloris (the Spurs keeper) he was offside. They just couldn't get it right.

I regret missing out on tickets to the home game against Liverpool the previous week. I intended to get tickets for ages beforehand but got confused about when I was able to buy them. The match was amazing. Even though Liverpool eventually won 5-4, up to the last minute anything could have happened as the winning goal was put away in the final minute of the game. I would have loved to have seen it live.That must have be demotivating for the team to an extent though. They worked so hard and still came away losers.

I just don't know what's up with me today. Have you ever felt like that? It's Friday too. Even though I'm not working at the minute I should still be happy about the impending weekend.
Another slightly depressing thing is Valentines day. It's happening soon. For those of us who are single and not happy with the situation it's just rubbing in our faces that we are not in a loving relationship. I have been chatting with somebody and we have talked about meeting/going on a date at a time when we are both free. The way I'm feeling today I can't help say I'm not sure if anything will come of it. He seems like a nice guy. Who knows?

I'd better go and stick my head on the sand now. If I play camel and pretend everything is okay maybe I will feel better again. Hope you have a lovely day.

If you are sharing my depression today please leave a comment. Sharing is supposed to be theraputic. (Why can't I spell today?) x