Don't know what to say. Have taken two potentially drastic steps. Number one I have written an anonymous letter to the national newspaper that I read basically slating my parents and detailing all the shit that goes on at home. Nothing may come of it anyway. Depends what action the paper decides to take on it. It was a desperate plea for help really and a determination to announce the wrongs that are happening here. Number two I have initiated contact with the police regarding the abuse my parents dish out. I am just totally scared. My dad is going to be so furious if/when he finds out what I've done. But at the same time I have had enough. I don't have the guts to stand up to my dad directly, but so long as it can be done without putting myself or my two children in danger I am ready to stop him. By whatever means necessary. I am sick of witnessing how he scares my young sons and how my mum hurts them when she hits them. I need to save them from more harm. I don't want them to grow up into either timid little men or angry violent ones. I just hope that I am doing the right thing, mainly about involving the police in this. That is a huge step. I have not only the three of us to consider, but also my two younger sister. Both are grown up and one no longer lives at home. They get on way better with mum and dad than I do and the youngest one is at university and still partly financially dependant on our parents. I am worried about upsetting the uneasy balance of life at home, unbalancing the routine we have. Because I don't know how the change (whatever change I have put us in for) will impact on my boys. Also I don't know how my parents will react. When I do things they disapprove of (like getting together with my ex, who is my boys father) I usually get an ear bashing. Long lectures at high volume about what an idiot I am, etc. Dad likes to label me as a drama queen. This thing I am kicking off with the police is the biggest thing I have ever done and it scares me to think how furious my dad will be with me. But it needs to be done. I feel this may be the only way of freeing my children and myself from my parents grasp. My relationship with them is similar to one between an abused partner and his/her abuser. It is my parents house and they have taken the dominating role with raising my sons. I have been desperate to get out of here for a long time, but have so far been unable to. I am on the council housing list and started bidding on properties. I got a couple of viewings. But at that time my youngest was still in pre school which is only part time. Therefore I had to share with my parents where I was going and why when viewing the properties. They began being as unsupportive as possible and did their utmost to talk me out of it. To prevent months of arguments and bad mouthing I pretended I had given up looking. You know how my dad asked me?
Is this moving out thing all done with now?
Bastard! As if I am a fucking teenager or something! I'm 27 years old. In fact when I first had to tell them I was seriously looking at moving out my dad asked me
What about the boys?
I was like, what about them? We will be fine, don't worry. I am ready to move out now. He said
Are you taking them with you?
I was fucking gobsmacked! How dare he! I know for sure what a lousy parent they have me down as now. When I came to them my littlest was a baby and my other son a mere toddler. You know what? They were well behaved, good little boys. Still are. While they have grown in this volatile atmosphere they have changed. And I blame my parents faulty parenting skills completely. My eldest is an angry, temperamental, moody little boy. My other one is prone to regular accidents even though he was toilet trained at least a year ago. He cries and says he doesn't like grandad putting him to bed and I don't fucking blame him. He traumatises and scares my boys. I feel powerless to stop him cause he scares me too. I hate that I have managed to give him so much power and am now unable to take it back. My boys father is a good man and a good daddy. I wish we were still together. I'd go back to him in a second if I thought it were that simple. My parents hate the air he breathes. They'd rather see me dead than with him again, that much I am sure of. I'd rather see my parents six feet under to be honest! But I won't go there. I don't really mean anything by it. I'd never act on it or anything. I am still seeing him again, but in secret from my parents. They think I am dating someone completely different, whom they have never met. I have learnt my lesson there! I love him and we have worked out everything between us. The reasons why I left and such. We have forgiven and forgotten and are prepared to move on. I am damned if I am going to let my parents stop me seeing him. If they don't know they won't hassle me about it. Sorted! Only downside is I can't talk about it with anyone. Most of all our sons can't know because they might talk about it.
On one hand I hope I am doing the right thing by going to the police about my parents abuse. On the other I know it has to be the right thing to do. Going to the police about something is only ever wrong if you have a complete fabrication and are only wasting their time. I am certainly not doing that. It is all 100% true. Then why am I so scared?
