Alexianna

July 2011

2011-07-14T21:46:00.000+01:00

I'm depressed, but trying not to be. Have been job hunting for months and not had any luck yet, but I know I'm not alone with that. That is not the source of my saddness though. I refuse to go into another God I hate my parents, my dad is such an asshole! rant.

So let's talk about something else. That photo that I put on the end of my last post is stolen (shh!) from a website that sells lingerie, sex toys and porn. I like it and I found I was able to save it right from the webpage :)
On a different matter, I need money. I really need money. Yeah I know, who doesn't? I just wish it didn't slip through my fingers like powder. I have no way of making money. I will just have to do it the old fashioned way. IF I ever find employment that is! If I was better looking I might consider glamour modeling, but getting into that is just as hard as getting into anything.

I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying. Nobody cares about my ravings anyway. This is just a public diary and is meant to make me feel better. It doesn't always work.

Thanks for all the annonymous spam guys. And I really appreciate the messages in Greek that I have no clue what is being said, cause that is totally my first language! If it is not Greek, I have no idea what language it is or even what it says. But it's fascinating. If anyone has the ability feel free to leave me a comment in Japanese. That is such a beautiful language (in writing). Still would have no clue what it says though. All none illegal money making ideas also welcome. lol.

This is Poonam Jhawar. (Yes, I borrowed it from the web.) She's a Bollywood actress, if you don't know her. Isn't she beautiful? I like this cause her breasts look so sexy and you can see her nipples. Mmm...

Okay, I complain too much

2011-04-05T22:52:00.000+01:00

So let me show you this nice photo I took in Israel last year.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, I'm now 30! OMG!
I had a nice day, but couldn't really do anything to celebrate properly because I have a broken foot right now. It is in a cast and has been for weeks. I get it off soon though.

I don't think I've mentioned this before but at the office where I volunteer there is a really cute guy!
This matters because I have not responded the way I did to him to a guy in a long time (I mean that I was very aware of his presence the first time he leaned over my desk behind me and continue to be distracted by his presence when he's there). He's pretty good looking, but alas, he has a girlfriend! (As I have a boyfriend) So it's a no brainer anyway.
My guy will be jealous when/if he reads this! lol
But whatever.

I have had my head in one of my stories for the last few weeks. It gives me focus while my foot recovers.
I want to write some more of it now...

But just one more photo before I go.
I'm a bit of a pervert. I like this one. Do you know where I got it from? Hmm...

Waffle, waffle, waffle......

2011-02-13T22:11:00.000Z

I am feeling troubled by many things in my life.
I have regrets too. Who doesn't?

I'm still living with my parents. It's not as bad as it has been at times in the past, but I still hate being here. In some ways it has been a blessing, but I worry about the affect living with my parents has had on my sons. Especially compared to if we were still living with my boyfriend (the boys father). I left him because I got scared and paniced. What possessed me to come back to my parents? In some ways I don't think I'd have coped without their support, but in others it has been one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. I also divorced him after moving here (we'd barely been married a year). I was hurting due to the seperation from him. My efforts to make the seperation permanent were to set in motion divorce proceedings straight away, to blank him at every effort by him to make contact and to sell my wedding ring. I don't know what else I may have done. Suffice to say it didn't work. I still loved him too much. Over time I started responding and we talked about things. I knew he didn't want to break up or divorce, but it was a done deal. We made up and let my parents know. The way they reacted you'd think I'd just told them I had killed police officer. Talk about over reacting! How could I be so stupid? I am such a drama queen! The best place for the boys is here with them. They would fight me for custody if I ever try to take them away. Yadda, yadda, yadda!
So again me and Jon parted, I think. Since then I have resorted to lying to my parents in order to spend time with him. It was the case that I was going to spend the weekend with 'Phil' in Ipswich. Since there had really been a Phil in Ipswich at one of the points me and him were not together, this worked a treat. Then he moved in with a girl. She and him had dated at one of the times me and him were not together. She offered to share her flat with him (it was way better than where he was living). He sleeps on her sofa. Not ideal, but he gets by. He says she does not want me at the flat. So we can no longer spend time together in Ipswich.
I am feeling pretty insecure lately and I have never felt insecure in a relationship before. He is poor, so does not always have credit on his phone. So there are long periods when I don't hear from him. This does not help. I am so scared of loosing him. I know he still feels the same way he always has done, and wants us to be together again. But I'm scared this could change and I'd loose him.
I feel stuck here. I want to be with him more than anything. Nobody (well, maybe a few of his mates) knows we are back together. I have the impression my parents would rather see me six feet under than back with him. I don't know why they have to be like that. He is not a bad person. He is kind and gentle and loving.
He slapped me once, but it didn't hurt or leave a mark. He just says he forgot himself for a second. He could never imagine doing the things to me that I was afraid of when I left him. I wondered if a light slap was how domestic violence begins. Was he going to start hitting me now? I got so scared. But I don't remember ever hearing him raise his voice and we've known each other ten years now. I could not picture him punching me. That was the reason I am where I am today. I miss him so much!
How could I have been so thoughtless? When I got scared logic went out the window. I was not thinking of anything much, least of all the future. I forgot how bad being with my parents could be.
I wouldn't be the person I am today if I had not left him then, but that is little comfort when I want to be back with him so much. I guess part of the craving for being back living together is that it seems so out of reach. He is waiting for me to swing back the other way and start doubting if I want to be with him again.
I don't pretend that it would be perfect, we'd likely still have the same (or similar) financial problems as before.

The guilt over the abortion I had still sits at the back of my mind, just waiting for me to think of it so I can feel the heavy burden weighing my heart down again. She (he) would be four now and in the first year of school. How do women live with themselves after having an abortion? How can it even be legal? It's murder by another name. I can't believe I ever agreed to do it. I decided to have it done because I felt that was my only choice at the time, but I never in my heart truely wanted to do it. When I told mum I was pregnant she started crying and said her life was ruined. I still fail to see her logic behind that thought. I knew I had to do it because it was what mum and dad wanted and expected, but I had to say that I wanted to do it. The decision had to be mine. The baby was only six weeks gone when I had it done, but I couldn't help think of it as a baby already. I remember sitting in the waiting room at the abortion clinic with mum. I was nervous and didn't want to do it. But I didn't say anything to anyone. I did what I thought I had to do.
I start fainting when I get pregnant, so I couldn't just have not told my parents, they'd have guessed.
When I got pregnant with my first born mum tried so hard to get me to have an abortion, but I never backed down. She talked me to tears many times over a drink in a supermarket cafe. She said she's force me to have one if she could because she thought it was for the best. Why did I cave in so easily that second time before it was even mentioned out loud? I feel like such a hypocrite. I am already a mother and then I go and do something like that. It wasn't even a rape conception. I wanted that baby. When I concieved we both knew what we were doing. It is so hard to live with the choice I made. I killed my baby. That's the long and short of it. I love babies and having them. The birth is a nightmare and so painful. When I had my second son I ended up just getting through on gas and air, bled all over the place. Thought it would never end, but he is amazing. It's worth it for the little life we make. The feeling of having a life growing inside you and feeling it moving around in your tummy is like nothing else in the world. Dispite all the discomforts and the drawbacks to pregnancy, it is the best feeling in the world. The only thing I have been sure of my whole life is that I wanted to have children. I have them now, but want more. Enough is never enough, I guess. When I got run down by a car when I was 13 I was comatose for two days. I have a recollection of being in the ambulance because I remember the paramedic talking to me. He asked me where it hurt. His voice was loud. Maybe he was shouting to be heard over the siren they must have been using. I replied that it hurt all over. He asked me if I could be more specific and I said my shoulder and my leg hurt. I was moaning and clutching my shoulder. I was upset that he had to cut my cardigan off because it was brand new. It's a strange thing to be upset about after being hit by a car! That is the only thing I can remember until I woke up in a hospital bed. It was night time and my dad was sitting next to the bed in a chair, asleep. At some point previous to waking up (I think) or perhaps to encourage my recovery I thought of having children. I told myself I have to survive this, so I can have children someday. I got glass in my face and still have scars around my eyes. I wonder if I was ever in danger of dying from that? Being hit by a car is pretty serious. The driver didn't even stop. If I got glass in my face the windscreen must have broken or cracked. Seems a bit hard to drive like that. You've just run down a thirteen year old schoolgirl, what's the next thing you do? Stop to see if you've killed her and panic like hell? You carry on driving, of course! After I came out of hospital I went down to the police station so they could ask me what I remembered? The answer? Let's see, I have suffered head trauma after he most traumatic thing that has ever happened to me. Do I remember what colour the car was and the number plate or do I have amnesia about that entire day? The police kept repeating the same question. What do you remember? Tell us anything you can remember? I guess they had very little to go on, but I am about as helpful as a chocolate teapot. However, I heard that the driver handed himself in. After a story about it appeared in the local paper maybe. I don't know. I was only 13. I don't even know his name or anything. I guess he felt guilty afterall. From what I was told I walked out from behind the school bus as he was overtaking (the bus was stationary) I didn't see him coming and he didn't see me.

I have talked about many things and am going to go and try to think cheerful thoughts now.
x

2010-12-06T12:14:00.000Z

I like this photo. Does that make me a pervert?

2010-11-26T22:47:00.000Z

Explicit image below! Do not look at it if you are offended by topless women!

No, I am not in it (just in case you were wondering!)

I swiped it off the net someplace.I did a google image search and this was one of the results.

I won't tell you what I was searching for (you can come to your own conclusions!)

I like this photo, it's kinda hot. Thinking the chick on the left may have fake tits, or she is just very perky!

I have no idea what the words covering the photo are or where it came from. Google had it.

Can you please stop leaving spam comments in Greek?

I don't fucking read Greek, it's meaningless gibberish to me!

Oh man, I haven't been on here since forever!

2010-11-25T12:57:00.000Z

Still at my parents, but I don't want to talk about that anymore.
I saw a relate councellor (don't know how to spell that word properly!) last week and going again tomorrow. It's to discuss everything in the hope that she can offer some useful advice and help me to resolve a few things.

Jon and I don't get to see each other hardly ever, but despite that we are in a pretty good place (relationship wise) right now. Under the circumstances. He is sharing a flat with the woman that he went out with after I left him. She likes him and still wants to get back together. That must have been her motivation for offering to flat share with him. He's not interested. He sleeps on her couch and she has the only bedroom. He says she pesters him to split with me and get back with her. But on the up side, living there is much better than the dump his brother calls home. I trust him, of course. If I didn't I'd loose my mind!
I'd like for us to give things another go properly, but it's not so simple. He lives in Ipswich and I in Norwich, which are miles apart for one thing. Our sons are settled in school here, good schools and their friends are here. I'm hesitant to look at pulling them away from that. But Jon's older son from his previous relationship is in his town, as is his job and all his relatives. It's an awkward situation.
Neither of us have a car. I can drive but he can't.
Not only that but my parents can't stand him (due to the previous turmoil in our relationship) and don't know we are on such good terms.
Me and him have forgiven and forgotten the past, but I don't think my parents are capable of that.

It's coming up to christmas and I'm struggling to buy presents for everyone without running up minor debts.
But I'll get there. I always get by somehow. God, I need a job! But there isn't many out there. I've been applying though, and getting turned down left, right and center. Now my kids are a little older and both in school I feel uselss, just sitting at home doing nothing.

I have sent off the first three chapters of a story of mine to a literary agent to see if they are interested. It's the first time I've ever pursued publishing any of my work. I'm hopeful, but know they could easily be not interested. I'll let you know what response I get.

It's my birthday today!

2010-03-15T16:57:00.000Z

March fifteenth and I'm 29 years old. Yay!
It's not fair, my birthday should not be this stressful.
I like being with Three for my phone contract. My latest one expired last week and I don't want to get an upgrade, I just want to start over with a new contract. In january I wrote a letter to Three asking them to terminate my contract when it came to the end of the term. I got a phone call from an agent confirming reciept of my letter. But she did not tell me weather she was going to terminate my contract, she tried to sell me an upgrade. I said I wasn't ready to look at that yet and didn't want to. She didn't care. She insisted that I look at the deals available so that she could ring me back the next day and discuss. I agreed to that just to get rid of her and then refused to answer when she rang me for the next few days.
A week ago on sunday I went online and ordered a new phone/contract through the company's website. Only I never got any email confirmations or letter about any of it and the phone was not delivered on the day the website said it would be. I went into the Three store to try and sort this out and things just got worse.
I found out that I have to give thirty days notice BY PHONE to end my contract. I wish she'd have f'ing told me that before!
A saleman in the store phoned up the company on his phone and we tried to fix things.
The phone I ordered online was pending or something and I got that sorted, kind of.
When I spoke to customer services to try and arrange the contract termination she said she could give me a good upgrade deal and insisted I let her tell me the options. She cleverly worded things so that I'd agree on a new deal, which I stupidly did without fully realising what I was doing. At the end when I remembered about the other phone, the one I wanted and I tried to ask her about it she got confused and rambled on about something else. Then said is there anything else I can help you with?
Yes, you can roll up and die, cause I f'ing hate your stupid ass! But I didn't say that.
So now I have two deals. The phone I want that I ordered online. This is apparently on hold and won't be dispatched. And the upgrade she sold me that I don't really want. Which is being delivered tomorrow.
I phoned up to try and cancel the phone that's coming tomorrow and was told I can't. I have to refuse the delivery and then ring back to try and sort out closing my account for the contract which expired last week, but has now been renewed and upgraded.
If I wasn't looking at paying money I wouldn't ring that bitch up again for a million bucks!
I am left SO angry, frustrated, furious and upset. I'd like to reach down the phone and throttle that stupid saleswoman. She doesn't give a damn about what I want at all! She doesn't care that I don't want whatever good deal she can sell me.
Back in january she said, but I can give you a very good deal that you won't get in store or online.
I though yes, but I'm not ready to think about a new contract yet and don't want to look.
Maybe I don't want a good deal. I'm actually happy with an okay deal that I can get from online.
She can go fuck herself. I really wanted to shout at her and ruin her day, like she's ruined mine.
I don't know how I could be so calm and polite when inside I was just burning with fury.
So now things are even more messed up than they were yesterday. It leads me to ask myself is it really worth all the hastle?
I like the security of a contract. That's why I go for them instead of pay as you go. When my contract comes to the end of it's term I like to get a new one, with a new phone, instead of upgrading.
It just should not be this stressful. It's not fair that I have to deal with this on my fucking birthday!
I chose to go into town today cause I stupidly thought the absent new phone I asked for could be easily sorted out. How could I think a simple thing like chasing down a hung up online order could be far from complicated?
If I have to speak to that woman again I don't know if I can bite my tongue. I almost hope that I do get to speak to her and after she sorts out my issue, I can recall how angry she made me feel and just give her a piece of my mind. I haven't felt this furious in as long as I can remember. I want to ruin her day and make her feel bad cause it would feel good. Revenge is sweet!
I've just been calling her any derrogitory name you can think of this morning and then I tried not to think about it anymore so I wouldn't be stressed all afternoon.

So it's my birthday and that is the thing that matters/bothers me the most today. Isn't that sad?

Bras and Stuff

2010-03-08T12:12:00.002Z

I have been having a bra nightmare. The two that I brought six to twelve months ago (I can't remember how long I've had them now) don't fir properly. Since I was ill last October (spent several weeks in bed) I have not worn a bra. Didn't wear one while I was laid up in bed and when I recovered just found them too uncomfortable. The end result is unpleasant droppyness. I bit the bullet and got fitted on saturday (in John Lewis). I don't recommend them. The bra I was fitted with felt tight, but I didn't say anything cause it's ment to be tight, but after a few hours of wear it left red marks under my breasts across the front of my chest. The shop won't refund either cause the bra now looks worn. Spent time crying about it. I hate bras so much. I really wish I didn't have to wear one at all! Got fitted in M&S today and they are much better. Was fitted with a completely different size to the fitting in John Lewis. Felt more comfortable, but they don't have the size I need in the colour I'd prefer. It's such a new bra I can't even order the one I want yet. So again I'm braless! Probably not a pleasant though, sorry.
That's all that's bugging me right now really.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WILL YOU LOT STOP SPAMMING ME? I DON'T WANT TO ADVERTISE ANY OF YOUR SHIT!
Thank you x

Sex and Relationships

2009-12-20T11:11:00.000Z

I've discovered the difference between love and sex. Not such a big breakthrough perhaps. There is this guy that I know. To say we're dating would be stretching the truth cause he's not reliable enough to actually go through with a date. He wants me. If I did him (for me) it would just be plain sex, no emotional involvement. I don't love him or anything, but we have brilliant chemistry. That's why I can't do it with him though. As a woman, I need that emotional bond before I can jump into bed with a guy. Doing it with love feels so much better. I don't know how much sense this makes, but it feels good to put pen to paper (so to speak) with it. This guy is someone I have had a relationship with in the past. He still wants me, I guess.

I feel disconnected from people. I don't let anyone into my head very often. It's a defensive tactic to prevent myself getting hurt. I try not to share with my parents if I can help it. Mum's feedback about anything always tends to feel like criticism. Now I can take criticism, but not all the time over everything. I also feel like she treats me like I'm stupid. Outside my family I have little contact with anyone. I find myself avoiding conversation with other mums and dads at school if I can help it because the idea of talking with them scares me.I would have to think of things to say, whilst trying to not appear rude and do the normal things people do when they converse. I don't know what's up with me. Strangely I feel closest to Jon (my ex) He is still my best friend in many ways. I know I love him (and he always claims to love me) but I am doubtful we can have a proper relationship. I can't/don't want to have sex with him anymore and he does with me. It is a very important part of a relationship for him. He could not be with me again if that was not part of the relationship. (I know this cause we have talked about it in the past and he said as much.

What hope is there for me? Stuck with my sons at my parents house and no man to love completely. I'm not one of those women who need a man to make her feel complete. But I crave that social norm. To be settled down in a nice house with a nice man and with children (I already have those but would also like more) and just being happy with everything. I should be happy with what I've got and I am, but it's not enough. I don't want this life. I want to live in the USA and to be an american and to be married to an American guy. THAT is my hope deep down, what I want out of life. But I don't have a chance in hell of that really. I don't know what my obsession with the united states is about, but it's always there. Perhaps I was an american in a past life or something and the memories of that are so joyful or whatever that they have been imprinted on my soul and the love for that country has been carried over into this life. Who knows? Maybe god does.

Christmas is coming...........

2009-12-15T14:06:00.000Z

Hey there. I have not kept my blog for a while, just been busy with everything else. Still at my parents house. Am in gold band on the housing list but generally come second or third for the properties that I'm interested in and of course the people ahead of me take them. Sometimes I wish life was simpler.
I don't really have any money and it's all my own fault, but I don't want to go into that. It'll be okay.

I'm still wierd when it comes to talking to people. The other day my sister came over with her boyfriend. He's lovely and always great with my sons. But I failed miserably when he said hello to me. I smiled and nothing more. He probably didn't even see me smile. Then I felt embarrassed because he'd think I'm rude or ignoring him. I didn't know how to deal with the situation after that. He's my sister's bloke and a nice guy and I don't want him to think I'm strange or don't like him. I am terrible like that regularly. I fail to even manage a normal greeting or don't get into conversation or anything with him.

I wonder what the point of life is. I think I'm getting depressed. I don't want that to happen! Maybe it's just the time of year. Many people get depressed at christmas. I am estranged from life right now.

I have tried to begin a new story but I feel a bit lost with it. I think that reflects my mindset at the moment, a bit lost. Writing is easy and the thing I love doing most in the world. But it's also hard. Anyone can invent a story, but only some can invent a GOOD story. So far what I've written sounds kind of promising. But it's aimless. My last project had an idea at the heart of it and that idea was the momentum that kept it going. This one is just a vague beginning and so far it lacks the driving idea to push it along. I just started it because I feel the need to create (kind of like vampires feel the need to drink blood)

I still hate my parents. (So what else is new?) I think I hate them because my biggest fear is turning into a bastard like my father. But it's no doubt in the blood. I will be just as he is. Also the influence he has on my sons will one day (maybe) turn them into bastards like him too. I don't want that to happen either. But whatever will be will be. I try not to worry about what I can't change, but it's in my nature.

I dream about my future. Sometimes I wonder if the future is set or if it changes with people minds. If something is decided and then someone changes their mind, that decided thing is wrong. But perhaps the person was always ment to change their mind, so the first future was never going to be true. Make any sense at all? Anyway, I know I dream of my future because periodically I have a vague sense of deja vu. The cause is a dream I had ages ago. It happens every now and then and I've kinda got used to it now. Something really bizarre for you right.

When my parents first moved into their current house I noticed how there is a small cupboard under the stairs. I have what I think is a genuine memory of me and one of my younger sisters playing in a cupboard just like this one at the house where we grew up. I said to mum about this. Do you remember there was a cupboard like this at our old house and me and my sister used to lovee to play in it, but we weren't allowed? She replied that there was never such a cupboard and she has no such memory. At the time of this my two sons were babies. You know what? My boys are now 5 and 7 years old and they love to play in that cupboard, but my parents say they aren't allowed. I think either my mum's memory is faulty or I had a future memory belonging to my sons. (Or maybe one of them rather than a joint memory)

My love life is non existent also. I have been in touch (or he's been in touch with me) with a guy I used to date. The sexual chemistry is still there, yet I feel nothing else for him. I don't if our relationship can actually go anywhere. I also still love my ex (father of my kids ex) But I can't make love to him anymore. Not since he raped me (years ago) At least that's where I put the blame, seems resonable. I like him and like his company, as long as there is no danger of us getting intimate. And that's no way to have a relationship. I enjoy sex when my heart's in it. I need it too. But I'm just such a (I've forgotten the word that mean what I'm trying to say! Fuck!)

And christmas. Mmm. Not prepared yet. Still need to shop. Don't want to cause it's so freezing cold and cause I'm broke.

Do I have to give it a title?

2009-10-12T20:55:00.000+01:00

Anon: Whatever! Talk to the hand, baby. I ain't listening no more!

So, I have a viewing for a council house on Wednesday. I am third in line for it. If it's good and neither of the other two have taken it it might look good. My dad is pissed about it though. Last time we talked about that kind of thing I said I'd tell them (I can't remember what exactly). I forgot to. My mind is in such a muddle. Maybe I ought to be blonde! You know? Sometimes it's that bad. (I am a natural brunette)
But he's got me worrying. Things should not be this way! I should be living with my sons like normal people do and we should be doing great. Instead we are living with my parents. Maybe anyone else would be happy with things as they are, but I'm not. My parents have taken upon themselves maybe 50% of the parenting responsibility of my kids. We have got used to the way things are now and cause it's my parents I don't know how to get it back. They verbally beat me down as a kid. I am a lesser person than them and their opinions should not be taken lightly. I don't want to screw my kids lives up, but sometimes worry that I am doing just that. I was miserable all my teen years due to cohabiting with my parents. I sank into deep depression. I moved on to have an average relationship with my boys father and came back to my parents when things didn't work out with him. I did it cause that is what I needed at that time, but I quickly begun to regret it. I soon remembered how miserable living with them had been for me. I hate it that I have dragged my kids into the same home. I don't know how to deal with any of this stuff!
Four years later we're still here. My dad tried to make me feel bad by talking like we are going to die, rather than move a few streets away! It will be a great shock for my parents and feel like when their dog died, aparently. They might even move into a small house if it's just the two of them. On the one hand I don't care. On the other it has me insecure. What if I can't cope with my sons on our own? When they misbehave they don't listen to me because my parents are more severe with them. Therefore have gained a certain amount of compliance through fear. I don't agree with that. What if I can't cope financially? What if our life turns to hell? Dad thinks my boys will be upset at being seperated from them. We've been here for years now. But it should never have got to this stage in the first place! That we are so dependant on my folks. I am I just being very independant minded or just stubourn and stupid? I am still depressed to a certain degree. Stopped taking my meds a couple of months ago cause I don't like being dependant on drugs and I hate how anti d's make you feel. I can feel the depression kicking in again this week though. Funnily enough only after my dad has spoken with me. I'm insecure. Too insecure and unconfident. I often (back in my teens) used to wish I'd died when I got hit by that car. And somedays I find those thoughts creeping back in. Even though I have kids now. At the time of the accident I survived due to the willpower to live. I wanted to live to have kids one day. Now I sometimes wonder if they would have been better off not being born to me. Am I just screwing them up? My biggest insecurities are about motherhood. I'm sure any parent could relate to that. I don't mean to sound selfish if that's how some of this comes across. My kids are brilliant and I love them dearly. I wish for them to grow up into good, well balanced, secure young men. I don't ever want them to feel messed up and unsure like I do. Especially due to anything I have done, or not done.

I don't know if I've mentioned being hit by a car anywhere on my blog previously. It happened when I was 13 years old and I can't remember a thing about it. I was waiting for the school bus wearing my new black cardigan because I loved it so much. I have put together a picture of what happened from what other people said. (I asked about it, cause I needed to know) The bus came and we all got on. Now the driver was friendly with some kids who always sat up front (I wasn't one of them). That morning one of these kids was not present and she lived just across the road from where the bus picked us up. He asked if someone would go and knock on her door. (She could have just been late) They said no. (The guilt they must have felt afterwards!) It fell to me and being the good natured soul I am I said I'd go. I think I checked behind the bus first cause I'd do that before trying to cross. A car coming from behind the bus ran me down as I crossed and it didn't even stop at the scene. I think it was red (I don't know where that came from but it's what I have in my mind right at this moment, that the car was red) I got glass in my face around my eye from the windscreen and a fucking great lump on my right thigh (where the impact was) I think I was told later that I got thrown completely over the car. It happened on a Friday morning and I was comatose all weekend. I have a vague recollection of a moment in the ambulance where the paramedic asked me to tell him where it hurt. I replied all over (or maybe 'everywhere' I'm not sure) He asked me to be more specific and I said my shoulder hurt. I was distressed cause he had to cut off my clothes. (My new cardigan! I was most upset that it got cut up) I'd just got run over and I was more worried about my clothes! I know. Remember I was only 13. My legs were incredibly weak for a long time after I came home from hospital. I'm fine now though. No lasting damage really. Unless you count the bang on the head. I was not checked for brain damage according to my mum because 'I came back to them as the same person I had been before' It could have messed up my brain a little and nobody would have a clue. I'd rather have been assessed for damage thanks!

I'm just insecure and unconfidant and wonder what the point of being here is. I ought to go back to the doctor and have a chat really. He doesn't know I've stopped taking the medication. He does know I don't like taking it though. I just wish there was a better way! I'm depressed. Oh here take these pills! It doesn't help! It makes me feel tired and drowsy all the time and well, like I'm drugged. Funny how that works.
Anyway it's Monday night at Flash Forward is about to start. Gotta go!
x

Annonymous

2009-10-08T11:30:00.002+01:00

That's a nice way to hide who you really are, isn't it. I have no idea who you are. You could even be Phil himself! Or one of his buddies! For your information right, I didn't say I didn't want things to work out with between Phil and Lindsay. I only expressed a desire for him. He seems like a nice average guy and I wish him the best with everything.
Also I have not cheated on my ex thank you! I have had a profile on Sunsingles for ages, whatever it says on there. That does not equal a desire to cheat. Do you know me? Do you know anything about me? No! So shut the fuck up! I have NEVER cheated on a guy and I would not do that. I had a one night stand when I was single and I have had another relationship, again when I was single. Add that to my relationship with my ex that equals the sum total of my (sexual) relationships. That makes me not a slut, douchebag! You are not really worth the time and energy I have spent justifying myself to you, but I have nothing better to do right at this minute. And you will probably never even read this anyway. Did you say you googled me? I've never googled myself. Perhaps I should, I'm curious now. I have nothing to hide and am not as terrible a woman as you make me out to be/think I am.
I'd love to know who you are cause I'm curious now. If you ever see this post, please let me know annonymous. Peace, k.
x

Philip DeFranco

2009-10-04T17:14:00.002+01:00

In case you are not familiar with this man he does internet blogs and stuff on youtube and his own website and he's kinda famous.
Here is a link to is youtube profile page:
http://www.youtube.com/user/sxephil
He has a girlfriend and lives in a whole different country to me, but I don't care. I love this man. He's brilliant. Not only that but I want to fuck him. Is that messed up?
I hope not. Anyway, I don't want to spend ages going on about how cool I think he is cause that would make me wierd.
In other news me and my not ex have broken up again cause we have not been able to see each other for weeks. Maybe that's for the best maybe not. Who knows. He initiated it, even though he's still crazy about me. The main reason I tried to get back with him this time was because he got with a new girlfriend and I heard bad stuff about her, so took a dislike to her. I didn't want to see him with a woman like that. That's not as bitchy as it sounds. I have his kids I think I have a say in who he goes out with. Alright I don't, it's none of my business. They are still buddies and she wants to get back with him, so it might happen anyway. Bummer!
I don't know what else to say really. And nobody even cares what I have to say.

A short story

2009-09-05T21:58:00.003+01:00

Chris may be drunk but she sure knows what she wants.
Mark can still feel her kiss fresh on his lips as he pushes her off again.
"I don't think this is a good idea." He tells her.
"But I really fancy you." She insists, flopping down on the bed beside him.
He's not sure if she lay down on purpose or if she fell in a drunken slump. He only came in here to get a breath or fresh air! No good stepping outside, all the smokers are camped out on the doorstep. Yuck!
The music beat thumps through the walls, from the party downstairs.
Chris pulls him down and kisses him again.
He kisses her back. Her soft lips feel nice. Her long blonde hair sprawls beautifully across the pillow.
Mark sits up again.
"Come back!" She protests, with a laugh.
Its not that he doesn't fancy her, it's just that she is drunk! He's not exactly sober himself though. Looking down on her pretty face he smiles.
"You're drunk, baby." He tells her.
"Yeah, I know." Chris grins.
Then she pulls off her tight silver top, ripping it in the process.
"Oops!" She giggles.
She isn't wearing a bra.
He stares at her breasts, not sure if he should feel embarrassed about this. Chris is good mate. They've known each other for years, but it's never been romantic or intimate like this.
She pulls him in for a kiss again and pushes his hand onto her breast.
Mark fondles her, feeling her nipple react to his touch.
"How many drinks have you had?" He asks.
"Don't remember." She says.
That equals a lot, he rekons.
He kisses her, enjoying feeling her soft skin under his hand.
Chris is a fit girl. Her breasts are his favourite part, he's a tit man. He remembers dancing with her earlier. He didn't really have sexual feelings for her at the time, but she looks hot when she dances. She pressed against him too, probably thinking nothing of it.
She slips her tongue in his mouth.
He can feel her nipple is quite hard now and touches the other one.
"Mark." She says, sitting up. "Will you sit up against the headboard for me"
"Sure." He responds, getting into position. "Why?"
She kisses him, smiling and starts to unfasten his flies.
It dawns on him what she is doing, when she puts her head in his crotch.
He is a little bit hard already. When her lips make contact with his cock it feels divine.
Her warm, moist lips slide up and down his growing hard on and her tongue also touches him.
"Mmm!" He moans.
After a couple of minutes of this he feels really turned on and wants to fuck her, badly. They may be mates, but when she starts doing that it's clear she wants more. The booze may also have something to do with it, but he doesn't care right now.
"Chris, honey!" He gasps, putting a finger under her chin and tilting upwards.
She looks up at him, smiling.
"You are beautiful." Mark tells her and kisses her.
She sits up and wraps her arms round him.
Then he kisses her hard nipples, teasing them with his tongue.
This causes her to gasp and moan.
Chris lays back on the bed and spreads her legs.
"I want you, Mark." She tells him.
She has a short, tight skirt on and is not wearing any knickers.
He straddles her and she grabs hold of his hard cock, finding her entrance.
"What about a condom?" Mark says, feeling her moist warmth round the end of his cock.
"What about it?" She replies, bucking towards him.
There he was thinking all girls were into using condoms. She's either too drunk or too aroused to care. The hot warmth of her insides are too much to resist anyway.
Mark enters her and she is pretty wet.
"Mark!" She gasps with pleasure.
She's quite vocal about her enjoyment.
"Oh Chris!" He gasps, on the verge of an orgasm.
The second he feels the orgasm begin to pulsate through him, she passes out cold.
"Oh god!" Marks exclaims, gritting his teeth. "Chris?"
When he's finished he pulls out and lays beside her, trying to get his breath back.
This is not good. He thinks, looking at his unconcious friend.
He feels so tired now. He manages to turn her round so she is lying in bed properly and covers her up. Then he lays beside her on top of the covers and passes out himself.

He wakes up, feeling a terrible thumping in his head and feeling a bit sick.
Mark opens his eyes and tries to remember where he is, cause this is not his own bedroom. In fact he's not at home.
Sitting up he sees he is alone in the bedroom and the door is wide open.
What's he doing here again?
He goes downstairs and sees the reminants of a party. There are a few people passed out sleeping all over the house.
"Morning." Mumbles Lucas, in the process of pouring a cup of coffee.
"Do you mind if I have a cup of coffee, mate?" He asks, remembering this is Lucas' house.
"Sure, go for it." Lucas replies, stepping aside with his own cup.
"I feel like my heads been flattened by a steam roller!" Mark groans.
"Yeah, me too mate!" Lucas groans. "You got on really well with Chrissy last night then!"
"Huh?" Mark questions.
"You went upstairs with her, remember?"
"Not really." Mark frowns, trying to recall anything after drinking and dancing down here. "You seen her this morning?"
"No. She not upstairs?"
"Nah, she's gone mate! Woke up alone."
"That bad was it?" Smiles Lucas.
Mark can remember kissing Chris, but it's all a bit fuzzy.
He takes a sip of the burning hot cup of coffee he's just made himself.
"I hate hangovers!" Mark moans.
After finishing his cuppa, Mark heads home. While he's walking there he gets out his mobile and texts Chrissy. "Great party last night! Got the hangover from hell now. You okay?"
She sends no reply, which is unusual. She normally pings back straight away.

When he gets to his house the police are waiting for him.
He stares at the two uniformed police officers standing at his front door.
"Mark Bradley?" Questions one of the officers.
"Yes. What can I do for you?" He responds, fear biting at his insides.
"You're under arrest for the rape of Christine Michaels." The same officer says, getting out his handcuffs. "You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defense if you do not mention, when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence. Do you understand?"

I could continue with this, but I said it would be a short story. So I won't.

Do you know this man?

2009-08-14T20:33:00.002+01:00

There was once a man
His eyes were brown
His hair was curly and black
His moves were unique
He bought joy to the world
Everyone knows this guy's name
When you hear the beat and see him dance
there is no mistaking who he is
Millions love him, like no other
Many stood by him when his dream turned to a nightmare
He has three beautiful children and was a brilliant father
This man could not have attracted more attention if he was god!
I feel honoured to have shared his lifetime
He will live on in our hearts and minds, through his awesome music
He was the most beautiful person in the world
Do you know this man?

Have you any idea who I am talking about?
I am of course refering to the late, great Michael Jackson
This is my own opinion, from the heart.
(BTW, I made up this verse myself and have not copied these words from anywhere!)

God rest his soul
xxx

Same Old....

2009-06-23T19:36:00.003+01:00

I have not written on here for a while but nothing much has altered since I last did so. Only my depression has deepened. I feel trapped here. I can't afford to move out and I have one percent chance of getting a suitable council house. I am saving up but will have to put that towards a holiday for my sons. I am on the housing list but there is always people more desperate than me bidding on the decent properties. So here I am. Stuck in hell with my kids. It's not my kids that are the problem it's my parents. Perhaps I have been over this already in previous posts. I moved in with my parents back when my littlies were a baby and a toddler because I split from their dad and had nowhere else to go. At the time I was actually gripped by an illogical fear of what the future might hold for me and my partner. In actuallity I think I was leaving an open prison and walking into a lions den. Only the lions don't kill you right away. They slowly eat away at your confidence and your nerves, clawing you barely enough to draw blood. Until you can't sleep for worrying and the stress is knawing at your bones and it kills you to feel so trapped and helpless to protect your children. It is not as severe and brutal as things like the poor baby peter case, but it is almost as devestating. It's bad enough that I grew up with the way my so called parents treated me but now they are doing it to my sons and that is inexcusable.

Okay so tonight I was trying to get my boys to have a wash and get changed for bed. They were quite happily reading and playing and pretending it did not need doing right now. I took away a book that my almost seven year old was trying to look at and he said Hey! in a fairly reasonable objecting tone of voice in response. I did not mind. I thought it was a fair reaction. In response my father comes out into the hall and thumps him shouting at him not to speak to me like that. Matt (my son who got hit) starts crying and holds the side of his head saying it hurts. My mother says it didn't hurt. I'm thinking how do you know? How dare she say it doesn't hurt! Does she know what he's feeling? I wanted nothing more than to hold Matt and comfort him. He wants my comfort too. But I cheerfully talk to him as I try to help him change. It breaks my heart not to help him. I was afraid to hug him and give him the comfort he so badly needed because I did not want to give my father any more reason to be angry. He frown on hugging them whenever they are crying. He thinks me and my mum do it too much and that it encourages them to cry when they don't need to and for longer than necessary. He's a cold heartless bully and I hate him. I hate being related to him and I hate having to share a house with him. I hate having to spend any time in the same room as him. And you know the best part? My parents appear to think their behaviour is normal and perfectly okay. They don't even have any idea how I feel. I would break their cold hearts to know the depth of my true feelings for them. Way back when I was a little girl I used to love my dad and look forward to when he came home for lunch, the rare times I was not at school. That affection has long since dissapated. I have not talked about why I hate my mother in this post but I could list a dozen depressing reasons or incidents to illustrate why.

My earliest memory is when I must have been only three or four years old. Very small. Something happened that caused me to run from the living room and flee upstairs to my room gripped by insane fearful panic. I recall hysterically yelling in fear No daddy don't hit me! No daddy! No! As he pursued me up the stairs. This only caused my fear to escalate of course. I ran into my room and shut the door standing behind it trying to hold it shut, whilst crying hysterically. He tried to gain entry which made me more distressed. He told me Have I ever hit you? Have I ever hit you? The answer was no, but it took a long time till I calmed down. I don't actually remember a time in my life since then when I have ever been so scared.

My parents are abusive and the abuse is tearing me apart. I can't say what effect it has on my two sons, but it is going to be negative. Worse case scenario they grow up into monsters. I'd hope they have too much of me and their daddy in them for that though, and that I have taught them to know better. But the abuse is not severe enough that social services can do anything or criminal enough that the police can do anything. Besides I am an adult too. But what can I do? I'm fucking stuck here! So it's just me and them. Left here to rot. Out on a limb all by ourselves. I get afraid sometimes that my mum is going to hurt Matt. I mean more than usual, seriously hurt him. Or maybe even kill him. Is that what were waiting for? My sons have to be dead or bleeding before anyone takes notice? Well I'd rather keep them alive and breathing if it's all the same. I have to stop now before I start crying and falling apart. No chance I'll get a good nights sleep tonight after what my father did.

Ah, where do I begin...............?

2009-01-07T19:58:00.002Z

Don't know what to say. Have taken two potentially drastic steps. Number one I have written an anonymous letter to the national newspaper that I read basically slating my parents and detailing all the shit that goes on at home. Nothing may come of it anyway. Depends what action the paper decides to take on it. It was a desperate plea for help really and a determination to announce the wrongs that are happening here. Number two I have initiated contact with the police regarding the abuse my parents dish out. I am just totally scared. My dad is going to be so furious if/when he finds out what I've done. But at the same time I have had enough. I don't have the guts to stand up to my dad directly, but so long as it can be done without putting myself or my two children in danger I am ready to stop him. By whatever means necessary. I am sick of witnessing how he scares my young sons and how my mum hurts them when she hits them. I need to save them from more harm. I don't want them to grow up into either timid little men or angry violent ones. I just hope that I am doing the right thing, mainly about involving the police in this. That is a huge step. I have not only the three of us to consider, but also my two younger sister. Both are grown up and one no longer lives at home. They get on way better with mum and dad than I do and the youngest one is at university and still partly financially dependant on our parents. I am worried about upsetting the uneasy balance of life at home, unbalancing the routine we have. Because I don't know how the change (whatever change I have put us in for) will impact on my boys. Also I don't know how my parents will react. When I do things they disapprove of (like getting together with my ex, who is my boys father) I usually get an ear bashing. Long lectures at high volume about what an idiot I am, etc. Dad likes to label me as a drama queen. This thing I am kicking off with the police is the biggest thing I have ever done and it scares me to think how furious my dad will be with me. But it needs to be done. I feel this may be the only way of freeing my children and myself from my parents grasp. My relationship with them is similar to one between an abused partner and his/her abuser. It is my parents house and they have taken the dominating role with raising my sons. I have been desperate to get out of here for a long time, but have so far been unable to. I am on the council housing list and started bidding on properties. I got a couple of viewings. But at that time my youngest was still in pre school which is only part time. Therefore I had to share with my parents where I was going and why when viewing the properties. They began being as unsupportive as possible and did their utmost to talk me out of it. To prevent months of arguments and bad mouthing I pretended I had given up looking. You know how my dad asked me?
Is this moving out thing all done with now?
Bastard! As if I am a fucking teenager or something! I'm 27 years old. In fact when I first had to tell them I was seriously looking at moving out my dad asked me
What about the boys?
I was like, what about them? We will be fine, don't worry. I am ready to move out now. He said
Are you taking them with you?
I was fucking gobsmacked! How dare he! I know for sure what a lousy parent they have me down as now. When I came to them my littlest was a baby and my other son a mere toddler. You know what? They were well behaved, good little boys. Still are. While they have grown in this volatile atmosphere they have changed. And I blame my parents faulty parenting skills completely. My eldest is an angry, temperamental, moody little boy. My other one is prone to regular accidents even though he was toilet trained at least a year ago. He cries and says he doesn't like grandad putting him to bed and I don't fucking blame him. He traumatises and scares my boys. I feel powerless to stop him cause he scares me too. I hate that I have managed to give him so much power and am now unable to take it back. My boys father is a good man and a good daddy. I wish we were still together. I'd go back to him in a second if I thought it were that simple. My parents hate the air he breathes. They'd rather see me dead than with him again, that much I am sure of. I'd rather see my parents six feet under to be honest! But I won't go there. I don't really mean anything by it. I'd never act on it or anything. I am still seeing him again, but in secret from my parents. They think I am dating someone completely different, whom they have never met. I have learnt my lesson there! I love him and we have worked out everything between us. The reasons why I left and such. We have forgiven and forgotten and are prepared to move on. I am damned if I am going to let my parents stop me seeing him. If they don't know they won't hassle me about it. Sorted! Only downside is I can't talk about it with anyone. Most of all our sons can't know because they might talk about it.

On one hand I hope I am doing the right thing by going to the police about my parents abuse. On the other I know it has to be the right thing to do. Going to the police about something is only ever wrong if you have a complete fabrication and are only wasting their time. I am certainly not doing that. It is all 100% true. Then why am I so scared?

So anyway........

2008-12-11T12:42:00.002Z

I have not posted on here for a while. Things are okay with me. Still living at my parents, but it is a little more bareable at the moment. My dad seems to be keeping more of a lid on himself. He just practically lives at work at the moment. Perhaps that's his way of dealing with it. I am throwing myself into working on writing one of my stories and playing Grand Theft Auto: Vice City in my spare time. Perhaps as a distraction, I don't know.

It's close to christmas now and I feel so unprepared! I just need to get off my ass and start serious christmas shopping. I don't have presents for anybody but my boys yet! And time is running out.

I am getting on well with my ex. Still refer to him in that way, even though we are committed to each other at the moment. Perhaps it is just a demonstration of my uncertainty. (I should have done psychology, I am always trying to look for the meaning behind everything!) Been seeing each other every few weeks, well maybe more like every six weeks!

My boys are doing great though.

Don't know what else to say. Life is so complicated, ain't it?
x

2008-08-26T13:07:00.002+01:00

Thanks, Mark. Your advice means a lot. It's nice to have some outside input, you know?

My life drives me crazy sometimes. I feel like I'm not always in control of my own destiny. I have unwillingly given over partial control to my parents and I don't know how to get it back! It's ridiculous really. I'm a fully grown woman, a parent and suddenly feeling so reliant on my parents. I hate it! My dad can be so controlling. That is my biggest problem. I am scared to stand up to him and say this is what I want so deal with it! Saying something like that with the right attitude is just not my style. I'm too shy and timid for that. Besides I'm intimidated by him and scared of him. But I want to get out of the house perminantly so badly! And not just for my sake, but my kids too. (I may be repeating myself a little here)

Perhaps the need to escape has something to do with my obsession with America. I feel reluctant to admit it in this way, but I have strong urges to visit New York City. I have felt this way for a long time and feel too restricted by my finances and personal situation to act on it. By a long time I mean years. I feel like the United States is where I truely belong and have felt that way for as long as I can recall. But at the same time I feel crazy for feeling that way. It can't be normal. I know I'm not alone though. Many people around the world still see the US as the great land of opportunity. When in reality it is just another country with it's own set of problems, just like every other place in the world. But I will certainly go there one day. Even if it just for a short holiday. What am I talking about, that's all I can go there for anyway. I have nothing to offer her. I can only be a tourist. That is better than nothing though. I am so heartsick over it. I feel homesick for America, honestly. That's crazy right? Maybe I'm ready for the men in white coats.
Oh look! Here they come now! lol

Catch ya later x

2008-07-16T12:54:00.002+01:00

Thanks, Daemon fairy. My boyfriend does not have the same anger issues, but there is a host of issues all of our own. For starters my parents don't even like him! So it is difficult for us to be together. And I have intimacy issues with him. I love sex and everything, but I just never want to do it with him. We do fine together now though apart from the fact I never want to do it with him. I'll be fine. I am really tired today. I can't write more right now, too tired. I'm just drained. I want more than anything to be happy and for my sons to be happy. My parents think that my kids are better off here with them because I am not a fit mother alone. They have not said so much in those words but have managed to imply that. It does wonders for my already low confidence in my parenting skills. I said to my parents a while back that I was seriously considering moving out. I had been bidding on council properties on the housing list. My parents didn't like the idea they don't think I'm ready. It is good having them around because they help care for my sons, but the trade off is putting up with the abuse. I want to seek outside help but I don't think there is anyone I can go to about this. Nobody cares that much.

Mmmm so what's new?

2008-07-14T10:58:00.002+01:00

God sometimes I hate my life! Perhaps I'm just being too harsh. It's a beautiful day and I should be happy. I am worried about stuff. So worried. My eldest son is moody and a real problem. He is difficult and he's only six! I'm worried about where his problems stem from. I live with my parents and my two small sons. When I moved out before I had my kids I was SO depressed. I think the deep depression was a side effect of living with my parents. I couldn't wait to get out. I feel like I'm being nasty though because they are my parents after all. And now I'm back here again! Only this time I have my babies in tow! I have been worried for them for months. My dad can be scary. He shouts a lot and is very forceful about stuff. I'm scared of him! But I'm stuck here. This house is not a healthy environment for my children. Too much stress and anger and shouting goes on. If we (the adults) let our anger get the better of ourselves how are we going to teach my sons to take it easy? Perhaps none of this is making sense. My boys lack a good male rolemodel. My dad is not good enough for that. I think he has anger issues personally. He always loses his temper over anything and he has to be right all the time. I don't like the way my boys get manhandled when they don't behave. My mum smacks them and I don't like that at all. Sometimes she smacks them across the head. It really upsets me! My eldest son goes off on one when something doesn't go his way. He shouts and screams and throws things if there is something to hand and occasionally kicks out or scratches. I am starting to have problems getting him into school now! It is a good school and everyone there is really nice and he gets on well. I think he's happy there. Suddenly I can't get him throught the front gate. I don't know what to do. I want to leave my parents house more than anything but I feel trapped. It probably sounds daft cause I'm an adult and everything. It's complicated. I'm just so depressed about all this! When things didn't work out with my ex I came back here but what a big mistake that was! Maybe that's why I went back to him, I see him as some kind of doorway out of here. We are going away in my parents caravan in a few weeks (me, my boys and my parents) What fun that will be! I just need to go to a happy place now.
Please feel free to leave me advice comments or opinions or whatever. I could use some.
Thanks for listening x

The Great Unknown

2008-06-23T19:09:00.002+01:00

I feel like there is something missing in my life. I have no idea what. I have just had this strange sense lately that there is some great void in my life. It leaves me feeling empty and sad. I eat chocolate and yet this does not ease the emptiness (strange that!)

I guess it will become clear at some point. Maybe I am just missing somebody. The universe has plans, I am certain. I hope it makes it's self known pretty soon. My waist is expanding by the hour and I don't like it!

I sit in my bedroom of an evening and feel empty and lost. My magazines and books do not fill the void. I am not in the mood for anything, but don't want to just sit feeling empty and sad. Perhaps there is just something amiss in my bedroom. A little feng shui mishap, or something.

Love to you all (whoever may read this!)
xxx

Me and my ex

2008-05-22T14:20:00.002+01:00

Not much to report, even after months of no posts!

I have much personal stuff I can discuss though.

I am back with my ex. I love him deeply and can't believe we screwed up our relationship so badly before. The big issue is that my parents can't stand him and his parents don't think much of me either come to think of it. We have a long on/off history which I won't go into right now. But we know we want to be together and not revisit our past mistakes. We even have two children together. I have been living with my parents for at least three years now and my boys are aged four and six years. My parents have taken quite an involved role in bringing up my kids alongside me, so they feel like parents to my sons too. I mentioned to them that I am thinking about looking to move out and they would feel the loss. I don't have time to write as long a post as I'd like to right now, but I'll be back. I just don't know how we are going to move in together again in the future under the current circumstances.

I will expand on the above in a few days or whenever I can.

Failure Is Not An Option

2008-01-28T13:34:00.001Z

I was right about why I failed the medical. I got a letter from the force doctor confirming what I thought, later that same week. I can wait two years and apply again. Providing that I have no need to receive anti depressants or depression related counciling at any time during the next couple of years. I will certainly do that. I intend to apply again in the future, assuming that my feeling about joining up remain the same. I just hope conditions in the force have improved a little by then. Lol. But I won't hold out any great hopes.

My Interview

2008-01-16T10:43:00.000Z

Thanks for your support guys. It means a lot. But I have some bad news. I got a phone call from my local police station yesterday afternoon, a few hours before I was due to sit the interview. She told me that they'd been notified that I failed my medical, so they can't proceed with the interview. I was disappointed to say the least. I have a suspicion that I failed due to my history of depression. I am waiting on some kind of confirmation from occupational health about why I failed. I hope I'm not waiting in vain. I was under the impression that I passed all the tests at the medical. The doctor wanted to get a statement from my doctor about my history of depression. The woman I spoke to on the phone yesterday suggested that I wait six months and try again if I want to re apply. I will certainly do that. I am not put off by any means. I'm just sad that I failed due to my past. Assuming I am right about why I failed, of course!
I'm still determined to get into that job though. I'll just give it time and try again.

Today

2008-01-11T10:19:00.000Z

It's friday again. I have an interview this coming tuesday to get into the force as a special. I can't believe how long this is taking. The first interview I blew cause my nerves got the better of me and I couldn't function. Another one was set up cause I got lucky and have not blown my chances completely. But I got sick and was too ill to attend, so it was rearranged again. I hope I will make it this time. I know I can do it. At least in my minds eye I see myself sitting through the interview and being fine and passing it. IRL is a different matter though. I was just a little intimidated having to sit with two uniformed officers. Not only that but high ranking ones too! Ever since I can remember I have felt a little scared/intimidated by police in uniform. I am not so much so now than I was as a kid. Which is good. I never had good reason for those feelings either. I have never been in trouble with the police or anything. And strangely I have always wanted to be one also. So here I go. I'm trying to become one. My mum thinks I am not cut out for this job though and said she hopes I don't get in. That does wonders for my feelings, as you can imagine. But I'm not going to give up on this for any reason like that. If I make it, I make it. If they say I'm not right for it, that's fine too. I'll move on and look in a different direction. Mum could be right, but there is only one way to find out for sure. I belive I can handle the job and I am perfectly capable of doing it. I just need to make the interview. I'm going to try to keep my nerves in check this time. I will be fine. I will get back to you after the interview.

It's official, I have anger problems!

2007-11-28T12:39:00.000Z

Okay, something happened this morning and it has left me boiling with fury, like a frothing kettle. There is this woman whose head I would LOVE to cave in! Seriously!
Let me start at the beginning...........
I went into my local shop with my three year old son after collecting him from preschool. I was getting stamps and something tasty for him. I went to the counter to ask for some stamps and told him to go and pick something. He brought a little chocolate bar up and placed it on the counter. The cashier told him to put it back, thinking he wasn't allowed anything and he did. I didn't say anything for a moment as I was stunned by this. When he was over by the sweeties after returning the bar I told him it was okay and to get something. So he brought a different thing up to the till and began to cry. I hugged him and began to feel angry at the woman. I went back to the sweetie display to get the thing he had chosen first and he followed me to say that he wanted his second choice, still crying. So I bought the box of candy stick he picked second and my stamps and left. All the way home I was boiling with fury. I wanted to go back in that shop and shout at her, call her insulting names and kick up a fuss. Maybe even punch her. I had the urge to vandalise parked cars that my sons and I walked past on the way home, just to vent my fury. But I held it in. I definately have anger issues! Some of you might say I don't cause I have the strength to hold it in and not act on my anger. But what happens when the day comes and something happens where I can no longer contain it and lash out? Where will I be then?
Don't answer that. I can imagine where I'd be. It concerns me that something so trivial can get me so worked up. I guess everyone has theri triggers. In fact, I am still a little bit pissed off right now. But I will cool down soon enought I guess. Just so long as I don't go back in that shop later, when I collect my older son from school.......

I'm still here!

2007-11-27T18:07:00.000Z

I have no idea if anyone has even been reading my posts. I have been pretty busy the last couple of months and don't have much to report really. I passed the interview stage of my specials application. I have a medical in a couple of weeks and should hear about the training course, due to begin sometime in february.

I have spent my spare time plugging away at my story. And I'm not sure that I have written anything of much worth. I want my stories to be really good. And I want people to read them and think 'wow, yeah that's excellant!' But until I can read them without noticing the faults and inconsistencies I am too nervous to show them to anybody else. Should anyone even care enough to read them and give me their opinions! I am scared of failure. My stories are very personal to me and mean a lot. (As you can probably tell!) I'd love to get something published one day, but am such a perfectionist when it comes to my writing! And I probably need to be, especially if I am attempting to become some kind of proffesional writer. Writing good stories is actually very challenging and difficult. I guess that's part of the appeal for me. And besides, if it were that easy everybody would be doing it!

I didn't mean to spend so long rambling on about my writing. And I realise that I sound very appologetic in my discussion back there.

I'll see you again soon. (I hope!)

What is the world coming to?

2007-08-31T20:06:00.000+01:00

I haven't posted on here for weeks. I've been pretty busy with things.

I have had an interview for becoming a special. And I dutifully fecked it up. I was way more nervous than anticipated and my brain refused to be quick off the mark when responding to the questions. The good news is that I made a good enough impression with my confidence and stuff that the chief inspectors will see me again. I get a second shot at the interview, yay! I just hope I do better this time. I know I can do it. If I fuck it up for myself I will kick my own ass. My interview is in a couple of weeks.

There is a lot of crap going on in the country at the moment. Makes me think I must be crazy to want to get into the police, in light of such an agressive society. I don't really want to comment on the state of things. Prison officers going on strike over their pay, gun crime worse than it ever was in New York City, dad's taken out for defending their families and homes, etc, etc.
I think we are heading for a new civil war or something! Can you tell me we're not?
Nobody trusts the govenment (if we ever did), nobody gets fair pay except the MP's themselves. We are killing ourselves here and there is not a damn thing anybody is doing about it!

I think the world its self is on some sort of self destruct cycle now. We've kicked the planets butt so much it is waving the white flag in surrender. Hence the fucked up weather and confussed wildlife (sharks in british waters, etc). Global warming is taking control of things. The sea levels will dutifully rise away and the polar ice caps are beginning to melt into oblivian already. Before you know it we will have killed ourselves or have vanished under a scortching water planet.

Did I say I didn't want to talk about the state of the world today? I guess I do.

x

World Trade Center Rebuild

2007-07-31T13:12:00.000+01:00

If any of you are interested enough or care enough to contribute your opinions to this, please check out this link.

http://www.petitiononline.com/wtc911/petition.html

The above is a petition to rebuild twin towers, similar to how they were before. And not to build the Freedom tower as new york is planning to. Do a google search for WTC rebuild or similar words to that and you will be able to read up sites telling you what is going on with that. I care about this and have voted on this petition. I think that New York needs another pair of beautiful skyscraping towers. And not what they are planning. The plans are beautiful, but not good enough quite frankly. Anyway, that's all. Thanks for looking folks.

Luke

2007-07-12T22:04:00.000+01:00

No, I have not heard yet. Well, I have had a confirmation letter that I passed my initial recruitment test. The letter also said that I will be contacted by my local area with regards to the interview. Assuming I pass that I then need to phone up and arrange a medical. So, just waiting on a response from area. I am going away on holiday in just over a week, for two weeks. I hope I get a response before I go.
Are you alright?

P.I.R.T.

2007-07-12T22:00:00.000+01:00

My test went really well. I was in a group of ten people taking it, eight men and one other woman. We all did really good on the test. The first answer sheet was marked while we were completing the final section of the test. From that we must all have passed. So, that is excellent. The next stage is an interview. More nail biting going on there then. I can just imagine myself as a worst case scenario interviewee. Pretty non verbal, can't think of any good responses and come across as just all wrong and uninterested! I'm sure that won't happen for me, but I can see the possibility.

None

2007-07-10T20:45:00.000+01:00

My police initial recruitment test

2007-07-07T19:51:00.000+01:00

Apologies for yesterday's post. Clearly I have issues! Don't worry, I'm working them out. I think.....
On better news, today I received an appointment letter for my P.I.R. test. I realised after writing the appointment in my diary that I have seen the shorthand for the police initial recruitment test before. Probably on the forums and I hadn't a clue what a P.I.R. test was! Or was it written as a P.I.R.T. ? Anyway the world makes sense again now, with regards to that. There was a practice test enclosed. I did it and I aced it! I'm SO excited! I can hardly wait to begin. Out of the four practice sections I only got two questions wrong out of a total of twenty five. That has to be a good sign.
Not much else to report today. The PIRT thing has made my day though. I am so happy now.

Can't think of a clever blog title today

2007-07-06T18:50:00.000+01:00

Don't really know what to talk about today. I am a little worried about wee man who blogs police camera paperwork. He has not been on his blog for a couple of weeks and that is most unlike him. I can understand the various reasons why, but can't wait for him to post again all the same. I have had a letter today in regards to joining the police (as a special). The security checks have been completed and I will be contacted in the next four weeks sometime with regard to the initial police recruitment test. Woo hoo! It's exciting. I can't wait.
It is great that there has been no further terrorist attacks happening. Not yet anyway. And many have been arrested. Which is also excellent. But if they are determined enough it might not be enough to stop them.
I have been thinking about myself and my state of mind a little bit. Don't worry, I have not decided anything too radical. I guess I view slim and attractive women as sex objects (in a way). I am going somewhere with this. And since I'm female, men must by assumption also share this viewpoint. I see myself as not overy attractive (whatever I mean by that!) Pretty, but not thin. I have an overly fat stomach. I am not obese however. I therefore do not come under the catagorey of a sexually attractive woman. (in the way above mentioned) I have been working on getting back to the physical shape I'd like to be again. I am not having the success with this I could be having. Can you see what I'm getting at with this? I think my state of mind prevents me from achieving the goal of being a slim size 12 again. Because if I was I would be seen by all as an attractive young woman. This would be a good thing. It would also leave me more open to being accosted/ groped/ chatted up/ raped by random men I don't know. This is of course a load of bollocks! I know. If you can make any sense of all my ramblings, I hope you get my point. If a man is going to rape someone it doesn't matter if she weighs 12 stone or is a stick insect. If he is drunk/desperate/ evil enough to decide to rape a woman all that matters is that he can get his dick into her. (Bitter? Me? Never!) Maybe I just need counselling. Victim support have been in touch with me, but I have not had any counselling. I am at a kind of cross purposes in my mind. On one side I am messed up in my view of men and on the other side I want one to satisfy my urges with. I'm crazy! I am not very trusting. I think that all men are only after one thing, no matter what they may say. (Perhaps I am just judging them by my own standards!) At the same time, there are plenty of nice, decent men out there who don't have one thing on their agenda all the time. I am so contradictory!
Anyway I must go now. I have to do things other than talk bollocks at you on here. (I am not just making this stuff up for fun, by the way)
And thank you for your nice comment Unlikely Cop, if you're reading this.

A link to a blog reader demographic survey

2007-07-02T21:26:00.000+01:00

Please take my Blog Reader Project survey.

Al Queda are back and other things

2007-07-01T13:59:00.000+01:00

I have realised that I may be contradicting myself in some way and creating doubt about my genuineness to those of you who might be reading this. I am not lying about anything on here. This blog is like a virtual diary to me. All the events and emotions and so on that I portray on here are completely true and I am being totally honest with you. Yes, I was really raped. No one has said anything to me, but I feel like a fraud anyway because there are so many women out there who do lie about that kind of thing. I just hope my word on it's own is good enough for you. And I do know the day before I was saying how much I am gagging for some sex. That is also true. The rape did not rob me of my natural desires and emotions. I'm sure I have scars of some kind from what happened, but I still like sex. Just not with my ex. I never wanted to have sex with him again after what he did. I have however had two relationships since we split and they did get sexual.

We are now under attack from terrorists again. It is horrifying. On friday some men tried to bomb nightclubbers in London and on Saturday they tried to blow up Glasgow airport. I just thank god that nobody has been killed yet. In the run up to the fourth of July as well. Considering our relationship with America, is that intentional on the part of the terrorists? Or am I just making a link that isn't there? Are they going to target the United States this week also? They must be well pissed that they have not caused the devastation and horrific deaths that they intended to. I hope that they don't ever achieve their aim. The newspapers are surely right when they say the terrorists will try again. It is inevitable. At least we are prepared for whatever comes next and can head it off before people die. Whatever may be coming next.

All things serious (Please read this one!)

2007-06-29T13:24:00.000+01:00

Okay so I have something difficult that I have to do and I am having a hard time doing it. So I will start at the beginning. About between three years ten months or four years ago my ex raped me. I have only just reported it to the police. I no longer live in the town where the rape happened. I am happy to go back there to make my statement with the police, but I have the problem of babysitters for my children for the day. It would mean opening up to my parents about it, mostly telling my dad. How can you do something like that? How do I tell my dad that X raped me? The man in question is the father of my children and well known to my parents. They don't particularly like him anyway. My mum knows about it and has said to me that she hopes it doesn't go any further. But he raped me! How can I not be willing to support a prosecution on that? He could very well do it to someone else! My worry is that my dad will have a similar reaction and they will not support my choices in this. I live with my parents and my children at the moment. I have to share this thing with them, but it is so hard to talk about with them. Because of who they are to me. I have no problem telling the police about it now. My biggest regret is that I did not go to them straight away. I was too weak to deal with doing that at that time. But I really wish I had. Now I have to figure out how to tell my dad. I don't think I can do that though. That is like, the hardest thing I've ever had to do. If you have any advice for me that might help please leave a comment for me. Thank you

My writing and other things

2007-06-27T20:52:00.000+01:00

I am a writer. I love writing fiction stories. In fact, that is what I'd much rather be doing right this second. Then 'why am I here?' you ask. I don't know. I have written a good fifty pages of A4 double sided. It is somewhat violent story. I think the pace might be too fast. And I have too much happening and not enough dialogue, etc. I have begun to rewrite it in what I hope is a more organised fashion. I really want to get somebody to read it for me and give me their opinion on it and some feedback. But I can't ask anyone. I'm too scared that they will tell me that it is an awful story. I want it to be good. I want to be a fantastic writer. I can't take the criticism of failing with this one. Not yet. But if I don't ask, I'll never know! It gives me great pleasure to write it. It is like some kind of illness, a bug. I think about writing it all the time and I can hardly wait till the end of the day when I can get time to myself to work on it. It is always on my mind.

In other news, I got a letter today acknowledging receipt of my application to become a special. They are currently reviewing it and will be in touch.
It is my sons birthday tomorrow. He's five. I'm happy for him. I hope he has a good day.
Not much else to write about. Except how frustrated I am!
I mean that I have not had sex in almost a year and well, I'm dying here!
Give me an attractive young man who's good in bed for a night and I'll be your friend forever! lol. I am aching for some sex and am very sadly alone on that front. I want a man! And I want one now! (scream, tantrum, wail!) Just me and myself tonight then. Oh yay.

Me as a Special....

2007-06-22T12:58:00.000+01:00

I want to become a special constable. I sent off my application form off in the post on the Monday just gone. I am pretty excited. I hope I make it through the application process. I'm not really sure what else is involved. I assume I have to do a fitness test. That is the part that worries me the most. From what I've read about the fitness test on the police oracle forum, I have nothing to worry about with that bit. That is somewhat comforting. I think I should be fit enough anyway (I hope!) I'm just waiting to hear from them now.

I'm Free (Heaven Helps The Man)

2007-06-22T12:57:00.001+01:00

Woohoo! I posted a video from youtube on my blog! I'm so happy! I'd forgotten how much I like this song. In case you don't know, this song is originally from the 80's film Footloose. It's sung by Kenny Loggins.

Scum of the earth

2007-06-19T12:09:00.000+01:00

I have read in today's newspaper, as I'm sure many have, about a young man convicted of child porn. The scariest thing is, he's my age! I thought paedophiles were old or ageing men. He was running a worldwide porn website porn ring thingy. All the things he is alleged to have done are truly disgusting and sick. I'm so glad that he is now going to be locked up. Even if it is for a pathetically short stretch. I just so suprised at his young age and the filth that he did.

The youth of today

2007-06-16T21:19:00.000+01:00

OK, I'm not as horrible as I may have made out before. I do not beat my children. I just get exasperated with them. They can be really sweet little boys and are really good boys much of the time.

Anyway, onto other things. They have gone to visit their other grandparents today. I have been to see the new Pirates Of The Caribbean film. It is SO long! But a great film. The end credits are about ten minutes long! Sitting through them is really worth it. I won't tell you why in case you haven't seen it.
I was walking back home from the city. I live about a mile or so out from the city centre. I walked past a couple of young lads, can't have been much older than about fourteen or thereabouts. They both had an open can of fosters in their hand and were walking down the street. One of them asked me for a rizler, but I don't smoke. His voice sounded a bit slurred. I was thinking 'How old are you? Who supplied you with that alcohol? Do you know it is illegal to drink on the streets in the city centre?' I only replied to his question and said nothing more. I think I'm beginning to think like a copper. Before, I would not have thought like that in the same situation.
I walk past the police station everytime I go into the city, as it's on my route. Today I noticed the lack of squad cars parked out front and instead there was many of those small crime scene investigation vans parked out front. And the usual couple of large marked vans. Where are they all this afternoon? There is normally several marked cars parked out front of the station. The station is the area headquarters.
There is a small area in the city that is designated for graffiti. Some of it gets changed every week of so. This week one of the paintings is really good. Someone has spray painted a beautiful portrait of a womans face with long flowing hair. Who ever these grafiti artists are, a few of them are really talented.

Why?!

2007-06-14T20:25:00.000+01:00

My oldest son is a couple of weeks away from his fifth birthday and is driving me crazy today. He has behaved like the devil has taken control of him. It started this morning. My parents and my younger sister all got up and dressed and everything like normal. My youngest son was dressed by me. But would Matt get dressed for school? No! He is perfectly able to do it himself and is good at dressing himself, but often refuses to. He spent at least an hour in just his pants. I was getting myself ready and preparing his drink and snack to take to school and getting my own breakfast. It came to the time we leave for school and he was still in his pants! I attempted to talk him into dressing himself and it didn't work. I told him that he could just go like that and went to take his hand to take him downstairs to put his shoes on. He began getting worked up. I guess he's as stubborn as me. I went to dress him and he began crying and screaming and kicking his legs. I tried to put his trousers on him and he kicked his legs so that I couldn't get both legs in. I instead went to put his top on and he put his hands on his head. It ended up turning inside out before I got it on him. I succeeded in dressing him eventually. He had his school jumper on over his top and just wore it inside out all day. I don't think he even noticed. I feel bad about it now though. That was just the beginning of my trials today. He cried and screamed all the way down the road to school. We walk it and he did that all the way. I was certianly tempted to hit him today. He really tried my patience. I had a normal day with my youngest. Except from the fact he spent this afternoon before we had to go back to school throwing their toys all over the dinning room and making a general mess of the place. Maybe there is something in the water today. After school Matt was fine on the way home. When we got here he refused to change OUT of his uniform again. That is routine and he always has a problem with it. The boys both refused to help clear up the mess. Despite the fact they were both falling over and hurting themselves in it. If I never have another day like today I will be eternally grateful! Why? Why do they have to behave like the devils spawn? They are barely school age. How can that be normal? How can I deal with them without resorting to violent abuse and shouting? They really drive me up the wall some days. Especially the older one. I am ready for a good fist fight now. Please direct me to the nearest drunken brawl? I'd like to join in and vent my frustrations! Okay maybe not. I am not the violent type really.

I went on you tube today to play music videos. I don't like the quiet much. I remembered how much I love the new Bond film and the theme tune in the opening sequence. I also love Stereophonics Maybe Tomorrow. That has been playing in my local co-op the last two times I have been in there. That was today and yesterday.
Yesterday I was out in town with my youngest boy and we were passed by two policemen on bicycles. That is not something you see everyday. They must be pretty fit, doing that. I live in a city. I used to live in the countryside all my childhood. I don't know what my point is. Anyway, it brightens my day if I see a fire engine. That probably makes me very strange. I don't know what it is about them. Sometimes I'm just like a big kid. The fire engines are big and red and have flashing lights and a siren. They are a pleasure to see. I fancy firemen too, but that is a completely seperate matter. Maybe I was a firefighter in a previous life or something. I think I have embarrassed myself quite enough for one day.

You Tube Recommendation

2007-06-14T13:54:00.000+01:00

I hope I can get this to work properly. This http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wBhBwXWlun4 is really cool! Check it out. It should be a link to a youtube video. I think it is really awesome. These guys are copying an artist called Akira Yamaoka. Aren't they great? If you need to hear what they are copying here it is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EHIvGLcCsRs That is the opening sequence to a computer game. The music is called Theme Of Laura. I love it. It is definately recommend worthy. That's all for now.

The morning after

2007-06-12T10:05:00.000+01:00

I hope I did not sound disrespectful or insulting with anything I said in my post yesterday, about PC Henry. My thoughts are with his wife today. I am actually as deeply affected by this as I imagine any police officer is. This case should most certainly not be used as a leverage for anything political. But at the same time it needs to ensure that something changes. The fact that I am not in the force or know no-one related to the fallen officer, actually matters not. I am just as affected by it as if I was. I find myself unable to stop thinking about Jonathan Henry and the effect his death is having on his wife. She must be in pieces. It is so tragic for his infant daughter. She will grow up not remembering her daddy and not having really known him. I'm sure she will be proud of him one day, just as I'm sure he will have been of his baby girl. His colleagues must be devastated. I imagine it is impossibly hard to face another day of work after someone you know and work with has been murdered. My condolences go out to all affected by this. Just like yesterday, I don't know what else to rabbit on about. Jon Henry's death is the only thing on my mind right now. I really need to try not to think about this so much. I will be unable to function if my mind is not focused on my own life.

Death strikes again

2007-06-11T19:18:00.000+01:00

This morning a police officer died. He was stabbed to death in Luton. He had only been on duty for about fifteen minutes. And he was a young husband and father. I feel deeply saddened by this, on the verge of crying. I can't believe another good officers life has been taken. How can life be so cruel? I hate it when police officers die. It is truly one of the worst things that can happen. Of course it is awful when any person dies or is killed. But to me, that is the most awful death of all. And it keeps happening, with scary regularity. The current knife culture it so dangerous. I don't know what else to talk about today. This is the only thing that has affected me today. The only thing worth talking about. And this is the job I am looking to go into. I hope the day never comes when an officer from my region dies in the line fo duty. I expect officers from all regions think that. It is terrifying when it is close to home and for those who know the victim. It was not long ago when another officer was shot dead, trying to save his collegues. Isn't there anything we can do to prevent things like this happening?
Okay, I don't really have anything productive to say. I'm just venting and feeling really sad.
PC Jon Henry, todays victim. I hope he can be at peace and I'm sure he will be there in spirit to watch over his wife and baby daughter. So, so sad. I can hardly believe it.

Another Day Of Madness

2007-06-10T11:23:00.000+01:00

I did not post last night because I could not get on the computer. The wonders of living in a house with others.
I went to a couple of Roman Forts yesterday, of rather what remains of them today. The first one was just the outerwalls, but the scenery of the surrounding countryside was beautiful. I was fascinated by the roman built walls, as they have layers of roman tiles in them. The second fort was some remains that had been excavated in a field in the middle of a housing estate. There was a small section of roman road which I found fascinating. The fort was a good few feet below current ground level.
My sons have been waking up early and then run around playing. They are noisy and the older one often refuses to get dressed. He is just being akward. I often just want to do something very wrong, just to make him dress himself. I don't know how to cope with my difficult infants. They reduce me to frustrated hair pulling and insane ramblings. I think I may be ready for the funny farm and day now. Perhaps the stress is to blame for my curse of endless spots. I always had flawless skin as a teenager and into my early twenties. Now I have spots and they make me feel so ugly. I don't know how to get rid of the little buggers. It is infuriating. Maybe that is the reason I am still single. I don't like being single. It sucks. But what can I do?

I'm new to this

2007-06-08T21:24:00.000+01:00

I've just set up a blogging site for me. Yay!
I have just put my little ones to bed a couple of hours ago. Read a story book till they were asleep. My throat still hurts. I have two little boys aged three and five years. My five year old (technically four since his birthday is not till the end of the month) is an antisocial little terror at home. I dread to think what he will be like when he grows up. My three year old is a climber. If we had mount everest in the back garden he'd be up it everyday. And wouldn't be put off by falling and hurting himself. He was climbing round the dinning room chairs this afternoon.

I have an ambition. That is to be a police officer. After reading a lot of the things that I have read about the job I think I must be crazy. But I still have the determination to do it. Only I have to wait till my sons are older. I can't put in the hours yet, assuming I'd make it past the recruitment process. I am worried the most about not being able to pass the fitness test. I will cross that bridge when I come to it. But I AM however applying to become a special constable. I have filled out the application form and just need two mates of mine to agree to be references. I am quite excited about it. I hope I make it. I mean I hope I get recruited as a special. My parents don't have any faith in me, that I can do that job. I am not enough of a people person aparently. They might be right, but I'm not going to let that stop me from trying.

Well that is enough ramblings for today. If anyone reads this it will be nice and if they are interested enough to return that's cool. Maybe I'll see you again tommorrow