The Great Unknown

I feel like there is something missing in my life. I have no idea what. I have just had this strange sense lately that there is some great void in my life. It leaves me feeling empty and sad. I eat chocolate and yet this does not ease the emptiness (strange that!)

I guess it will become clear at some point. Maybe I am just missing somebody. The universe has plans, I am certain. I hope it makes it's self known pretty soon. My waist is expanding by the hour and I don't like it!

I sit in my bedroom of an evening and feel empty and lost. My magazines and books do not fill the void. I am not in the mood for anything, but don't want to just sit feeling empty and sad. Perhaps there is just something amiss in my bedroom. A little feng shui mishap, or something.

Love to you all (whoever may read this!)
xxx

Me and my ex

Not much to report, even after months of no posts!

I have much personal stuff I can discuss though.

I am back with my ex. I love him deeply and can't believe we screwed up our relationship so badly before. The big issue is that my parents can't stand him and his parents don't think much of me either come to think of it. We have a long on/off history which I won't go into right now. But we know we want to be together and not revisit our past mistakes. We even have two children together. I have been living with my parents for at least three years now and my boys are aged four and six years. My parents have taken quite an involved role in bringing up my kids alongside me, so they feel like parents to my sons too. I mentioned to them that I am thinking about looking to move out and they would feel the loss. I don't have time to write as long a post as I'd like to right now, but I'll be back. I just don't know how we are going to move in together again in the future under the current circumstances.

I will expand on the above in a few days or whenever I can.

Failure Is Not An Option

I was right about why I failed the medical. I got a letter from the force doctor confirming what I thought, later that same week. I can wait two years and apply again. Providing that I have no need to receive anti depressants or depression related counciling at any time during the next couple of years. I will certainly do that. I intend to apply again in the future, assuming that my feeling about joining up remain the same. I just hope conditions in the force have improved a little by then. Lol. But I won't hold out any great hopes.

My Interview

Thanks for your support guys. It means a lot. But I have some bad news. I got a phone call from my local police station yesterday afternoon, a few hours before I was due to sit the interview. She told me that they'd been notified that I failed my medical, so they can't proceed with the interview. I was disappointed to say the least. I have a suspicion that I failed due to my history of depression. I am waiting on some kind of confirmation from occupational health about why I failed. I hope I'm not waiting in vain. I was under the impression that I passed all the tests at the medical. The doctor wanted to get a statement from my doctor about my history of depression. The woman I spoke to on the phone yesterday suggested that I wait six months and try again if I want to re apply. I will certainly do that. I am not put off by any means. I'm just sad that I failed due to my past. Assuming I am right about why I failed, of course!
I'm still determined to get into that job though. I'll just give it time and try again.

Today

It's friday again. I have an interview this coming tuesday to get into the force as a special. I can't believe how long this is taking. The first interview I blew cause my nerves got the better of me and I couldn't function. Another one was set up cause I got lucky and have not blown my chances completely. But I got sick and was too ill to attend, so it was rearranged again. I hope I will make it this time. I know I can do it. At least in my minds eye I see myself sitting through the interview and being fine and passing it. IRL is a different matter though. I was just a little intimidated having to sit with two uniformed officers. Not only that but high ranking ones too! Ever since I can remember I have felt a little scared/intimidated by police in uniform. I am not so much so now than I was as a kid. Which is good. I never had good reason for those feelings either. I have never been in trouble with the police or anything. And strangely I have always wanted to be one also. So here I go. I'm trying to become one. My mum thinks I am not cut out for this job though and said she hopes I don't get in. That does wonders for my feelings, as you can imagine. But I'm not going to give up on this for any reason like that. If I make it, I make it. If they say I'm not right for it, that's fine too. I'll move on and look in a different direction. Mum could be right, but there is only one way to find out for sure. I belive I can handle the job and I am perfectly capable of doing it. I just need to make the interview. I'm going to try to keep my nerves in check this time. I will be fine. I will get back to you after the interview.

It's official, I have anger problems!

Okay, something happened this morning and it has left me boiling with fury, like a frothing kettle. There is this woman whose head I would LOVE to cave in! Seriously!
Let me start at the beginning...........
I went into my local shop with my three year old son after collecting him from preschool. I was getting stamps and something tasty for him. I went to the counter to ask for some stamps and told him to go and pick something. He brought a little chocolate bar up and placed it on the counter. The cashier told him to put it back, thinking he wasn't allowed anything and he did. I didn't say anything for a moment as I was stunned by this. When he was over by the sweeties after returning the bar I told him it was okay and to get something. So he brought a different thing up to the till and began to cry. I hugged him and began to feel angry at the woman. I went back to the sweetie display to get the thing he had chosen first and he followed me to say that he wanted his second choice, still crying. So I bought the box of candy stick he picked second and my stamps and left. All the way home I was boiling with fury. I wanted to go back in that shop and shout at her, call her insulting names and kick up a fuss. Maybe even punch her. I had the urge to vandalise parked cars that my sons and I walked past on the way home, just to vent my fury. But I held it in. I definately have anger issues! Some of you might say I don't cause I have the strength to hold it in and not act on my anger. But what happens when the day comes and something happens where I can no longer contain it and lash out? Where will I be then?
Don't answer that. I can imagine where I'd be. It concerns me that something so trivial can get me so worked up. I guess everyone has theri triggers. In fact, I am still a little bit pissed off right now. But I will cool down soon enought I guess. Just so long as I don't go back in that shop later, when I collect my older son from school.......

I'm still here!

I have no idea if anyone has even been reading my posts. I have been pretty busy the last couple of months and don't have much to report really. I passed the interview stage of my specials application. I have a medical in a couple of weeks and should hear about the training course, due to begin sometime in february.

I have spent my spare time plugging away at my story. And I'm not sure that I have written anything of much worth. I want my stories to be really good. And I want people to read them and think 'wow, yeah that's excellant!' But until I can read them without noticing the faults and inconsistencies I am too nervous to show them to anybody else. Should anyone even care enough to read them and give me their opinions! I am scared of failure. My stories are very personal to me and mean a lot. (As you can probably tell!) I'd love to get something published one day, but am such a perfectionist when it comes to my writing! And I probably need to be, especially if I am attempting to become some kind of proffesional writer. Writing good stories is actually very challenging and difficult. I guess that's part of the appeal for me. And besides, if it were that easy everybody would be doing it!

I didn't mean to spend so long rambling on about my writing. And I realise that I sound very appologetic in my discussion back there.

I'll see you again soon. (I hope!)