Christmas is coming...........

Hey there. I have not kept my blog for a while, just been busy with everything else. Still at my parents house. Am in gold band on the housing list but generally come second or third for the properties that I'm interested in and of course the people ahead of me take them. Sometimes I wish life was simpler.
I don't really have any money and it's all my own fault, but I don't want to go into that. It'll be okay.

I'm still wierd when it comes to talking to people. The other day my sister came over with her boyfriend. He's lovely and always great with my sons. But I failed miserably when he said hello to me. I smiled and nothing more. He probably didn't even see me smile. Then I felt embarrassed because he'd think I'm rude or ignoring him. I didn't know how to deal with the situation after that. He's my sister's bloke and a nice guy and I don't want him to think I'm strange or don't like him. I am terrible like that regularly. I fail to even manage a normal greeting or don't get into conversation or anything with him.

I wonder what the point of life is. I think I'm getting depressed. I don't want that to happen! Maybe it's just the time of year. Many people get depressed at christmas. I am estranged from life right now.

I have tried to begin a new story but I feel a bit lost with it. I think that reflects my mindset at the moment, a bit lost. Writing is easy and the thing I love doing most in the world. But it's also hard. Anyone can invent a story, but only some can invent a GOOD story. So far what I've written sounds kind of promising. But it's aimless. My last project had an idea at the heart of it and that idea was the momentum that kept it going. This one is just a vague beginning and so far it lacks the driving idea to push it along. I just started it because I feel the need to create (kind of like vampires feel the need to drink blood)

I still hate my parents. (So what else is new?) I think I hate them because my biggest fear is turning into a bastard like my father. But it's no doubt in the blood. I will be just as he is. Also the influence he has on my sons will one day (maybe) turn them into bastards like him too. I don't want that to happen either. But whatever will be will be. I try not to worry about what I can't change, but it's in my nature.

I dream about my future. Sometimes I wonder if the future is set or if it changes with people minds. If something is decided and then someone changes their mind, that decided thing is wrong. But perhaps the person was always ment to change their mind, so the first future was never going to be true. Make any sense at all? Anyway, I know I dream of my future because periodically I have a vague sense of deja vu. The cause is a dream I had ages ago. It happens every now and then and I've kinda got used to it now. Something really bizarre for you right.

When my parents first moved into their current house I noticed how there is a small cupboard under the stairs. I have what I think is a genuine memory of me and one of my younger sisters playing in a cupboard just like this one at the house where we grew up. I said to mum about this. Do you remember  there was a cupboard like this at our old house and me and my sister used to lovee to play in it, but we weren't allowed? She replied that there was never such a cupboard and she has no such memory. At the time of this my two sons were babies. You know what? My boys are now 5 and 7 years old and they love to play in that cupboard, but my parents say they aren't allowed. I think either my mum's memory is faulty or I had a future memory belonging to my sons. (Or maybe one of them rather than a joint memory)

My love life is non existent also. I have been in touch (or he's been in touch with me) with a guy I used to date. The sexual chemistry is still there, yet I feel nothing else for him. I don't if our relationship can actually go anywhere. I also still love my ex (father of my kids ex) But I can't make love to him anymore. Not since he raped me (years ago) At least that's where I put the blame, seems resonable. I like him and like his company, as long as there is no danger of us getting intimate. And that's no way to have a relationship. I enjoy sex when my heart's in it. I need it too. But I'm just such a (I've forgotten the word that mean what I'm trying to say! Fuck!)

And christmas. Mmm. Not prepared yet. Still need to shop. Don't want to cause it's so freezing cold and cause I'm broke.