I am feeling troubled by many things in my life.
I have regrets too. Who doesn't?
I'm still living with my parents. It's not as bad as it has been at times in the past, but I still hate being here. In some ways it has been a blessing, but I worry about the affect living with my parents has had on my sons. Especially compared to if we were still living with my boyfriend (the boys father). I left him because I got scared and paniced. What possessed me to come back to my parents? In some ways I don't think I'd have coped without their support, but in others it has been one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I also divorced him after moving here (we'd barely been married a year). I was hurting due to the seperation from him. My efforts to make the seperation permanent were to set in motion divorce proceedings straight away, to blank him at every effort by him to make contact and to sell my wedding ring. I don't know what else I may have done. Suffice to say it didn't work. I still loved him too much. Over time I started responding and we talked about things. I knew he didn't want to break up or divorce, but it was a done deal. We made up and let my parents know. The way they reacted you'd think I'd just told them I had killed police officer. Talk about over reacting! How could I be so stupid? I am such a drama queen! The best place for the boys is here with them. They would fight me for custody if I ever try to take them away. Yadda, yadda, yadda!
So again me and Jon parted, I think. Since then I have resorted to lying to my parents in order to spend time with him. It was the case that I was going to spend the weekend with 'Phil' in Ipswich. Since there had really been a Phil in Ipswich at one of the points me and him were not together, this worked a treat. Then he moved in with a girl. She and him had dated at one of the times me and him were not together. She offered to share her flat with him (it was way better than where he was living). He sleeps on her sofa. Not ideal, but he gets by. He says she does not want me at the flat. So we can no longer spend time together in Ipswich.
I am feeling pretty insecure lately and I have never felt insecure in a relationship before. He is poor, so does not always have credit on his phone. So there are long periods when I don't hear from him. This does not help. I am so scared of loosing him. I know he still feels the same way he always has done, and wants us to be together again. But I'm scared this could change and I'd loose him.
I feel stuck here. I want to be with him more than anything. Nobody (well, maybe a few of his mates) knows we are back together. I have the impression my parents would rather see me six feet under than back with him. I don't know why they have to be like that. He is not a bad person. He is kind and gentle and loving.
He slapped me once, but it didn't hurt or leave a mark. He just says he forgot himself for a second. He could never imagine doing the things to me that I was afraid of when I left him. I wondered if a light slap was how domestic violence begins. Was he going to start hitting me now? I got so scared. But I don't remember ever hearing him raise his voice and we've known each other ten years now. I could not picture him punching me. That was the reason I am where I am today. I miss him so much!
How could I have been so thoughtless? When I got scared logic went out the window. I was not thinking of anything much, least of all the future. I forgot how bad being with my parents could be.
I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not left him then, but that is little comfort when I want to be back with him so much. I guess part of the craving for being back living together is that it seems so out of reach. He is waiting for me to swing back the other way and start doubting if I want to be with him again.
I don't pretend that it would be perfect, we'd likely still have the same (or similar) financial problems as before.
The guilt over the abortion I had still sits at the back of my mind, just waiting for me to think of it so I can feel the heavy burden weighing my heart down again. She (he) would be four now and in the first year of school. How do women live with themselves after having an abortion? How can it even be legal? It's murder by another name. I can't believe I ever agreed to do it. I decided to have it done because I felt that was my only choice at the time, but I never in my heart truely wanted to do it. When I told mum I was pregnant she started crying and said her life was ruined. I still fail to see her logic behind that thought. I knew I had to do it because it was what mum and dad wanted and expected, but I had to say that I wanted to do it. The decision had to be mine. The baby was only six weeks gone when I had it done, but I couldn't help think of it as a baby already. I remember sitting in the waiting room at the abortion clinic with mum. I was nervous and didn't want to do it. But I didn't say anything to anyone. I did what I thought I had to do.
I start fainting when I get pregnant, so I couldn't just have not told my parents, they'd have guessed.
When I got pregnant with my first born mum tried so hard to get me to have an abortion, but I never backed down. She talked me to tears many times over a drink in a supermarket cafe. She said she's force me to have one if she could because she thought it was for the best. Why did I cave in so easily that second time before it was even mentioned out loud? I feel like such a hypocrite. I am already a mother and then I go and do something like that. It wasn't even a rape conception. I wanted that baby. When I concieved we both knew what we were doing. It is so hard to live with the choice I made. I killed my baby. That's the long and short of it. I love babies and having them. The birth is a nightmare and so painful. When I had my second son I ended up just getting through on gas and air, bled all over the place. Thought it would never end, but he is amazing. It's worth it for the little life we make. The feeling of having a life growing inside you and feeling it moving around in your tummy is like nothing else in the world. Dispite all the discomforts and the drawbacks to pregnancy, it is the best feeling in the world. The only thing I have been sure of my whole life is that I wanted to have children. I have them now, but want more. Enough is never enough, I guess. When I got run down by a car when I was 13 I was comatose for two days. I have a recollection of being in the ambulance because I remember the paramedic talking to me. He asked me where it hurt. His voice was loud. Maybe he was shouting to be heard over the siren they must have been using. I replied that it hurt all over. He asked me if I could be more specific and I said my shoulder and my leg hurt. I was moaning and clutching my shoulder. I was upset that he had to cut my cardigan off because it was brand new. It's a strange thing to be upset about after being hit by a car! That is the only thing I can remember until I woke up in a hospital bed. It was night time and my dad was sitting next to the bed in a chair, asleep. At some point previous to waking up (I think) or perhaps to encourage my recovery I thought of having children. I told myself I have to survive this, so I can have children someday. I got glass in my face and still have scars around my eyes. I wonder if I was ever in danger of dying from that? Being hit by a car is pretty serious. The driver didn't even stop. If I got glass in my face the windscreen must have broken or cracked. Seems a bit hard to drive like that. You've just run down a thirteen year old schoolgirl, what's the next thing you do? Stop to see if you've killed her and panic like hell? You carry on driving, of course! After I came out of hospital I went down to the police station so they could ask me what I remembered? The answer? Let's see, I have suffered head trauma after he most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Do I remember what colour the car was and the number plate or do I have amnesia about that entire day? The police kept repeating the same question. What do you remember? Tell us anything you can remember? I guess they had very little to go on, but I am about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. However, I heard that the driver handed himself in. After a story about it appeared in the local paper maybe. I don't know. I was only 13. I don't even know his name or anything. I guess he felt guilty afterall. From what I was told I walked out from behind the school bus as he was overtaking (the bus was stationary) I didn't see him coming and he didn't see me.
I have talked about many things and am going to go and try to think cheerful thoughts now.
x
