Sex and Relationships

I've discovered the difference between love and sex. Not such a big breakthrough perhaps. There is this guy that I know. To say we're dating would be stretching the truth cause he's not reliable enough to actually go through with a date. He wants me. If I did him (for me) it would just be plain sex, no emotional involvement. I don't love him or anything, but we have brilliant chemistry. That's why I can't do it with him though. As a woman, I need that emotional bond before I can jump into bed with a guy. Doing it with love feels so much better. I don't know how much sense this makes, but it feels good to put pen to paper (so to speak) with it. This guy is someone I have had a relationship with in the past. He still wants me, I guess.

I feel disconnected from people. I don't let anyone into my head very often. It's a defensive tactic to prevent myself getting hurt. I try not to share with my parents if I can help it. Mum's feedback about anything always tends to feel like criticism. Now I can take criticism, but not all the time over everything. I also feel like she treats me like I'm stupid. Outside my family I have little contact with anyone. I find myself avoiding conversation with other mums and dads at school if I can help it because the idea of talking with them scares me.I would have to think of things to say, whilst trying to not appear rude and do the normal things people do when they converse. I don't know what's up with me. Strangely I feel closest to Jon (my ex) He is still my best friend in many ways. I know I love him (and he always claims to love me) but I am doubtful we can have a proper relationship. I can't/don't want to have sex with him anymore and he does with me. It is a very important part of a relationship for him. He could not be with me again if that was not part of the relationship. (I know this cause we have talked about it in the past and he said as much.

What hope is there for me? Stuck with my sons at my parents house and no man to love completely. I'm not one of those women who need a man to make her feel complete. But I crave that social norm. To be settled down in a nice house with a nice man and with children (I already have those but would also like more) and just being happy with everything. I should be happy with what I've got and I am, but it's not enough. I don't want this life. I want to live in the USA and to be an american and to be married to an American guy. THAT is my hope deep down, what I want out of life. But I don't have a chance in hell of that really. I don't know what my obsession with the united states is about, but it's always there. Perhaps I was an american in a past life or something and the memories of that are so joyful or whatever that they have been imprinted on my soul and the love for that country has been carried over into this life. Who knows? Maybe god does.